Justin Bieber Likes Drawing Penises

May 17th, 2012 // 58 Comments
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In the same issue featuring an interview with Michael Fassbender about his giant penis that tries not to be about his giant penis, Deadspin‘s Drew Magary attempts to do an interview with Justin Bieber for GQ that turns into an exercise in dealing with an ADD-addled wannabe gangsta who lives in an insulated bubble that he draws cocks all over. So what was supposed to be a cool little feature on The Maple Christ turning 18 and transitioning into a Maple Man, ended up being a still-entertaining read that left me fully convinced he knocked up Mariah Yeater and wrote a song about it to even further prove he can get away with anything because his handlers are that fucking meticulous and coddling at the same time. Choice quotes after the jump:

On Bieber’s passion for drawing dicks all over everything:
After a few minutes, I noticed that someone had drawn a bunch of dicks all over the grease board by the door. So I pointed at them and asked, “Hey, who drew all the dicks?” One of the sound engineers immediately jumped up, ran over, and erased them with his sleeve. This is the new and mature Bieber. We can’t have dicks being drawn all over the place. People might get the wrong idea about filthy-rich 18-year-old pop stars.

On how Bieber gets “pumped” to record:
We head into his studio, where Aldred greets Bieber and pumps him up for the evening by ripping the sleeves off of his T-shirt while he’s still wearing it. OUTTA MY WAY, SLEEVES. This is clearly not the first time they’ve performed this ritual. It’s Bieber’s patented entrance move, his talcum powder tossed in the air. Being Justin Bieber means having an endless number of T-shirts to destroy.

On the polite, cordial Bieber that just wants to hold your hand, girl:
Everyone gathers around as Bieber tours the van. He is euphoric. So much so that he has decided to pledge his loyalty to West Coast Customs forever and to decry its rival, Platinum Motorsport. “Fuck Platinum,” he says. “Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.” This is a different Bieber from the one who was imprisoned with me just five minutes ago. This must be the Bieber that Bieber would like to be all the time.

On defending Kim Kardashian because I was totally right that time I said she gave him a handjob:
After forty minutes, Bieber’s done. That’s it. I have been told repeatedly what a hard worker he is, but in two nights—Bieber only records at night—I’ve witnessed him work for a grand total of forty minutes. Soon he’s back to pinballing around the studio. He catches Kaye ragging on Kim Kardashian. “That bitch should never wear white in public again,” she says. Bieber gets mildly indignant and sticks up for Kardashian. “You guys are so mean, bro…. People say she doesn’t do anything; she actually does do stuff…. She works hard.”

Again, the whole article is worth a read just to get an idea of how this supposedly sweet, innocent, bubblegum pop Christian kid is really acting behind closed doors which is mostly him bouncing around recording “songs” with Swedish Fish in his mouth and calling everybody “bitches.” So in a way, it was a lot like reading about the real Jesus if the real Jesus’ moms forgot to give him his Ritalin that day. “And BOOM! Look at all those fishes now, bitches. Aight, who wants to play Call of Duty besides Judas? Judas can suck a dick, man.”

Photos: GQ, Getty, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN


  1. Jeckaled

    I spy with my little eye…. a lesbian.

  2. Dick Hell

    Where’s a falling piano when we need it?

  3. Cock Dr

    Life, time and his inevitable ego-driven bad decisions will wreak havoc on his insulated pretty plastic pop star world.
    *pulls up comfy chair*

  4. Say what you will about her music, a chick in a man’s suit and tie is hot.

  5. tits mcgee

    40 minutes is more than enough time if the game plan is to rip off Justin Timberlake’s first solo album.

  6. So now he’s going with the Robert Palmer suit and Rick Astley hair? I wish someone would rickroll him off the side of a very tall building.

    • A little game of Hopscotch to Oblivion, perhaps?

  7. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    “You dare to publicly challenge *me* to suck-off?! You don’t even have an angora mouth wipe. You’re pathetic.”

  8. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    That is by far the most beautiful rape whistle I have ever seen.

  9. cc

    ‘“Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.”’

    You know, I think this would sound more badass if Elle Fanning said it.

  10. In which language does “drawing” mean “chugging?”

  11. salker

    This kid has way too many yes men telling him he is the next Michael Jackson… when he isn’t even the next Justin Timberlake. I’d give him five more years. He is a cute kid but he will make one weird looking adult.

  12. He looks like K.D. Lang in the main picture.

  13. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    When I looked at this picture, the first word that came to mind was:


  14. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    “How’s the douche hair, heh?”

  15. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    After doing it for long you just cant seem to get that taste out of your mouth…

  16. Livinus Nwambe

    So an 18-year-old with simply idiotic amounts of money says and does ridiculous things? Minus the money, youtube is full of 18-year-olds doing idiotic things, so is Break.com. The difference is, this kid has the money to be noticed. Whatever, he’s a teenager, we all did stupid things. He’ll grow out of it.

    • I agree completely, except for the “grow out of it” part. People only grow out of things when someone they know steps up and tells them they’re being an idiot. That’s never going to happen with the Beav, and we have years of D-List reality shows and a very special Celebrity Intervention to look forward to.

  17. Mr. Ronny Davis Jr.

    I’m starting to get a hard on when I see pictures of Bieber. Does this mean I’m a lesbian?

  18. msa

    Can’t wait till this kid is no longer relevant.

  19. MarkM

    I think you mispelled the word “drawing.” Shouldn’t it be s-u-c-k-i-n-g?

  20. Brooke

    That article was great, but the author got deprived of a great opportunity. After reading this, I really don’t think I could be in a room without punching him in his cocky face. I like how the article made sure we all know Bieber is nowhere close to being a grown-up. Not sure his handlers would like that, but I’m glad GQ didn’t fondle his balls and say he was a big boy now.

  21. lolwut

    Two words: Leif Garrett.

  22. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    He doesnt look like he’s enjoying himself anymore. That smile is forced! Shouldn’t have sold your soul to the devil!

  23. Frank

    D-r-a-w-i-n-g. That is NOT how you spell “sucking.”

  24. Bonky

    Of course it only takes 40 minutes. He can come in and do his worst and they fix in with autotune and other audio magic. I’m surprised he doesn’t just phone it in, literally.

  25. karl pilkington

    I guess (?) the main pic is a prior photoshop gag i’m not privy to, but on the off chance it’s not, what the FUCK is up with Bieber’s head? it’s ginormous. Surely the pic has been fucked with in some way to make his head appear so large?

  26. Lita

    He has an abnormally large head.

  27. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    Maple Ice…

  28. Of course he likes drawing cocks – they just never finished the sentence.

    “Hey, who drew all the dicks… noisily into their mouth?”

  29. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    Glad to see he showed up to this gig with a rape whistle at the ready

  30. Rico Jones

    Do we know for a fact that Justin Bieber is a male?

  31. Tom

    Let’s hope West Coast Customs implanted that automatic brake line cutter that triggers at 3000 feet of elevation.

    If that bus flies off a cliff the world will be saved.

  32. Dr. Derp

    “On how Bieber gets “pumped” to record:”

    Why, anally, of course.

  33. BbyBluThghHghs

    He just needs to come out as a lesbian and get it over with.

  34. MFBINC

    so he went from beatles bangs to elvis pomp…whats next ? jim morrison’s jesus look?

  35. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    Jamming the tongue up between the lips and teeth to get rid of that days old crusty semen that you somehow couldn’t reach with a toothbrush.

  36. Meh

    Aren’t males supposed to get more, ummm, manly as they age? What is this dude’s deal? He looks more and more like a girl all the time. I just want to punch him in the face.

  37. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy Shit! It’s Vanilla Ice!!!

  38. Justin has that same problem the kid in superbad had?

  39. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    la flakita linda
    Commented on this photo:

    k papi k esta mas bueno si fuera mio me lo comeria esterito y esa boquita tan buena como de comesela tambn diablo yo con justin no lo dejor por nada

  40. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    la flakita linda
    Commented on this photo:

    tan bello

  41. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    la flakita linda
    Commented on this photo:

    k linda sorisa
    tiene ese tipo tan bueno

  42. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    Commented on this photo:

    The cold stare of a trained killer.

  43. Justin Bieber KIIS FM Wango Tango
    alannah murphy
    Commented on this photo:

    hi i fucing love justin bieber he is soo FUCING CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  44. tlmck

    You could have just left out the word “drawing”.

  45. squadronmom

    Oh, I would love to be his Mother! I would slap the living snot out of him like Madea. Yes, I know all about all the money he pulls in and supports his family and blah, blah.

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