Just Go, Jessica Simpson, Be Free

December 4th, 2013 // 31 Comments
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Jessica Simpson, you don’t have to do this to yourself anyway. You’re a Chili’s girl trapped in a sushi and heroin chic world. Everyone knows it, and that’s okay. It’s who you are. Also what you are is crazy fucking rich. You shouldn’t have to stand on another red carpet sucking and pushing your gut in while your heart’s wondering if those ribs in your purse are still good. You’ve got kids now, and a man who loves you for your money, so he’s not going anywhere. And even if he did, so what? You’re loaded and have giant tits! The world is your oyster. Hell, I’d have sex with you for free (and a PS4), or there are always freeloading gay guys just waiting to live in rich women’s mansions. I saw it on TV. You’ll never be alone, so stop playing this bullshit game, girl, and get some Southwest Egg Rolls. You earned ‘em.

Paid for by the majority stockholders of Chili’s Grill & Bar™

Photos: INFphoto,Splash News

superficial

  1. Firecrotch McBatshit

    Y’know, as crazy as they are, I’d still have sex with both her and Britney Spears. I’ll go wait for their calls now…

  2. JungleRed

    I read this entire post with Steve Perry singing inside my head, “Just a chi-li’s girl…livin’ in suu-shi wo-orld!”

  3. Can’t believe this is the same girl who played Daisy Duke a mere 8 or so years ago.

  4. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    elephantman
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s wearing a girdle and its squeezing the shit out of her.

  5. Shes just carbo loading for a run at Bennigan’s, she’ll burping powdered sugar from the Monte Cristo sandwhiches.

  6. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    polk
    Commented on this photo:

    Still trying to win Rom’s heart, by transforming into an offensive lineman.

  7. Jenn

    Dammit, I want some of those fuckin egg rolls now.

  8. she’s touching her stomach, so…pregnant? Or too many nachos?

  9. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Our producer says we are not cutting away to a different shot until you exhale.”

  10. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    “Jessica , you’re so thin! What’s your secret?”
    “Spanx!”

  11. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    fap
    Commented on this photo:

    Uh oh her boobs are tipping her over again.

  12. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like she’s in pain.

  13. Christ Aguilera

    She looks great, except for the lips

  14. Loren

    This post is amazing marry me

  15. Beer for thought

    Darn toot’n!

  16. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Amazed
    Commented on this photo:

    I just sharted…

  17. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Amazed
    Commented on this photo:

    Errrrppp…

  18. Let’s be honest, I fap to thicker people on Xvideos on a daily basis. I still totally and gladly would, I don’t give damn.

  19. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Renzomatic
    Commented on this photo:

    At least she has a table to rest her chicken wings upon. Or her chin.

  20. Jessica Simpson Sucking In Her Gut 7th Annual Footwear News Achievement Awards
    Dick Thunder
    Commented on this photo:

    I don’t care what any of you say. She has big hooty jabos and I love her very much.

  21. They give out awards for writing about shoes?! Really?! Really??!!

  22. One of the hottest women around. The sexual napalm reference only makes her that much more desirable.

    • guest

      Since that napalm reference was made by John Mayer, I’ve always assumed it had something to do with his rumored scat fetish. John’s aphrodisiac with Jessica was a bottle of ex-lax.

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