Josh Duggar: The Aftermath (Of The New Shit, Not The Sister Touching)

“Why does she keep blinking ‘He put licks on the outside of the doors’ in Morse code?”
“Honey?”
“Locks! It was supposed to be locks. Stupid homeschooling…”

Now that Josh Duggar has confessed to cheating on his wife with two paid Ashley Madison accounts, and it’s been established that she’s not going anywhere, let the spin begin. Starting with…

It’s All Anna’s Fault!

Because church sermons have to trend, too, the Duggars’ pastor spent Sunday morning yelling at wives who don’t fuck their husbands enough. Apparently they have no one to blame but themselves when Satan makes their men pay for strange on the Internet. PEOPLE reports:

“Adultery, being sexually or emotionally unfaithful to your spouse, that’s wrong. Some of you are on the other end of someone else destruction.”
Floyd then spoke about five guidelines people should follow when it comes to relationships and sex.
One of the most notable was the fifth suggestion, which mentioned keeping both husband and wife happy through “sexual contact,” which may only be put on hold for “focused prayer.” However, Floyd warned, if a husband or wife fails to keep his or her partner happy sexually they are opening themselves “up to the attack of the enemy.
“And that enemy is going to take your spouse away from you,” he said.
“Both men and woman have their sexual needs met by someone, somewhere, somehow.”

Keep in mind Anna Duggar has already pumped out four kids, and Josh Duggar looks like Josh Duggar, so that’s at least four times too many right off the bat. Then again, we’re dealing with people who think a horned goat with a pitchfork is making their husbands cheat on them when really it’s because they’re selfish dicks whose religion just handed them a free maid to get pregnant every nine months. You’re basically just furniture with a vagina, and no amount of fucking will change that which, sadly, you won’t learn until around the tenth kid.

Mom And Dad Are Shutting Down Interviews

People magazine had a friendly arrangement with the Duggars, but that was before their sister-molesting, adulterous son became a click-bait bonanza, so now they’re straight shutting down Jim Bob and Michelle who refused to do a cover story if any of the questions involved Josh. New York Daily News reports:

“They did not want to discuss the scandal, only the future of the family. They wanted to avoid it altogether, which is completely ridiculous,” says our source. “How can they do a cover story and not address the issue at hand?”
We’re told People, which has had a long relationship with the family, approached the Duggars about doing “the first big interview since the confession” and since the TLC show was canceled.
“The Duggars said we would love to, however we will not address Josh’s trouble,” says our source. “People tried to negotiate and eventually played hardball, saying we’re doing the cover with or without you.”

In People’s defense, no one gives a shit about the “future of the family” because it’s pretty simple to figure out: Kids. Tons and tons of kids. Until they outnumber us all and infiltrate every level of government per the explicit instructions of their cult.

“Haha! But isn’t cute how many they are? Let’s watch them make pies on TV.” – Everyone that fucked us all, just fucked us so hard

The Bible Makes It All Better

Finally, Jessa – Remember the hot one from the Jessica Simpson boob post? – has taken to posting photos of Bible verses on Instagram. Which is technically witchcraft, but have you met Jesus? That guy’ll let you cheat on the pregnant woman who was still forced to marry you even after you admitted to molesting your sisters. He doesn’t give a fuck.

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