Justin Bieber Got Baptized In A Bathtub, You Guys, Everything’s Going To Be Okay

June 9th, 2014 // 35 Comments
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“Go to the village ahead of you, and at once you will find a donkey tied there, with her colt by her. Untie them and bring them to me. If anyone says anything to you, say that the Lord needs them, and to shut their bitch mouth.” Matthew 21:2-3

Justin Bieber found himself in some shit last week when not one, but two videos were released showing him repeatedly saying nigger and incorporating it into his songs. Which sounds bad enough already except he apparently did this shit for an entire afternoon and there’s still more footage out there, so it only makes sense that he’s been non-stop crying ever since. And that’s great news because for the first time in his shithead life, he’s actually showing remorse for his actions. So the important thing right now is to make sure he doesn’t find an easy out that completely lets him off the hook in the eyes of idiots. What’s that? He already did? Goddammit. TMZ reports:

We’re told Bieber’s religious resurgence focused on studying Bible passages and attending services … culminating in an actual baptism performed in the bathtub of one of the singer’s friends.
Why a bathtub, you ask? We’re told JB previously checked out a bunch of churches for the dip — but his cover was blown every time and he wanted to keep the whole thing private.
Justin’s now got a clean slate with God.

Keep in mind, Justin Bieber did the exact same thing after getting busted for a DUI with the exact same pastor. A pastor who by all logic and reason should’ve drowned the little bastard as part of the church’s never-ending battle with Satan if not realized his entire life’s work is bullshit while dunking a spoiled, little racist brat’s head in a bathtub so he can stay rich enough to buy drugs and hookers. That depresses me, and I’m not even the one selling my soul to Tiny Tupac.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Splash News


  1. Jennyfurr

    What a douchenozzle.

  2. Every church/religion has its price.

  3. “Keep your thoughts pure and let no words of malice or judgment fall from your mouth. If you do, you have to take a bath, then everything’s cool again, bro.” – The Big God Book

  4. Translation: “Yo, got a bathtub full of holy water? Been hanging with my entourage too much lately–I need to wash all the nigger smell off me.”

  5. Yeah, yeah. He doesn’t regret anything except the bad publicity.

  6. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    The chubby kid is riding English…Justin is riding ‘twink’.

    • Nitpicker

      I know you were just making a funny, but being a horse person I just couldn’t let this go… even though the kid is wearing a helmet which is much more common in English style, the saddle is in fact Western, which means the kid is riding Western not English.

      On a positive note, I think that “The chubby kid is riding Western…Justin is riding ‘twink” works just as well. :)

  7. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    Aha, that’s why California Chrome was too tired to win at Belmont.

  8. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    Ah yes, the fedora, a long time favorite among cowboys.

  9. The Most Interesting

    What’s that, friendly neighborhood dog? You want me to kill him and his whole entourage? Seems pretty extreme, pup.

    What’s that? You’re the Voice of God on Earth, and I should shoot them in the head at a pizza shop?

    Huh. Well, that makes as much sense as “taking a bath cleanses you of your dumbassery,” I guess.

  10. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    Yup, that looks like a group of dedicated equestrians.

  11. Marketing Mike

    Unless that bathtub can go back in time 5 years it’s over.
    He can’t undo years of basically giving his white fan base
    the finger, while high on an assortment of drugs. Those
    12-13 year old girls from 2008 are 18 now, listening to
    real artists, real musicians, not pre-teen bubblegum pop.
    Nobody is buying his music, and his label can’t wait to
    dump him hard, as well as his (soon to be) ex-manager.
    That bathtub gimmick isn’t going to save him this time.

    everybody he sees
    the finger, while high on an assortment of drugs. His old
    fan base is long gone. Apologizing now won’t help.

  12. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    ‘Yup, it’s still there…dammit.’

  13. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    Justin ‘Yup, it’s still there…dammit.’
    Michelle Rodriguez ‘Don’t worry, I can help. I’ve done this before.’

  14. cc
    Commented on this photo:

    Justin ‘Yup, it’s still there…dammit.’
    Michelle Rodriguez ‘Don’t worry, I can help. I’ve done this before.’
    Justin ‘I’m not sure about this, but I’ll pull my pants down anyway’.
    Michelle Rodriguez ‘Okay, now I am going to lasso your cock and pull it off.’

  15. ManWhoHasSeenAVagina

    I am a bit torn, because I don’t care what “bad words” he used, but I want to see him flame out as soon as possible.

    Get it straight though, Fish. He isn’t remorseful about what he did, he is remorseful that it lead to bad publicity.

    By the way, the fact that TMZ sat on this footage for all these years and used it as leverage for access to him should be mentioned in every story about the topic.

  16. Commented on this photo:

    “Yo nigga, you riden dirty?”
    “For realz man, the dust is making me ashy.”
    “Shit, aint you a white Canadian.”
    “Remember that non-disclosure form you signed?

  17. MZ MIZRY

    great. now he will fit right in when he applies for citizenship in texas or florida.

  18. If his people cared at all, they would tell him to put a freakin’ shirt on.

  19. I’m enjoying his downward spiral. Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy.

  20. Swearin

    This just highlights the hypocrisy of modern religion; act like a shit human being 6 days a week, then pray a little on Sunday and people tell you God forgives you, giving you an renewed pass to be a shit human being for the next week. It’s paying lip service to Christ.

    • If there was a christ…

    • D-chi

      The hypocrisy is that that’s not even a little bit how Christianity is supposed to work, lol. Jesus said, “Go and sin no more,” not “Sprinkle water on your head for a free pass.” That, my friends, is called license, and is frowned upon in most societies.

      tl;dr JB needs to stop appropriating the guise of religious faith (while misusing it completely) and just be honest about what an unrepentant buttmunch he is.

  21. Commented on this photo:

    WHY does he walk like a hunchback?

  22. Ursher needs to put a leash on her before she gets bit.

  23. Short Round
    Commented on this photo:

    Hello, Ladies! Look at your man! Now look at me! He’s not me but he could smell like me. Make him ride in the hot desert. Put him on a cocaine diet. Switch him to Youg Douche aftershave and he could smell like me. Anything’s possible when you’re a dick. I’m on a horse!

  24. Commented on this photo:

    Did he shit his pants from riding a horse?

  25. CrackerSmacker

    Cowboys ain’t racist. Yeeehaw!

  26. Makrel
    Commented on this photo:

    Same bathtub his mom makes Gin in…

  27. “…he’s actually showing remorse for his actions.
    In a pig’s ass! He’s scrambling because he got busted and he’s trying to mitigate the damage.

  28. Commented on this photo:

    This horse needs to be sent to the glue factory ASAP. Had a great opportunity to rid the world of this douchebag and failed.

  29. The one thing that Bieber’s people don’t understand is that, according to the Official Boy Scouts of America Hand Book, Baptism in a bathtub doesn’t count unless the person being baptized is held under that water for a minimum of 35 minutes. True story. Check it out…

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