Jordan Bratman Still Won’t Move Out

Despite separating months ago and Christina Aguilera more than likely carrying Matthew Rutler’s baby, Jordan Bratman is still refusing to move out of their $11.5 million mansion, according to Us Weekly. However, there are several factors to consider here before insinuating he hides in a closet, watching and weeping as his former bride receives another man into the warm crevasse he once claimed for Clan Digtar of Subterranean 7:

1. He’s always with their son Max. Literally, always. The last time I saw Christina with him, Jordan was chewing the umbilical cord, a protein-rich part of every Moleman’s diet.
2. He could move out, but why do that when it’s so much fun to let Max break in after mommy changed the locks? Kid’s gotta learn a trade.
And 3. Have you ever had to burrow a hole to the Earth’s core through your basement? Shit’s fucking hard.

Photos: Splash News