Justin Bieber is Doomed

November 2nd, 2010 // 45 Comments

Seen here at a signing for his memoirs over the weekend – Wait, this kid has memoirs already? *bottles up rage*Justin Bieber is rapidly confirming the Canadians attempted to copy the Disney formula for pop-star creation, as we’ve always suspected. Except none of us could be prepared how successful they actually were. (I blame socialized medicine.) Via The Huffington Post:

AP: One revelation is your religion and faith. How do you reconcile that with the temptations of Hollywood?
Bieber: Hollywood is … a scary place. There’s a lot going on, there’s a lot of bad things, but there’s also a lot of good things. I’m able to live my dream, I’m able to do a lot of good things. Basically, I don’t even consider religion. Like, I’m a Christian, I believe in God, I believe that Jesus died on a cross for my sins. I believe that I have a relationship and I’m able to talk to him and really, he’s the reason I’m here, so I definitely have to remember that. As soon as I start forgetting, I’ve got to click back and be like, you know, this is why I’m here.
AP: You’ve accomplished a lot already. Where do you see things going for you?
Bieber: I see myself being like, 30, like, married, like, probably. I don’t know. It seems far away for me. But I want to be a young dad.

Oh God Jesus no. You’ve got a young star believing his/her millions make him a Warrior for Christ, not mommy’s retirement package, while simultaneously fighting the urge to procreate the only way he knows how (marriage) at a moment’s notice. I know some of you might think this is just a kid being raised with a strong sense of family and morals, but trust me, we’ve seen exactly how this scenario plays out here and eventually here. Toss Kim Kardashian into the mix to confuse the poor boy and we’re lucky if he doesn’t nuke Israel just so Jesus comes back and play video games with him.

JUSTIN: I’m just so mixed up right now, J.C. Wanna go to the mall and buy girls milkshakes?
JESUS: I’m kind of throwing people in a lake of fire right now, kid.
JUSTIN: Oh, right, right. — Can I watch?
JESUS: *sighs* Wait, have you ever touched yourself?
JUSTIN: Just once, why?
JESUS: In you go…

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. dude

    I can’t wait to see him in ten years on VH1′s “Behind the Music” where he tearfully apologizes to the hooker whose hands he chewed off in a coke-fueled rage (also known as “Sheening”)

  2. Justin Bieber Book
    uncle paul
    Commented on this photo:

    What’s with the Swifty Lazar glasses? What a fool! Bwaahahhaaa!

  3. asdf

    Urgh.

  4. Ksurfiws

    the Sky Daddy loves you fish. Even though you are filled with rage and self-loathing.

  5. This kid is the poster child for corporate media tools. One second he’s playing PS3 and going to auditions with his mom and the next thing he knows he’s jamming a needle in his arm as some club whore is blowing him in a stall. I blame the asshole greedy parents for this one and every other child star fuck up we’ve seen along the way. Just put your seat belt on Justin when you go over the cliff.

    • Why blame the greedy parents? the kid is living it up and he hasn’t done anything bad yet. I say YET. Let’s give him a chance. Maybe his handlers, of which Usher is one, will help guide him from the same pitfalls many others have fallen into. I personally can’t stand the kid, but I also don’t see a collapse of him either. Maybe won’t stay popular, in fact I guarantee it, but I don’t see him crashing and burning either.

  6. The Definition

    Wow he had some nerve for saying that. How dare he say that. Jesus is totally not cool, like not even in a Sara Silver man way.(insert sarcasm) Who cares what this kid opinion on religion is really who gives a shit. Must be a slow news day

  7. That Guy

    Like totally, brah.

  8. Slappy Magoo

    The follow up question that should’ve been asked:

    There are millions of other kids out there, your age, many of them have the dream, some of them just as talented as you, if not more so. Why has God chosen to bless you with your good fortune and curse them with anonymity? Are they not devout enough? Are they unknowing pagans? Do…do you think there are…Jay Ee You Esses in their background? Why does God forsake them, Justin? WHY?”

  9. Rough, in search of purity ring

    So, evolution is out the window for the Biebz, Kirk Cameron style?

  10. john

    No wonder America is doomed as well.

  11. Glenn Beck

    Christianity is stupid. Communism is good.

    Give up.

    • Rush Limbaugh

      Christianity is the Anti-Christ of family values. Divorce should be illegal and homos should be shipped to Canada!

      • Sarah Palin

        Hey boys, whatcha think about a chinese fingertrap? I know it’s commie, but come on… We can call it a London, err Freedom Bridge to no where.

        Does no condoms sweeten the deal? All my retard baby eggs dried up.

  12. One question, does jesus talk back?

    Usually when you ask devout christians that they’ll insist that he does. When you point out that hearing voices in your head in a sign of serious psychosis, they say “it’s not like that”.

    at that point I like to tell them that ALL of the crazy people think “it’s not like that”, THEIR voices are real…

    Also…nice glasses F*G

    • LouieMontero

      I LIKE JUSTIE BEABAR, YOU BETTER STOP SAYING THAT.

      I LOVE YOU JUSTINE BEEEEEBARRRRRRRRR

    • holy crap…you gotta be kidding me. You censored the word F@G in my post? Really? REALLY?

      It’s all over but the crying now.

    • Johnny Cage

      F**k me, so I guess this means the Jews are off the hook then? Did you know that they believe a burning bush spoke to them and gave them the 10 commandments? But I guess you already know that anything derogatory said about them will result in media politically incorrectness, big lawsuits, or being branded as an antisemite. Which explains why guys like yourself would rather play it safe by going batshit against Jesus or Christianity every time jugaloos and canadian dorks show their lack of mental prowess. But look on the bright side, every celeb figure who takes a paycheck does exactly the same thing. (Except for Mel Gibson and Marlon Brando or course)

  13. Snooki's Valtrex

    This twink and Justin Timberpuss should have a twat off for biggest piece of Hollywood doucheboogery.

  14. BENWAW

    If my daughter brought this freak home, I would have to beat the fuck out of him
    even if he is rich an famous Jesus what a tool

  15. Justin Bieber Book
    Commented on this photo:

    Such a pretty girl. Cute with the pixie haircut & the bookish glasses look.

  16. Cock Dr

    I suppose if I was younger, bored & single it would be thoroughly enjoyable to completely corrupt & ruin this pretty pretentious wind up boy toy.
    In a nice way of course. No death or permanent injuries.
    Just enough to shake the JC indoctrination out of him.

  17. grobpilot

    What the fuck is with the Austin Powers glasses?

  18. this is almost as ridic as the news of his nail polish line this morning. nice glasses, dwieber

  19. Vandal

    Hahaha! Those glasses. Comedy gold. What a cunt.

  20. Farahhannah

    you people are so mean and jealous of Justin’s success. He’s a nice guy with good values unlike y’all, he was just stating what he believes in. May God bless all of you.

  21. Jasmin

    I feel as a Canadian I must defend this… but I cannot.

    Oh Justin…. well to Slappy Magoo – I suppose his answer would be “because I’m JUSTIN BIEBER!”

  22. Justin Bieber Book
    j
    Commented on this photo:

    this kid is very annoying. he needs to quit the wigger act.

  23. troy mcclure

    Riiiiiight, so we dont humour his delusions but if he said he converted to become one of the “Chosen People”, then we’d be kissing his ass because one people’s mental retardation is considered quaint.

    If youre gonna make fun of faith please grow some balls like the South Park crew and skewered everyone.
    I know, I know… its much safer your way. No chance of having some insane towelhead cut your eyes out becauyse you made fun of his 9yr old loving pedoprophet.
    And no chance of major lawsuit and seein your career ruined if you dont make fun of the idiots with the beanie caps.
    No, No.. those idiotic beliefs are somehow more sacred.

    Weeeeeeeeeak.

  24. wim

    yep, TO THE WEST HOLLYWOOD BOYS WITH SP*RM IN THEIR MOUTH.

  25. HE LOOKS LIKE HILLARY SWANK..IN.. BOYS DON’T CRY!

  26. uhm

    he makes my vagina feel hot but not in a good way. makes me feel like my clitoris is going to explode in flames of mustard. especially with those glasses on

    • grobpilot

      Flames of mustard? You should see a doctor, quickly. No guy will want that kind of mustard on his hotdog.

  27. Blutarsky

    I thought Rachel Maddow was only on TV.

  28. XYZ

    Then what ure waiting for… girl?

  29. Justin Bieber Book
    Alicia R
    Commented on this photo:

    Those glasses look cheaper than the ones I picked up at Wal-Mart for my nerd costume.

  30. Mike Walker

    If he admitted he was a dedicated moooslim, Fish would be creaming hs pants.

  31. Will someone put a burlap sack over this little girl holding that book.and throw the filled sack in the river.

  32. Justin Bieber Book
    Ricks_Daddy
    Commented on this photo:

    GAY. GAY. GAY.

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