So Justin Bieber Probably Banged Adriana Lima

May 29th, 2014 // 36 Comments
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Last week, myself and anyone interested in maintaining the illusion that this is a sane and rational world that hasn’t completely descended into chaos attempted to laugh off reports that Adriana Lima and Justin Bieber allegedly hooked up in Cannes. There was even video of her brushing him off. But now more and more reports keep coming in that they went home together at 5 a.m. although none of them even consider the possibility she was just checking under his bed for monsters. It’s called journalism, people. Us Weekly reports:

“Justin pursued her hard,” says a pal of the mom of two, who split from husband Marko Jaric in May after five years of marriage. At a private house party later that night, “they were talking nonstop,” adds the source. “They went home together around 5 a.m.”
The “Boyfriend” singer took to his Instagram account that same night, sharing a snap of himself and the 32-year-old stunner. Bieber captioned the pic, “I think she foreign, I think she foreign,” referencing lyrics from his song “Confident.”
“He had fun with Adriana,” says a Bieber source. “[But] it won’t turn into anything serious.”

“Holy shit, you just fucked Adriana Lima! Think you’ll do it again?”

- What literally just happened here because the gods of this world are dead and we now live at the mercy of Cockthulu, Destroyer of All That Once Was Good And Hot By Sticking Justin Bieber’s Wiener In It

Photos: Instagram / FameFlynet


  1. Fish, despite your attempts, I shall continue to live in my world that dictates this shit-stain did not bang her.

    • P.T.S. Potential Trouble Source

      Agreed, non-photoshopped pic’s or it did NOT happen.

    • Yeah, I claim total bullshit on this story. There’s no way a twinky little douche like Bieber hooks up with a woman who is about a foot taller than him, just weeks after she divorces her large manly man of a husband (and father to her children). The source is US Weekly, that’s not even a step up from the National Enquirer.

      I’m sure she finds him to be a cute little boy, so she talked to him one night. Nothing more than that.

  2. Is there no woman I like he won’t defile? Think of the children! They need someone to fap to.

  3. When he bangs 22 year old models and shit, i’m kinda like, eh they are just dumb girls that grew up on his shit.

    When he bangs chicks that weren’t 14 when he was singing ‘baby baby baby’ I’m just confused how that happened. It’s not like there is a shortage of gold to be dug.

  4. D-chi

    That picture gives me a headache for more than one reason.

  5. Veronika Larsson

    So a skanky “supermodel” had sexy with an annoying wigger wannabe? Everybody knows self-involved assholes are babe magnets. It’s just one more way God fucks with the human race.

  6. Most of the “supermodels” are skanky starfuckers. No surprise that they hooked up, is there? Everybody knows that self-involved waste-of-oxygen assholes are babe magnets, especially if they have money. It’s just one of the many ways God torments the human race.

  7. Wally's Beaver

    So she went from being a virgin bride to a MILF who lets pop star posers get action from her?

  8. Cock Dr

    Just more celebrities exchanging herpes virus after their cocaine binge.

  9. As much as I dislike the little shit, I have to acknowledge that he has had some great beards.

  10. Short Round

    The lesson here is: Despite everything women say the key to a woman’s heart is not being a nice guy. But be the biggest douchebag shithead and women will fall before your feet. (now, let the self-righteous, self-deluding backlash commence…)

    • Book: The Sociopath Next Door. Basically, sociopaths are very successful in our society because the lack a conscience and any shred of self-doubt, so they appear “confident” and “take charge”.

      “Asshole” is just another word for “sociopath”.

      I confess you’re right. Women say nice guys finish first but the real world evidence proves the contrary.

    • buzz

      I’ve always said the same thing.

      Women don’t want a nice guy until they are sick of banging loads of bad boys then decide to settle for a nice guy. Even then the nice guy will probably get cheated on when she gets bored of him being nice.

      To keep the girl you have to be an asshole who decides to stop being one to his girl.

      • Well, even a nice guy has to be “bad” once in awhile. On the flip side, what guy wants a woman who is Little Miss Mary Sue all the damned time? Don’t you want a woman who has a Bad Girl side to her? Of course you do!

        Adriana Lima is, let’s face it, not the sharpest knife in the drawer and since she’s been spoilt rotten since she was a teenager, likely is an emotionally arrested adolescent who just happens to be chronologically in her thirties. There’s a lot of *that* going around, too, in both genders.

      • anonymous

        Guys want their women “bad” as in slutty in the bedroom but will bail quickly if she’s a total bitch.

        Women will marry and have kids with a complete asshole if they believe he is the right asshole.

      • *Dumb women will.

        Seriously, we’re not all gutter sluts out for money and black eyes.

  11. Swearin

    Yeah sure, just like he hooked up with Barbara Palvin, Miranda Kerr, a Jenner sister, Yolanda YoungTits, that rapper groupie/model who drove his car, in addition to “accepting” his girlfriend Selena back at least twice because he called her a princess one time. So that’s 5 models (3 supermodels), a wannabe model/reality star, and possibly the hottest singer/actress under 25 in the world. In all cases, the stories are told to make it seem like HE is the one in charge and who is deciding how things play out.

    Has anyone considered this kid just has a really aggressive but incredible publicist? Like maybe Satan?

  12. Swearin

    Err Yovanna, not Yolanda

  13. Nice five weeks-worth of moustache there, Nancy.

  14. Coco T-Rex

    You would think that if Adriana wanted to take a dip in the lady pond that one of the other Angels would have been willing. Oh, but I guess they just don’t swing that way.

  15. Little Tongue

    So she has daddy and kid brother issues…

  16. I thought this was already known, back when her and Orli split.

  17. He probably ejaculated on her leg and then spent 4 hours crying in her lap because the other kids tease him about his wispy mustache. Ah, prom was fun.

  18. It was probably the most boring 10 seconds of her life.

  19. this lends more credence to the “many worlds” interpretation of quantum mechanics. it turns out there is a world in which Adriana Lima hooks up with #BBARE

  20. juanhunglow

    I bet she ass packed him

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