Justin Bieber is Doomed

Seen here at a signing for his memoirs over the weekend – Wait, this kid has memoirs already? *bottles up rage*Justin Bieber is rapidly confirming the Canadians attempted to copy the Disney formula for pop-star creation, as we’ve always suspected. Except none of us could be prepared how successful they actually were. (I blame socialized medicine.) Via The Huffington Post:

AP: One revelation is your religion and faith. How do you reconcile that with the temptations of Hollywood?
Bieber: Hollywood is … a scary place. There’s a lot going on, there’s a lot of bad things, but there’s also a lot of good things. I’m able to live my dream, I’m able to do a lot of good things. Basically, I don’t even consider religion. Like, I’m a Christian, I believe in God, I believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins. I believe that I have a relationship and I’m able to talk to him and really, he’s the reason I’m here, so I definitely have to remember that. As soon as I start forgetting, I’ve got to click back and be like, you know, this is why I’m here.
AP: You’ve accomplished a lot already. Where do you see things going for you?
Bieber: I see myself being like, 30, like, married, like, probably. I don’t know. It seems far away for me. But I want to be a young dad.

Oh God Jesus no. You’ve got a young star believing his/her millions make him a Warrior for Christ, not mommy’s retirement package, while simultaneously fighting the urge to procreate the only way he knows how (marriage) at a moment’s notice. I know some of you might think this is just a kid being raised with a strong sense of family and morals, but trust me, we’ve seen exactly how this scenario plays out here and eventually here. Toss Kim Kardashian into the mix to confuse the poor boy and we’re lucky if he doesn’t nuke Israel just so Jesus comes back and play video games with him.

JUSTIN: I’m just so mixed up right now, J.C. Wanna go to the mall and buy girls milkshakes?
JESUS: I’m kind of throwing people in a lake of fire right now, kid.
JUSTIN: Oh, right, right. — Can I watch?
JESUS: *sighs* Wait, have you ever touched yourself?
JUSTIN: Just once, why?
JESUS: In you go…

Photos: Splash News