Justin Bieber Likes Drawing Penises
In the same issue featuring an interview with Michael Fassbender about his giant penis that tries not to be about his giant penis, Deadspin’s Drew Magary attempts to do an interview with Justin Bieber for GQ that turns into an exercise in dealing with an ADD-addled wannabe gangsta who lives in an insulated bubble that he draws cocks all over. So what was supposed to be a cool little feature on The Maple Christ turning 18 and transitioning into a Maple Man, ended up being a still-entertaining read that left me fully convinced he knocked up Mariah Yeater and wrote a song about it to even further prove he can get away with anything because his handlers are that fucking meticulous and coddling at the same time. Choice quotes after the jump:
On Bieber’s passion for drawing dicks all over everything:
After a few minutes, I noticed that someone had drawn a bunch of dicks all over the grease board by the door. So I pointed at them and asked, “Hey, who drew all the dicks?” One of the sound engineers immediately jumped up, ran over, and erased them with his sleeve. This is the new and mature Bieber. We can’t have dicks being drawn all over the place. People might get the wrong idea about filthy-rich 18-year-old pop stars.
On how Bieber gets “pumped” to record:
We head into his studio, where Aldred greets Bieber and pumps him up for the evening by ripping the sleeves off of his T-shirt while he’s still wearing it. OUTTA MY WAY, SLEEVES. This is clearly not the first time they’ve performed this ritual. It’s Bieber’s patented entrance move, his talcum powder tossed in the air. Being Justin Bieber means having an endless number of T-shirts to destroy.
On the polite, cordial Bieber that just wants to hold your hand, girl:
Everyone gathers around as Bieber tours the van. He is euphoric. So much so that he has decided to pledge his loyalty to West Coast Customs forever and to decry its rival, Platinum Motorsport. “Fuck Platinum,” he says. “Platinum can suck a dick, man. West Coast all day.” This is a different Bieber from the one who was imprisoned with me just five minutes ago. This must be the Bieber that Bieber would like to be all the time.
On defending Kim Kardashian because I was totally right that time I said she gave him a handjob:
After forty minutes, Bieber’s done. That’s it. I have been told repeatedly what a hard worker he is, but in two nights—Bieber only records at night—I’ve witnessed him work for a grand total of forty minutes. Soon he’s back to pinballing around the studio. He catches Kaye ragging on Kim Kardashian. “That bitch should never wear white in public again,” she says. Bieber gets mildly indignant and sticks up for Kardashian. “You guys are so mean, bro…. People say she doesn’t do anything; she actually does do stuff…. She works hard.”
Again, the whole article is worth a read just to get an idea of how this supposedly sweet, innocent, bubblegum pop Christian kid is really acting behind closed doors which is mostly him bouncing around recording “songs” with Swedish Fish in his mouth and calling everybody “bitches.” So in a way, it was a lot like reading about the real Jesus if the real Jesus’ moms forgot to give him his Ritalin that day. “And BOOM! Look at all those fishes now, bitches. Aight, who wants to play Call of Duty besides Judas? Judas can suck a dick, man.”