Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson do it for a long time

April 6th, 2006 // 83 Comments

josh-scarlett-tantric.jpgJosh Hartnett has hinted that he and Scarlett Johansson have been practicing the mystical sex meditation technique of tantric sex.

“A really dirty friend of mine gave me a book on tantric sex for my birthday. I studied it to see what all the fuss was about. It’s not easy but it’s all good.”

Look, if Josh Hartnett wants me to kick him in the groin all he has to do is come out and ask. He doesn’t have to make up silly stories about having sex with Scarlett Johansson for hours and hours, filling me with a hateful rage that makes me drive my fist through every wall I see. Your nuts are mine, Hartnett. Your nuts are mine!

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superficial

  1. doesntmatter

    didn’t want to know that.

  2. sweetcheeks

    If by “tantric,” he means, “suprisingly sloppy,” who HASN’T done that?

  3. sweetcheeks

    You know, it’s nice to see that fat girls are getting laid, too. It gives all us strikingly attractive girls a break.

  4. Thank God! Tantric sex needed a new spokesperson, because Sting is such a dirty old stinky perv. Scarlett, you fat lucky bitch!

  5. Kenton

    Does Josh swing both ways?

  6. gogoboots

    I already read this somewhere, yawn, old news! Scarlett is not fat by any stretch of the imagination…

  7. CoJo

    Why is this news? Scarlet Johansen likes sex. She happens to be hot which makes men and women want to have it with her…wow.

    Funny, this is the second of the three “girls-ide-go-gay-for” on the site today…what are you trying to tell me Superficial?

  8. imabeeatch

    Who the fuck are these people and who really gives a flying fuck!?!

  9. Tania

    If I was bangin’ her it would take me a long time to “finish” too because SHE’S SO DAMN UGLY!!!! But go ahead Josh, claim it’s the tantric sex…sure, we believe you. No really, we do.

    U! G! L! Y! She ain’t got no alibi….

  10. krisdylee

    don’t knock the tantric until ya try it… it’s good stuff. and i’m pretty sure i’d go gay for scarlett too.

  11. PregnantEwok

    He must be more awake in the sack than he is on camera…either that or she goes for the monosyllabic type.

    Scarlett: “Oh Josh, I just love the way you touch me.”
    Hartnett: “Og”
    Scarlett: “Yes, take me man meat!”
    Hartnett: “Ul?”
    Scarlett: “Yes, there!”
    Hartnett: “Ul?”

  12. Feed_Me_Chocolate

    What I think about when I hear about tantric sex is…don’t you people get SORE if you’re doing it for hours upon hours?

  13. Binky

    Don’t quote me, but somewhere I think I read that if your right hand learns a “mystical sex meditation technique” – your palms start growing hair and it will eventually lead to blindness.

  14. sweetcheeks

    #13 — outstanding.

  15. Josh Harnett is a liar and a crack addict. He is not having sex with Scarlett Johansson. He isn’t OLD enough.

    C’mon on Hartnett, get to the back of the line with the rest of us.

  16. Ashlee

    Well # 3 and #4 I can understand your intent to be funny but I haven’t noticed Scarlett being fatjust wondering where that is coming from.

    Your comments are not funny!

    And sweetcheeks – maybe you should post your skinniest picture and we’ll all write that you are fat, which from the sounds of it you probably are.

    And… my post is funny!

  17. sweetcheeks

    Sorry, SORRY, Ashlee! I forget how sensitive fat girls are!

  18. sweetcheeks

    You know you’re post is REALLY funny when you close it by saying, “my post is funny!”

    You probably could have closed it with “I have a huge ass,” or “I’m angry and alone.”

    How does one post a picture?

  19. UCSD

    #17, nice burn. Anyone who has to finish their post by stating that it is funny should be ripped a new a-hole

  20. professor booty

    #16 No, it is not.

  21. Sting used to blather on about that same B.S. claiming that he and his wife would have sex for 7 hours. Then years later he admitted that the first 6 1/2 hours were for dinner, a movie and the begging.

  22. sweetcheeks

    Because I have this great picture of me in a velveteen bikini. A real must-see.

  23. Italian Stallion

    He’s just with her for the Lipstick!!!

    Remember?

  24. sweetcheeks

    Spindoc — doesn’t MOST sex require 6 1/2 hours of begging? I mean, once you’re married.

    Unless you’re Paris Hilton, then your estimated beg time is 15-20 seconds.

  25. ZoomBoy

    FUCK HARTNETT!

  26. Phoenix

    You know guys, stating they have ‘tantric’ sex is simply another way of saying they do anal.

    p.s. anyway, isn’t tantric the same as karma sutra? I’m confused.

  27. suzy

    why would he say that??? he knows it would get published…

    now he’s a horney sex machine lol

  28. Sidius

    Sweetcheeks you are HILARIOUS!!

    Just not in the funny way…more in the “I have self-esteem issues and am therefore bitter at any woman that has nice looks and/or is hot” way.

    First you have 5 posts in the Hilary Swank story where you keep insisting that her boobs are fake and now 4 posts here where apparently you need to insist that Scarlett Johansson is fat and disgusting. Nice.

    This blog is like your public shrink’s couch and you’re starting to reveal too much. You’re scaring the children.

    Oh, one more thing…

    Scarlett Johannson is smoking hot and Hilary Swank’s breasts are spectacular. So sayeth everyone but you.

  29. kpatton

    Us oldsters traded sexual energy the old fashioned way, we banged the hell out of each other. We still do. Every time I hear the “Indian” take on things I can’t get past the “fresh glass of piss in the morning to partake of my own essence”, or the coitus interuptus whereby the man compresses his vas defrens between his legs at the moment of truth to prevent ejaculation forcing his semen into his bladder so he doesn’t “waste” his essence and thereby reabsorbing it. Sounds neat huh? My question is, if most Indians practiced it, and it takes hours and hours, why the hell do they seem to be reproducing like fucking bunnies? I mean 1 billion and counting. I think they just boink the hell out of each other like everyone else, and Tantric Sex was thought up, like so many other bogus stuff by a bunch of bored priests as a practical joke to be played on the rest of us. I mean really, have you TRIED any of the positions in the Kamra Sutra? Jeez…just push her legs behind her ears and nail her spine to the mattress, works every time. Although I don’t think Scarlett would bend like that, but my size 1 120 lb 50 yer old sweetie does…Sex is wasted on the young… cause they don’t know what they are doing.

  30. PregnantEwok

    Is it me or does Scarlett J. look like a Mae West byblow? Can’t you just see her in 30 years syaing, “C’mon over here, big boy!”

    Ok, I just skeeved my self out. Ew.

    NOW THAT’S FUNNY!!! ;-)

  31. xogirly84

    i thought tantric sex was having sex without actually touching your partner. like, bringing each other to a climax through loving and intimate gazes or some shit like that.

    in that case, i bet hartnett THOUGHT he was having tantric sex with scarlett johansson those nights when he would stare at her through he bedroom windows while she was changing….

  32. HughJorganthethird

    I don’t care how hot Scarlet is, after 15 minutes I’m losing interest and just want a nap.

  33. that-dog-is-shifty-eyed

    #29 I know that’s you dad.
    I hate it when you talk about sex with mom. Gross.

  34. Ashlee

    Well Sweetcheeks,

    I sure angered you didn’t I! You responded so quickly and frequently to my comment. I must have hit on a sensitive self-esteem issue (as #28 Sidius points out). And I take it back, you are funny because you sure have me laughing at you over here.

    Have a good day

  35. Italian Stallion

    In the famous words of my Idol!!!

    “Can we all just get along”

  36. Italian Stallion

    *Can’t* my bad

  37. #33 Just when I started twitching and having flashbacks to high school from this thread, you made me laugh my head off at work in front of everyone else. So now I REALLY have problems.

  38. Jacq

    Me love you long time!

  39. tits_on_snack

    Mae West is hot.

  40. Trotter

    Ashlee, by funny do you mean pedantic and retarded? Please clarify. Oh, wait. You’re Ashlee Simpson, right?
    Explains plenty.

  41. Michael1

    I disagree Sidius. Scarlett is not hot. She’s interesting looking in that “who does she remind me of? hmmmm” way, but “hot”?? You need to get out more Sidius.

    Tantra is a principle usually associated with spirituality and Buddhism. Sex is one of the “paths” and all the paths are supposedly for *cough* spiritual enlightenment. Tantra uses stuff to heighten the senses and get the two (or three or ) people intensely hot — then you get the dick/vagina connection started and basically dont move for hours and that’s supposed to build up to mind blowing energy. Ever hear the term “Kundalini”?

    Therapsists in the 80s were apparently recommedning “tantra” (without the “spiritual purpose”) to people who were sexually uptight or b-o-r-e-d.

  42. PapaHotNuts

    Here are a few of the things that happen during tantric sex:

    The Dirty Sanchez
    The Rusty Trombone
    Buttering the Corn
    Chewing the Whisker Biscuit
    Twisting the Pink Squirrel
    Getting some stanky on your panky
    Monkey Wrasselin’
    Greasing the Crotch Rocket
    Puttin’ cash in the sausage wallet
    Beaver Training between the sheets
    Paint the taint dark brown
    Filet momma’s tunafish

    Please feel free to add as I am interested in pleasing some of the ladies that post here when we meet at the Superficial convention later this year in Aruba. 164 out of 165 high school students agree that Aruba is great!

  43. What about the 165th?

  44. Michael1

    #42 you forgot:
    Hide the Salami
    Doing the Mattress Mambo
    and teh Horizontal Bop (see tantra involves lots of dancing)
    and Getting Your Red Flight Wings

  45. Trotter

    Tossing the salad

  46. PapaHotNuts

    #43- Natalie Hollaway wouldn’t agree.

  47. sweetcheeks

    Also, the “saucy carlito.” Mmmm… saucy.

  48. CoJo

    The “Strawberry Milkshake”

  49. Trotter

    Cojo – does a Strawberry Milkshake trump Dirty Sanchez for obscenity? I’m an immediate fan.

  50. Saucie

    Sweetcheeks,

    It’s mmmmm….saucie

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