When you conduct high stakes Internet journalism like I do, you’re often faced with tough decisions. Tough decisions like, what’s the real story here? Selena Gomez not wearing a bra so her tank top gives off the slightest hint of nip? Or Selena Gomez possibly leaving a bar drunk with Justin Bieber last night even though they’re both underage which would constitute a crime? Fortunately for you I went to college where I majored in haphazardly mashing shit together and calling it a day. On that note, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say Selena probably didn’t get drunk (The Biebs? Fucking gone.), mostly because she’s eating pickles in the braless shots which clearly means Justin Bieber had unprotected sex with her vagina thus fertilizing her eggs with his sperm. And, yes, we’re back to that, so allow me to suggest “Maplethorpe Gomez-Bieber.” It’s a strong name that practically punches you in the butt with thick maple heritage. It’d be child abuse not to use it.