Justin Bieber Doesn’t Know How Sweatshirts Work

Justin Bieber was back at church yesterday, a week after running over a paparazzo with a money truck. Since then he’s been cleared of any criminal charges after cops agreed the photographer was being a fucking moron standing in front of a moving truck driven by a maple syrup-soaked twink with an attitude problem. The money truck will deliver though, as a civil suit will definitely result in an absurd settlement to fix the treadmarks left on the guy’s sneakers.

Today we’ve been blessed by sweet Maple Jesus with this high fashion fasciculation… the half on/half off sweatshirt. I have so many questions… Is it so that he can show off his boring white T-shirt? Is it kind of cold inside the Church of Pac Sun? Did he just put on the sweatshirt in the car and forget to pull it all the way down? Does he normally have a guy who does this for him, asking Justin to “reach for the sky!” every time he puts a shirt over his head? Does it make Justin giggle every time this happens?

It’s August, nobody should be wearing a sweatshirt – especially not half of one, that’s not how clothes work! Where’s my fresca, I need to cool down.