Justin Bieber Made His Bodyguards Carry Him Up The Great Wall of China

October 1st, 2013 // 42 Comments
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Here’s Justin Bieber being carried up the Great Wall of China by his bodyguards yesterday because naturally he’s a little shithead who thinks he’s an emperor. Which would’ve been a great time to lodge a throwing star into his skull, but I guess China’s okay with Canadians defiling their sacred monuments. That’s not a sign of weakness. (We attack at dawn.) In the meantime, Vanilla Ice has offered to step in and give Justin some advice at not becoming… well, Vanilla Ice. Via TMZ:

Vanilla Ice had sex with a plastic mannequin in a snow globe. That’s what I got from this. As for how that’s going to help Justin Bieber, maybe make sure Selena Gomez‘s arms don’t detach? Check her for nipples? See if clothes look better on her than they do at home? I feel like this advice should’ve come with a pamphlet.

Photos: BelieveTUpdates / Getty, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, TRGT/AKM-GSI


  1. gee_10000

    I bet both of them were thinking about dropping him over the wall

  2. Steps are a nightmare for his stroller. I suggest the body guard get one of those papoose wrap things.

  3. Worthless spoiled princess twat.

  4. Inner Retard

    Here are words I never thought I’ll string together: I resp… ehmm… I respec… *takes deep breath*… I respect Vanilla Ice. * looks up at ceiling, puts on hard hat*

  5. Douche. Nozzle.

  6. Firecrotch McBatshit

    His next trick will be to swaddle himself in a manger in Jerusalem in December, then try to convince the world the Three Wise Men were Beliebers.

    Maybe someone can convince him to fly into the Bermuda Triangle just for giggles?

  7. This is Canada’s payback for China buying half of our country. Frankly, I think we may have overdone it a little.

  8. The next day the great crowd that had come for the festival heard that Maple Jesus was on his way to China. They took cell phone cameras and went out to meet him, shouting:

    “Blessed is he who comes in the name of Syrup!”
    “Blessed is the king of the North!”

    Maple Jesus found two young asses and sat on them, as it is written: “Do not be afraid, Daughter Zion; see, your king is coming, seated on two hired goons.” At first his disciples did not understand all this. Only after Sappy Christ was glorified did they realize that these things had been written about him and that these things had been done to him.

    Now the crowd that was with him when he called Michael Jackson from the tomb and raised him from the dead continued to spread the word. Many of his followers, because they had twerked themselves into irreparable brain damage, Googled Michael Jackson. So the Executives said to one another: “See, he could shit on the Mona Lisa and sign it in dinosaur blood. Look how the whole world just eats it up!”

    - John 12:12-19

  9. When you think your job is degrating, look at this pictures. You will feel immediately better. At least you dont have JB ass in your shoulders…

  10. KC

    You can’t see it, but he’s tweeting “Why the fuck didn’t the Chinese just put in an elevator?”

  11. Hugh G. Rection

    I’d call him a douchebag, but that would be offensive to all the douchebags in the world.

  12. cc

    The fact there wasn’t an accident that ended up with him getting tossed over the wall is proof there is no God.

  13. Natty Ice

    C’mon. Give the kid a break. When you weigh the same as a skinny 10 year old boy, climbing up a large flight of stairs will make you weak and woozy.

  14. Chris

    I’d get a $20,000 fine from the NFL for the way I’d spear him from the top step

  15. I thought the Great Wall was supposed to keep undesirables out of China?

  16. gigi

    yup! now it allllllll makes sense…

  17. This guy is a hell of a lot more gangsta than Bieber.

  18. Its a funny world, common sense advice from Vanilla Ice?
    What would the Chinese tourist think of some Young Cracker actually being carried on the shoulders of two He Men? Oh so sori boy have AIDs , cancer, he cripple?
    Shitty Wok indeed fuc yu ” Gwai lo “!

  19. dunkydoo

    damn, why couldn’t they have dropped him? on his head.

  20. stan

    I hereby offer my services at checking Selena Gomez for nipples. It’s really the least I could do to help.

  21. malaka

    not the biggest fan of mr. van winkle’s music, but the guy really seems like a well adjusted adult and a respectable human being.

    hard to imagine beiber ever getting to that point but who knows.
    seasons change.. baybaaay!

    on a side note, i wouldn’t have expected to have all the respect that i have for mr. timberlake now. but that guy is pretty talented and he’s made me laugh plenty of times.

  22. Does he think he’s Anna Wintour?

  23. Look at the guy at the top of the steps…”OMG, they’re actually carrying him…??? Bieber is a cunt!”
    What other explanation can there be for being carried up the Great Wall? He’s just a nasty little cunt!

  24. Mark R

    Maybe he’ll join the list of young musicians who fade into obscurity, if not, dead at 27

  25. They really could not do the world a favor and throw his ass over the wall?

  26. Blob

    Mediocrities of the World – I absolve thee.

  27. omahahaha

    “Vanilla Ice had sex with a plastic mannequin in a snow globe. That’s what I got from this.”


  28. me

    It’s not about who has the most money, the biggest gold chains, sells the most albums, it’s become a game is who can out-God the other. Kanye started it, Justin, Jay-Z , Chris Brown…. who’s next and who will be the next God? Stay tuned!

  29. anonym

    Everyone in the world is looking at that picture wondering why he wasn’t tossed over the edge.

  30. Justin, Justin, Justin…you just hang in there, little soldier, and those human water buffaloes will get you to the top of that big, scary wall. Then you can rest your tiny little feet and have a drink of Hawaiian Punch.

  31. DoucheParlevous

    Carry him to the top, then throw him off the wall.

  32. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Herman Bumfudle
    Commented on this photo:

    hi beautiful.

  33. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    looks like she has some sort of tights on-her legs look too shiny. Don’t think you can actually see anything.

  34. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    Time to shave honey

  35. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    Well, I really didn’t see anything malfunctioning here… laaaaame.

  36. Michael De Santa

    There is no God…….

  37. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    Hairy Sweet!

    Now please Superficial, raise up the max resolutions of your pictures to 3 Megapixels, please!

  38. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    Gurl you must have been too stoned to shave that twat this morning….FREE those roast beef curtains !!! I bet she’s one Hot Pepper when she gets her freak on!

  39. Selena Gomez Wardrobe Malfunction Vagina Flash Booty Shorts
    Commented on this photo:

    Where are people seeing any hair? There is nothing to see…it’s just pantyhose. You all are acting like we got Borat up there in a thong or something.

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