The Duggars Are Getting Pounded In The Ass By People Magazine
Did I have to include Donald Trump’s potential running mate? Yup.
The Duggars and People magazine used to have a cozy relationship because it’s easier to just assume Christianity equals wholesome than do two seconds of Googling and go, “Holy fuck, these people are using women like cattle to outbreed us into gingham submission.” But that was before Josh Duggar admitted to cheating on his wife – and with a porn star no less – which prompted Jim Bob and Michelle to start demanding softball interviews like the one Megyn Kelly gave them. And amazingly, not only did People not blink, but they finally started doing the research they should’ve done before propping up a dead-eyed baby cult that preaches against gays with one side of their mouths and covers up a child molester with the other. So in what is almost definitely a cry for a help, I read all of People’s latest Duggar coverage so I could bring you such incredible highlights as the Duggar’s code word for averting their eyes from a beautiful woman lest they get a an erection and need their hands hog-tied. That’s just wholesome Biblical parenting that doesn’t at all manifest itself in violent sexual tendencies. That’s devil talk.
‘Duggarville’ Exposed: Jim Bob ‘Is like a Dictator’; How the Clan Uses a Code Word to Repress Lust
In case I didn’t mention fifty times above, almost all of the information you’re about to read was available years before Josh Duggar’s police report was published, but there were magazines to sell. So here’s an excerpt from Jill and Jessa’s own book where they talk about how Jim Bob – who People’s source describes as a “dictator” – trained his sons to look at their shoes if a woman walks by:
In their own 2014 advice book, Growing Up Duggar, four of the Duggar daughters – including Jill, 24, and Jessa, 22 – shared that the family has a code word, “Nike,” to help the men avoid lustful thoughts if an attractive woman crosses their path.
“That’s a signal to the boys, and even to Dad, that they should nonchalantly drop their eyes and look down at their shoes as we walk past her,” they wrote.
Says the Duggar family source: “They say it, and all the boys look straight down to the floor every time. It’s like an automatic military thing. Things like that blow my mind.”
As for what might happen should one of the boys accidentally gaze upon a lovely woman whose vagina isn’t their personal baby potato gun?
The Duggars and Quiverfull: Inside the Extreme Religious Movement That Teaches Children Are ‘Weapons in the Culture War’
Again, a simple Wikipedia search would’ve easily scratched the surface of the Duggar’s cult-like version of Christianity, but you know what people don’t want to read about in the checkout line? Child armies being pooped out by slave women who have to fuck on demand.
The Duggars, of course, famously have 19 children – all of whom are forbidden from nearly every form of physical contact with the opposite sex before marriage.
When it comes to sex after marriage, “the wife is obligated to provide sex to her husband on demand,” says Vyckie Garrison, a former disciple of the movement who now speaks out against it on her blog, No Longer Quivering.
“Your body doesn’t belong to you, and you are just required to submit to that.”
In some such families, husbands “are catered to like temper-tantrum-throwing 3-year-olds,” says Garrison. “The wives become total martyrs, and the husbands become complete narcissists. It is a really bad dynamic.”
“Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Sex is bad. Okay, now you’re married. Fuck your husband all the time or go to hell. Fuck your husband all the time or go to hell. Fuck your husband all the time or go to hell.”
Anna Duggar’s Isolated Life: She Feels It Is ‘Not Godly’ to Get Mad at Josh
If all that sex on demand stuff wasn’t bad enough, if your husband cheats on you, it’s totally your fault even though you’ve been nothing but a walking pocket pussy, and you’re not allowed to get mad about it:
When his wife Anna learned that her husband of seven years had been cheating on her and concealing his pornography addiction, it’s likely her voice never even raised above a whisper.
“She doesn’t get mad,” a source close to the Duggars tells PEOPLE exclusively in this week’s issue. “You are not allowed to get mad. It’s not godly for a woman.”
Even sadder, Anna tried to act exactly like Josh’s mom so she’d be everything he wants in a wom- wait, I’m sorry, what?
“Ever since she met [the Duggars] she has acted more like Michelle,” says the source. “She talks like her, really soft. She, like, whispers.”
Why Anna Duggar Married Josh Despite His Molestation Past
During the first scandal when Josh was exposed as an in-home predator preying on his little sisters (Good, wholesome times.), Anna Duggar wrote a statement saying Josh had confessed his past to her, and she still decided to marry him with her family’s blessing. Which is usually what happens when you spend a woman’s entire life brainwashing her into believing that her sole purpose is to get constantly dicked by a patriarchal asshole until her uterus turns itself inside out from pumping out his kids. In a good Christian way though!
“It definitely wasn’t portrayed in its entirety,” says the source. “I don’t think she understood the entirety of what had happened. It was kind of something that was swept under the rug and nobody made a big deal out of it.”
Furthermore, the source says Anna wasn’t well equipped to truly comprehend what Josh had done. With her strict religious upbringing, “She was very sheltered with anything that came to physical relations or anything like that. She knew the words ‘rape’ or ‘abuse,’ but I don’t think she really understood what that even meant.”
When it came time to process the information, she looked to her parents. “They still gave their blessing,” says the source. “How she was brought up, if your parents gave their blessing then you pretty much marry the guy and that’s what God’s will is for you and what’s best for your life. So much of her belief was based on what her parents told her and not in the actual truth. She looked to her parents and they were okay with it, so she was okay with it.”
So basically the Duggars lied to her and let their shitty religious beliefs cover the rest. Yup, that’s way better than gay marriage. They’re only getting married because of love!
All About Josh Duggar’s Wife Anna: Her Parents Are Even ‘More Extreme’ Than the Duggars, Says Source
And now for the part everyone should’ve figured out by now, Anna’s parents are somehow worse than the Duggars which is pretty incredible because I don’t remember reading anything about their son molesting their daughters, but hey, give it time.
Growing up as one of eight children to parents Mike and Suzette Keller, Anna had a strict, religious childhood similar to that of the Duggars. “Her parents are even a little more extreme,” the source told PEOPLE of the Kellers.
“Anna and her siblings were always taught that if you follow these 10 steps or whatever, God would bless you.”
When Anna, now 27, met Josh at a Christian homeschooling convention back in 2006 when she was a teen, she wasn’t allowed to gush about him to her siblings. “That’s not something that’s shared amongst siblings,” says the source. “They always got 15-minute, one-on-one sessions with their mom every week. That was the time to share their feelings, but other than that they had to keep their feelings to themselves.”
So let me see if I’ve got this straight: Fuck your husband at the drop of the hat. It’s your fault if he cheats on you. Never, ever get mad about anything. And for the love of God, don’t try and talk about your feelings.
That. Sounds. Awes- ful. Awful. I was definitely going to say awful. I can’t believe these people. They’re terrible.
More importantly, who is People’s source for all of this? Because if it’s not Josiah Duggar sitting in a coffee shop dressed like Carmen Sandiego, I hate this entire world and everything in it. It’s dead to me.