It’s Time To Get Baptized In The Holy Sizzurp! #Bbare #livin4him #JCisMyPimp

February 5th, 2014 // 31 Comments

While all y’all’s losin’ your minds over Selena Gomez going to rehab for an acute case of the B-Bare withdrawal, our holiest Lord and Play-vior sent forth his followers to find him the crispest, most crackalackin’ pool in all of New York to baptize himself in the name of da father, da son and the holy syrup. Spout it off, Six Page:

Multiple sources confirmed to us that Bieber was looking for a Manhattan property with a private pool to conduct a baptism-like ceremony with the Hillsong Church NYC.
One source said, “Justin and his team spent time on Saturday searching for a place with a pool where they could conduct a baptism for him, a cleansing ritual, with the Hillsong Church. But they couldn’t find a place in time.”
Another source added, “Justin is serious about his Christian faith, and after recent events, he needed to take a pause.”

Ya see, mothafuckas, while my boy B-Bare might be the smoothest, most panty-wettenest young blood to slide out his mama’s hoochie, he’s a MAN OF GAHD-A. For thine is the kingdom, and the glory, and the POWAH of those who fall prostate cancer to the almighty teachin’s of Christ. And so shall B-Bare take part in this most spiritual of spirits and cleanse his mothafuckin’ self anew. For the next pussy he blasts will bare bitchness to the Good News and spread it to all dem other ho’s who are also free to kneel upon the B-Bare’s altar, a.k.a. his dick-a-lick. #OneLove

Photos: Instagram / Fame/Flynet


  1. Lord Helmet

    I may be in the minority here but I couldn’t give two shits about Gomez going to rehab. Now, write a headline that reads Selena Gomez sex tape stolen and you’ll have my undivided attention.

  2. Joe Blow

    I hope the water burns him like it did Linda Blair in The Exorcist when the priest splashed her..

  3. Sick of this moppet

    I hope baptism like is wannathug speak for drowning.

    • cmonreally

      I looked on Urban Dictionary and found this definition:

      baptize: a sexual act where a group of guys ejaculate into a bowl and then shove a girls head in it

      Take out “girls” and insert “Beiber’s,” and I think we have the real meaning.

    • BlinkyTheFish

      Or ritual sacrifice. Either way, I’m not fussy.

  4. JungleRed

    Religion is the last refuge of the scoundrel.

  5. Aunt Cracker

    Every time this little shitbag does something stupid, he always hides behind his mommy or a bodyguard or suddenly finds religion again. You’re an asshole. Your parents know it. Your payed Mighty Joe Young bodyguards know it. Whatever weirdo preacher you’ve scrounged up knows it. You’re a punk ass 15 yr old cash cow. You need a handler. Even Miley Cyrus said she has a person on her payroll who’s job it is to keep her out of prison.Either you’re religious or you’re not. God,Jesus,Buddha, Alla, Mohammad, Loki, or who the fuck ever is not there for your dumb ass to care about only when your shit’s in a sling and the ten year olds are turning on you fast. .

  6. Cock Dr

    Watch mom & dad arrange a new white bread Christian C list celebrity girlfriend. The money making Bieber empire must be preserved at all costs!

  7. B-Boy in this… MapleSizzupy, all through your body
    Bite Nips like a twelve year old shorty
    Uh, feel me!
    And God said he should send his one begotten Canadian son
    to lead the wild into the ways of the man
    Follow me; eat my flesh, flesh and my flesh

    Come with me, Hail Mary
    Run quick beibs, what do we have here
    Now, do you wanna fly high or die
    La dadada, la la la la

  8. I hope his stupid-ass pants get waterlogged and drag him to the bottom.

  9. JC

    Wait a minute–do you mean to say that someone who claims to be Christian might be a hypocrite? Mind. Blown.

  10. cmonreally

    “… and the POWAH of those who fall prostate cancer to the almighty teachin’s of Christ”

    The use of “prostate cancer” is giving me life.

  11. D-chi

    If Hillson Church is related to the Hillsong United group, I would be mighty surprised that they’re associating themselves with Jbiebz. Hillsong is a great band.

    I mean, while there is redemption offered for everyone, if this is some halfhearted gesture for publicity to seem like a nice guy whose concert you’d totally want your little girls to go to…. I’ve said too much already.

  12. Playing up the religion card to deflect of the biting a stripper’s nipples thing, huh? I swear, this kid is retarded. You just bit a stripper’s nipple on camera, now you’re running to church? Fuck you.

    Typical hypocritical Christian bullshit.

  13. Dox

    So, Ill just throw this out there.

    You don’t need magical rituals, ancient text’s, or bizarre rites to stop being an asshole. You just need to stop being an asshole.
    See, the way you do this, is what we like to call self control. I’m quite sure there isn’t a day that goes by, that myself… or even Fish has a rampaging urge to bite the nipples of a random stripper. Yet, we manage to restrain ourselves through sheer willpower. (And court orders, pepper spray, and the occasional taser, but that’s a whole nother conversation.)
    So… really, you just need to put down the cough syrup. Stop listening to all the people that keep trying to convince you of your own infallibility, and realize that the man you are…. is a douche bag.
    You don’t have to remain a douchebag though. The power exists, within you Bieber, to rein in your crap. As a matter of fact, you are in a unique position to simply hire someone to smack you in the back of the head whenever you are about to do something stupid.

    So… stop blaming God. Stop seeking out ancient rites and incantations. They wont save you from being a douche bag. Only you can choose.

    The Dark Side.
    The Light Side.

    Do, or do not. There is no try.

  14. God I am so tired of this asshole. Can we have a moratorium on Bieber posts until he is dead or in prison for an actual long time?

  15. Selena Gomez Legs Short Shorts Cicis Pizza Buffet
    Commented on this photo:

    It’s not CiCi’s Pizza, it’s CiCi’s Cafe, and it has the best breakfast in SoCal. SG has good taste in food, at least.

  16. Nut bra

    If Justin was serious about “religion” then he wouldn’t be looking at Hillsong. Massive money making scam. May be a “great band” D-chi but just remember to swipe your credit card in the armrest at the church. Jesus loves money!

    Aw shit…..let Hillsong take all his money…….Justin/Hillsong either way it’s morons with the money.

  17. Sizzup syrup special WHOOOT!

  18. & godDAMN if I didn’t know who this shitbag was, I’d think I had clicked on a twink’s Craigslist ad soliciting bear daddies & leather men.

  19. Mr. Bieber, I don’t know any Manhattan properties with private pools, but I know some excellent, secluded docks in New Jersey where I and these, uh … let’s say, friends who owe me a favor, will be *very happy* to perform a full immersion for free.

  20. logan

    This child doesn’t have a clue……about anything…….worth while.

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