Just Go, Jessica Simpson, Be Free

Jessica Simpson, you don’t have to do this to yourself anyway. You’re a Chili’s girl trapped in a sushi and heroin chic world. Everyone knows it, and that’s okay. It’s who you are. Also what you are is crazy fucking rich. You shouldn’t have to stand on another red carpet sucking and pushing your gut in while your heart’s wondering if those ribs in your purse are still good. You’ve got kids now, and a man who loves you for your money, so he’s not going anywhere. And even if he did, so what? You’re loaded and have giant tits! The world is your oyster. Hell, I’d have sex with you for free (and a PS4), or there are always freeloading gay guys just waiting to live in rich women’s mansions. I saw it on TV. You’ll never be alone, so stop playing this bullshit game, girl, and get some Southwest Egg Rolls. You earned ‘em.

Paid for by the majority stockholders of Chili’s Grill & Bar™

Photos: INFphoto,Splash News