Justin Bieber Is Auctioning His Johnson

November 11th, 2011 // 46 Comments

[Dear horny 15-year-old girls and pedophiles, welcome to The Superficial. You can find coffee and pastries over on the table, and in a couple of minutes, we’ll be giving a short demonstration on the power of incorporating penis jokes into photos of celebrity boobs. Make yourself comfortable.]

So remember when Justin Bieber brought a snaked named “Johnson” to the VMAs? He’s done playing with it now. Via Celebuzz:

Despite his love for his slithering half-pet/half-fashion accessory friend, Justin is auctioning off his Johnson to raise money for charity. Charitybuzz is hosting an auction in which the highest bidder will get to keep the snake, with all the proceeds going to Justin’s favorite non-profit organization, Pencils of Promise.

Just to satisfy the 11-year-old in me (No Sandusky.) let me get this straight: Justin Bieber is auctioning his Johnson to support his charity called “Pencils of Promise?” BAHAHAHA! Was “Cocks of Compassion” already taken? Because I’m genuinely asking. I had no idea you could name these things after penises, and it’s high time I start giving back to the community. CoCs will be a driving force into the sopping wet pussy of poverty, so clearly, it’s going to be extremely Christian-based. “Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me. Plus I like dong jokes.” – Matthew 25:40

Photo: Splash News, WENN


  1. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Jill Ess
    Commented on this photo:

    WTF is she wearing!?

    • Cock Dr

      Looks like an asymmetrical cut parka. It would be nice for sledding but I question her decision to wear it to an awards ceremony.

  2. cc

    He really is turning into a girl isn’t he?

    • Randal

      This is a great cause to raise money for a much needed charity, as well as get the snake into a loving home. Not that Justin didn’t love his snake, but he’s a busy guy and all.


  3. j

    Wait is he really serious with that shirt. Is he fucking serious? What a fucking tool douchebag loser. Haha oh man I want to punch him in the face so fucking hard.

    • cc

      That’s one of things I was referring to in my post above. Seriously, appearing in public in that shirt makes him look (at best) ridiculous.

    • Carla

      I know right, pics like this where I think I’m looking at Sam Ronson’s little sister make it seem not too far-fetched to believe that his parents pumped him full of estrogen or cut off his nads to further his career as a “safe” tween idol.

  4. John The Terrible

    Earlier this year I was in New Orleans and they were having their gay pride weekend or whatever it is. Even then I didn’t see anything quite this gay. Who does this kid think he’s fooling?

  5. The kid has a snake named Johnson? Does he also have a gerbil named Digger?

  6. cc

    He’s got a caterpillar named ‘Taint’.

  7. Venom

    Sells women’s perfume.
    Sells women’s nail polish.
    Wears clothing like that.
    Yeah, totally straight…

  8. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Behold the current queen of androgyny.

  9. Psst! Justin…Justin! Your collar is up!

  10. Mitch

    That is the douchiest jacket I have ever seen. Did he get that from P-Diddy or whatever the fuck he is calling himself this week?

  11. Hank E Ring

    Here is Justin Bieber, modeling the fall line by Vanilla Ice.

  12. kimmykimkim

    That’s a pretty blouse, Justine. Do they sell men’s clothes where you bought that?

  13. Carla

    My what a pretty, pretty princess he is.

  14. Oh my god, did he win a coveted Bambi award? If this kid had any more talent, I think my head would explode and the image of Jesus would appear in the stain it left on the wall.

  15. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Someone should mention to those wily Germans that “Bambi” is a registered trademark of the Walt Disney Company…but then I guess if a little copyright infringement is the worst things the Germans do in this century, we’re way ahead.

  16. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    yes, she looks rather pope-ish

  17. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    hes singing “jizzzz”

  18. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    im capn morgain bitches

  19. So he shops in the girls department now?

  20. Carla

    btw Fish, love your intro!

  21. The Critical Crassness

    Listen carefully and you can hear Mandy Teffey letting out a sigh of relief…cause it will be really difficult for the Maple Leaf Messiah to get her daughter, Selena Gomez, pregnant without his Johnson!

  22. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    Commented on this photo:

    Black guys can barely pull off this look. 16-year old white boys from Canada don’t have a prayer.

  23. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s almost as bad as MTV’s moonman.

  24. Charlie Sheen

    Oh, its a deer. For a moment I thought he was holding a statue of Anubis, to whom he traded his soul in exchange for his ‘music’ career.

  25. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    Gayest. Jacket. Ever.

  26. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    So when its zipped up,it covers your entire head…? I fail to see the coolness of this jacket at all.Rich people will wear anything if you slap a label on it,whilst the designer rubs his hands and thanks god that he doesnt have to throw the “mistakes” in the trash..the snobs buy it all and think its soooooooo cool.

  27. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    Commented on this photo:

    He does look like a girl here..VERY bad picture :/

  28. “sopping wet pussy of poverty” – Pure gold!

  29. twzzlrgirl

    George Clooney is gonna buy that snake, and laugh his ass off.

  30. Jim Jones

    “we’ll be giving a short demonstration on the power of incorporating penis jokes into photos of celebrity boobs”

    Except you haven’t been showing much of the bewbs lately. :(

  31. Jake

    and in 9 months he can auction off his kid for help curing 30 second premature ejaculation. He’s not just the chairperson, he’s also a member.

  32. Jake

    Here we go. The Maple Lord is getting rid of all the witness’ who actually saw him bang that chick in the bathroom. Everyone knows “auctioning off” is Canadian for killing off. That snake has seen too much; it’s got to go.

  33. You BUNCH of MORONS


  34. huezu

    He looks like a soviet lesbian astronaut

  35. Visible

    She looks so pretty.

  36. gigi

    this f*er it looks like he should be in a live action Jetsons movie. The futurrrre… where lapels are confusing, as are genders…

  37. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    What the FUCK is he wearing?

  38. Justin Bieber Bambi Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    oops i mean she

  39. Justin Bieber White Jacket
    adolf hitler
    Commented on this photo:

    hilary swank does it again

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