Joss Stone Almost Stabbed in Backseat of Fiat, ‘Prom Night All Over Again,’ Quips Sexy Blogger

June 15th, 2011 // 70 Comments

For those of you just joining the Internet, Joss Stone was targeted in an insane kidnap/murder plot because apparently British celebrity news is out to make America’s look like bloody wankers this week. The Sun reports:

Cops found swords, rope and a body bag when they swooped on the pair at around 10am yesterday near the star’s isolated country home.
The men, aged 33 and 30, also had detailed maps and aerial photos of her rural property in east Devon.
The suspects had travelled from the Manchester area 200 miles away.
Police insiders said they were arrested on suspicion of planning a terrifying raid on Joss, 24, who has a £9million personal fortune.
The alleged plot was foiled by sharp-eyed neighbours who saw two black men acting suspiciously in a red Fiat Punto.

Wait. Joss Stone’s neighbors called the cops because they saw two black dudes in a car? I guess our customs aren’t so different after all…

AMERICAN: Don’t go out there, slim. I just saw me a colored fellow.
BRIT: My word. I shall ring Scotland Yard at once!
AMERICAN: Well, dadgum, I reckon that’d be my reaction. Put her there.
BRIT: Top form, old chap, top form.

And begin world peace.

Photos: Splash News

superficial

  1. Marie

    Freaken nuts!

  2. Snooki's Taint

    ‘telly’ is television, fish, you idiot.

  3. silly fish you don’t telly someone you ring them..
    knives + body bag = good luck posting bail. so is that catcher in the rye thing is catching on?

  4. The Critical Crassness

    These guys weren’t really trying to rob her. They were just returning the things she left behind at Prince William’s bachelor party.

  5. Go Galt

    You’re sarcasm masquerading as self-righteous racial enlightenment is seriously and sadly misplaced. The two suspicious black guys TURNED OUT TO BE PLANNING A KIDNAPPING/RAPE/MURDER. Wake up to reality, moron. A hugely disproportionate amount of crime and mayhem is caused by blacks, whatever your liberal pea brain wants to believe.

    • Well

      2 black people were planning a crime and therefore ALL black people must be planning crimes!!!!!!11122

      A bit of advice, never attempt a rubik’s cube or any other sort of rudimentary puzzle. With logic like yours you’ll be trapped in a never ending cycle of failure until the end of your days. Stick to riding bulls and fucking your sister or whatever it is you people do for fun.

      • Ben Shepherd

        Truth be told in the UK an amazingly disproportionate amount of crime is carried out by coloured people. There are social and economic reasons why of course. But it is sadly true. According to statics 5.5 times more likely. That is a damming statistic on Societies failure.

      • Statistics

        not sure where you got from that post that all black people must be criminals.

        go look in the prison. tell me what minority is the majority. what do you think happened?

      • Well

        How about you try checking the statistics for what percentage of the black community lives below the poverty line vs what percentage of the white community does. Communities that are largely poor will obviously have higher rates of crime, just like there’s more working class white kids in prison than cambridge graduates. Just counting the numbers of each race is prison is a gross oversimplification used by idiots to justify their illogical hatred of people who look different to them.

      • Statistics

        Far more white folks below the poverty line, even if the percentage is less.

      • Go Galt

        You simply do not know what you’re talking about. Try learning about relative crime rates, black-on-white crime (e.g., 99% of interacial rapes are blacks on white), urban youth violence, gang membership, etc. You might learn that, while not all criminals are black and not all blacks are criminals, blacks are, in fact, significantly more likely to be criminals and a huge percentage of blacks are, in fact, criminals. The issue is one of probability and being careful about actual, known risks. Only pea-brained liberals like you and Fish ignore reality. Do you also believe that middle-aged white ladies from Kansas are just as likely to commit terrorism on planes as Muslim males from Pakistan?

      • Well

        “Far more white folks below the poverty line, even if the percentage is less.”

        Well you notice I said percentage, not number. If the majority of your community is below the poverty line then said community is far more likely to be highly influenced by crime and black market economics. Over time that effect builds and builds. It doesn’t matter if there are more poor white people, their social group is still less influenced overall by crime because a higher percentage of it is affluent. Just comparing raw numbers is the recourse of a moron, the issue is far more complex than just looking at who commits the most crime and going “Them, it’s their fault”.

        Go Galt, you’re a fucking idiot. Of course a male muslim from a war torn part of the world is more likely to be a terrorist than a middle aged white woman from kansas, he has far more reason to be. He’s also likely far more likely to be shot in the head by a white american soldier sent by a rich white american so they can keep control of the natural resources in the area he lives in. And by the way, muslims from pakistan? Generally speaking not black, so congratulations on showing up your overt racism towards anyone not white.

      • Blumpkin

        @ Well

        Who cares the excuse/ reasoning behind it? It is what it is. If it were blonde haired blue eyed whites, Id be saying the same thing. I could care less what their skin color is…although thats a nice sounding defensive strategy for those that dont understand economics 101 and what is turning out to be the worst failed social experiment in the history of the world.

      • Go Galt

        Well: “the issue is far more complex than just looking at who commits the most crime . . . .” Huh??? It’s amazing how liberals deny and/or obfuscate anything and everything that conflicts with their cherished belief about human “equality.” The bottom line is that liberals think it is immoral and “racist” to acknowledge “who commits the most crime” and to act accordingly to protect oneself and one’s family and community from harm. They prefer that we all pretend that the rowdy group of “youths” hanging out on the street corner in Harlem are no more dangerous than a troupe of girl scouts from Iowa. Yeah, right . . . .

      • Well

        @ Blumpkin,

        Since when did I say you cared what their skin colour was? The racist comments were addressed to Go Galt.
        Also, the reasoning behind it was the whole point of this exhange. The guy was making out that black people are somehow predisposed to crime, I’m making the point that things are that way because of the social structure and it would be that way whatever colour their skin was. He’s obviously just using it as an excuse for racism.

      • Well

        @Go Galt

        Either read what I say properly or shut the fuck up, at no point have I said blacks didn’t commit the most crime. I stated there were reasons for that far more involved than what colour their skin was. You seem to be struggling with that simple concept. But whatever, like I’ve said it sounds like you just want an excuse to dig out the old klan hood and go burning some crosses.

      • Go Galt

        “social structure” — who gives a shit what lame excuse you give for black misbehavior? I suppose eons of poor “social structure” also accounts for blacks having lower IQs than whites (and Asians having higher IQs than both races)? Or do you deny that reality as well? The bottom line is that you refuse to recognize the moral legitimacy of people recognizing the black predilection for criminal behavior (whatever the cause) and taking appropriate protective action — including calling the cops when two suspicious black men are seen lurking in a car outside a celebrity’s home.

      • Statistics

        “It doesn’t matter if there are more poor white people, their social group is still less influenced overall by crime because a higher percentage of it is affluent”

        By that standard shit-ass communities full of white folks in West Virginia should be loaded with crime. And they are, it’s just oxycontin and wife beating rather than shooting each other. Unless you are saying that they aren’t as influenced by crime because of the overall influence from affluent whites — which is basically saying that black culture is enamored with crime.

        your white guilt is so strong you can’t even think straight.

      • Wrath

        No, stupid. That’s not what Galt said. You’re so brainwashed it’s sad. In your warped mind the fact that the race was even mentioned is worse than the crime they were plotting, which is why racism isn’t going anywhere. Personally, I see posts like yours, the fanatic antiracist types, and it makes me want to live in an all white nation so I don’t have to hear it from you zealots anymore. I’m sick of blacks committing a disproportionate amount of violent crime compared to the percentage of the population and then screaming “racist” when someone dares to point it out. You make things worse with you smug BS. Go take a stroll through Harlem and tell them that they’re obligatedd to respect and love whitey and see what happens. I double dare you. You can only get away with that with us “evil racist white people”.

    • Sef

      Ahahahaha. Having worked in the security industry, the ethnicity most likely to hijack a plane is WHITE, and most likely to commit a bombing is WHITE. That is pure statistics right there. Omaha bombing? IRA anyone? Eta? Have fun.

      They probably called the police in Devon because there is a VERY overbearing majority of white people in the county, it’s mostly countryside and not the nice type, moors and suchlike. Seeing black people is about as frequent as in say Manitoba in Canada.

      • Wrath

        Really? Where are all the stories of white hijackers? I’ve never seen one. Another lying, hypocritical “antiracist” (More like antiwhite) zealot.

        An “overbearing white majority” sounds like heaven to me. Go live in Watts or Compton and get back to us.

  6. Seat Filler

    ” ‘sup is only me or could you just stab that Joss Stone all night long”
    ” Not just you, let’s do this shit”

  7. Ben Shepherd

    2 black dudes in a Fiat 500 in rural Devon. Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb. The neighbour probably thought they were aliens of some form. In fact thinking about it I’m not sure I have ever seen a black person in the west country outside Bristol.

    • God

      HAha. Love it.

      • Ben Shepherd

        It’s true. Just don’t seem them much. Mate of mine in the Valleys of Wales didn’t see his first real black person until he came to University in 1996.

    • Blumpkin

      “I’m not sure I have ever seen a black person in the west country outside Bristol.”

      WOW…sounds like Heaven…unless the whites that live there are like this blogger and 35% of America..riddled with white guilt over something they had nothing to do with, then it would suck.

      Gutless, politically correct, white guilt riddled idiots that lack the ability to see things for what they are are worse than any terrorist, marxist, socialist or sociopath.

      At least with the others, you know what youre getting. With the aforementioned whites, they are such spineless pussies that their modus operandi differs daily, depending upon what color their panties are or upon which minority comes up with the best tagline for inflicting such “guilt.”

      • Bow Chica Wow Wow

        You’re lucky living down there, up north whites are the minority now and we’re over run with benefit scrounging immigrants that don’t speak English.

  8. the captain

    o yeah!!
    EVEN SIMPLE WHORES CAN MAKE IT IN THE UNITED STATES, folks!!

  9. Dan

    I’d like to stick Joss Stone… and not with a knife. If you know what I mean…

  10. Dan

    The race of the men was probably just the description of the men in the car.

    I used to live out in a rural area – a parked car on the road where normally you don’t see anyone sticks out. It is not like the city where you could park across the street from someone’s place and no one would notice.

    Basically, what I am saying is the first thing noticed by the neighbors was probably not the color of the guys in the car, it was that there was a car sitting in some spot where not car should be.

    • Ben Shepherd

      What in Devon. Come on. Lets be honest. If they’d walked into a shop they’d probably have been followed around it.

      • Blumpkin

        Wow Ben…still carrying around the guilt of owning slaves to oI see huh?

        STFU and get over yourself honky.

    • Mike Walker

      The actual quote was “two black men acting suspiciously”. Try to see the forest for the trees.

  11. Daily Moisturizing

    I’m sure there are quite a few other individuals who have these things in there car all of the time. I know several people who have sharp pointy objects, duct tape, rope and trash bags in the trunks of their vehicles.

  12. Commented on this photo:

    I’d rather have sex with the car.

  13. RivernEgypt

    Can’t blame them she’s adorable, although their method was a bit heavy handed. I would have used candy and sweet nothings to lure her………

  14. What, no tasers, pepper spray or chainsaws? Amateurs.

  15. Chris

    But they were right. Imagine if political correctness had kept them from reporting the black dudes. Joss might have been killed.

  16. rough sexy

    I’m guessing studio engineer takes getting stiffed very seriously in the UK?

  17. Ultimate

    They almost put their hands on her, baby.

  18. brian

    suspicious black guys not only in America

    First Sean Bean then Joss Stone maybe Randy Quaid is on to something

  19. brian

    Imagine if the dudes were white

    Gotta love Profiling

  20. Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s one hell of an outie on that woman.

  21. Heh

    I fucking hate your politics, but you are a funny sumbitch sometimes.

  22. um...
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s a peta-tard too?? Ugh…

  23. I_HEART_HUCKABEES

    More brainwashed horse-shit from idiot American “conservatives.” It’s easy, anyone can be a “conservative” in the U.S! All you have to do is act high-and-mighty, denegrate everyone who doesn’t share your opinion, pretend to be “hard on crime” and taxes, and above all, blame those gosh-darn satanic “liberals” whenever you can. And listen to Fats Limburgher and Fux Lies 24/7. It’s all you “need to know.”

    Yep, it’s the liberals…they’re the new commies/jews/nazis. They are to blame for ALL the world’s ills and only the GOD FEARIN’ “conservatives” can save us now!

    (Conservatives is in quotes because idiot americans wouldn’t know what a real conservative was if he jumped up and bit them in the ass.)

    • Fats Limburgher

      Yea, thats it. Resorting to name calling and emotion based rants is the way to go. Screw arguing with statistics/ facts/ prior DUMBocrat statements and all that hooey…that’ll get you nowhere.

      Oh..and its definitely a + to try and take on the most watched news channel on the planet…yea, the one that has 5x the viewers of all other “news” channels in the US.

      Way to NOT be all “high-and-mighty, denegrate everyone who doesn’t share your opinion ” princess.

  24. Venom

    Doesn’t she date black dudes?
    Maybe this was just some sort of rape, gangbang fantasy game that got interrupted.

  25. Jock McCrock

    Have you ever heard her sing?? She’s awful with that nasally strangled-in-the-throat whine which is such a blatant rip-off of black soul music, but with as much soul as, well, a middle-class Dorset teen doing bad karoake. Maybe these men just took too much of an exception to her being compared, yet again, to a young Aretha Franklin. I know when I hear her being described in those terms it makes me want to reach for a kitchen knife and the AA routefinder…

  26. Ponkur

    Black guys in Dover? Of course people got suspicious.

  27. LJ

    Wait, how the fuck did Joss Stone wind up being worth £9million?

    • Sais

      She has a pussy… speaking of which, I’d love to hit that over and over again. But I’m selfish like two black dudes in a car.

  28. hamshank

    @ Ponkur

    Black guys in Dover?

    Probably washed up from France.

    • Bow Chica Wow Wow

      +1 The French have a huge problem with illegal immigrants and they said it’s because they’re all trying to come to the UK for the free houses and money.

  29. TomFrank

    There were swords involved? Are the police questioning Liev Schreiber?

  30. Jovy

    Ahh, I see the inbred racists have come out to feed, way to reel em in, Fish.

  31. Always say cunt

    I have seen her bare arse when she was a teenager.

  32. me
    Commented on this photo:

    looks painful as if she is trying to fart

  33. If i had a dollar for every time I either heard or used the ’2 black guys doing such and such’ to cover other illicit activities, I’d be a rich man.

    There’s something somewhat comforting that Europe profiles just like we do. Comforting in a tragic way..yeah.

  34. brooklyn

    why are people fighting about this. they were planing to do her harm right? also just because she is a bad singer does not mean people have the right to do her kill her or what ever. they did find a body bag right?

  35. Jester

    Fish, stick to self deprecation and jokes about living with your Mom, your political-self righteousness is just nauseating and awfully polarizing. Worse it brings out nauseating apologists like Well.

  36. Nigel Collins

    The police uncover what appears to be a real plot to do grievous harm to a innocent human being, and for you this is simply fodder for a lame attempt at adolescent humor? The FACT that the intended victim’s neighbors foiled the plot through their vigilance is cast aside while you attempt–and fail–to depict the whole thing as something to do with racism? I realize you are beyond shame and smug in your cyberspace anonymity, but you and your bosses may yet face judgment.

  37. 216-Bradley Sewell

    Joss Stone, former fan type, man, that was really scary situation againist those fucking black people, trying to fucking rape her or something? That is mentally, and disoriently wrong…

  38. patton

    that would have been justice for that nig nog lover.

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