Josiah Duggar Can’t Be Wifin’ Every Bitch He Side-Hugs

“Wait. If we get married, I have to let you style my hair?”

Because the Duggars are guaranteed Lenny Kravitz dick traffic and I have no journalistic integrity whatsoever, here’s a post about Josiah Duggar ending his courtship with Marjorie Jackson for reasons that I’m sure have nothing to do with the remarkable fashion sense of a kid who basically grew up Amish. I don’t know what you’re hinting at. PEOPLE reports:

“Both Josiah and Marjorie have enjoyed getting to know each other and to build their friendship over the past months,” the Duggar family and the Jackson family tell PEOPLE in an exclusive statement. “We are so grateful that they each are seeking the Lord’s will for their future. A few weeks ago Marjorie and Josiah agreed to end their courtship, keeping in step with what they believe the Lord’s will is. Both are thankful for the time getting to know each other, and their families continue to enjoy each other’s company and close friendship.”

For those of you weren’t forced to go to church three times a week until you escaped to college and stuck your penis in everything that put a drink in front of you (I really should’ve called that mechanical arm back.), a “courtship” is a Christian-approved form of dating where you basically stare at each other until you get married without ever once touching (see: side hug, WTF is a), or you’ll burn in Hell for all eternity. Except where most people find all kinds of just really great loopholes that they pray Jesus to forgive them for before doing it all over again because biology, the Duggars drill it into their children’s heads that sex is a dirty, rotten, evil thing, and I think it’s safe to say that’s worked out super awesome for them. Nope, no spectacular backfires here. Just peach cobbler and Godly joys all around. Hallelujah!

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