Jordan Bratman Still Won’t Move Out

February 3rd, 2011 // 30 Comments

Despite separating months ago and Christina Aguilera more than likely carrying Matthew Rutler‘s baby, Jordan Bratman is still refusing to move out of their $11.5 million mansion, according to Us Weekly. However, there are several factors to consider here before insinuating he hides in a closet, watching and weeping as his former bride receives another man into the warm crevasse he once claimed for Clan Digtar of Subterranean 7:

1. He’s always with their son Max. Literally, always. The last time I saw Christina with him, Jordan was chewing the umbilical cord, a protein-rich part of every Moleman’s diet.
2. He could move out, but why do that when it’s so much fun to let Max break in after mommy changed the locks? Kid’s gotta learn a trade.
And 3. Have you ever had to burrow a hole to the Earth’s core through your basement? Shit’s fucking hard.

Photos: Splash News


  1. IttyBittyTittyCommittee

    worthless rat

  2. Casey

    That’s a good point…how come Christina is only with Max when she’s looking for a photo op?

  3. Hmm

    He seems like he might actually be a good dad.

  4. jojo

    He maybe concerned that she mistakes the child for a turducken and swallows him whole.

  5. Jordan Bratman Christina Aguilera
    Commented on this photo:

    actually seems like a good dad, despite resembling a mole.

  6. Jordan Bratman Christina Aguilera
    Commented on this photo:

    hes a cute kid though.

  7. kid looks cute. Christina defintely cheated on him.

  8. Photoshop Police

    Who cheated on who here?

    She doesn’t get to keep the house, just because she’s rich and famous.
    No wait… Yes she does.

    Nevermind. Carry on!

  9. Further evidence that mole people are not just born that way, but meticulously groomed for the job.

  10. DM

    Sad part is she’ll get custody even though it’s obvious who the kid is more attached too.

  11. Keyser Soze

    He might have gotten lucky marrying Xtina but she probably cheated on him and his life is probably falling apart around him. It would be pretty hard to keep your dignity in his situation, you don’t see him out with a bunch of other women which I’m sure he could get with all the money he is gonna get from the divorce. He looks like a good father, give the mole man a break with the jokes!

  12. abe vigoda's eyebrows

    I am sure he put some money into the house too- it’s not like she married some poor schlub. She seems like such a horrible mother right now, I think Max should be with Jordan!

    • Ayo

      Ya he probably contributed a few hundred dollars. Jordan Bratman was the producer Dallas Austin’s personal assistant. Not exactly rolling in the dough.

  13. Have they tried showing “Burlesque”?

  14. Mortimer Duke

    Jordan is obviously having a Jennifer Hudson/Holiday moment.

    Who knew Jewish molemen turned into needy Black women when it comes to vacating real estate?

  15. Seenbot

    you can’t feel sorry for him cuz he’s ugly. let’s assume 2 things, one he’s been takin advantage of before because he looks like a lost puppy without a chin, buts proll ‘has a great personality’ annnnnd let’s assume he’s got 12 inch schlong cuz the popular girl wanted to have sex with him for a good reasons and like all mole people he got her preggo cuz he prolly gonna get paid cuz he knew he cud make her look bad in the media (like right now) after she ditched him for not being pretty enough. also her pr knows what happens on the internet and porn industry when they find out a fit white girl with an amazing pair of vocal chords likes sleeping with black dudes so she prolly wasn’t allowed to keep it frisky while she isn’t doing anything productive. i mean 3 things.

  16. GravyLeg

    If I was him, I would wait until they gassed the burrow too.

  17. Nero

    This is just heartwarming and extreme cute …. ^^

  18. Rhialto

    The kid looks allright. I guess that Jordan Bratman is just doing his job being a father as best as he can.

  19. fap

    Yeah he’s def the woman in the relationship. Let him have the house for the sake of the child >:)

  20. wim

    this bopy “Jordan” was made with a flabby dick while looking at the “Muppet Show”, folks!

    ……so cristina did the reight thing.

  21. So, he lives in an 11.5 million dollar mansion, but looks like he should be asking me for a dollar…

    The world is a funny place.

  22. Amc

    He’s a good dad he dosen’t wanna leave his child with Christina she’s is acting foolish and I can see her going down the Brittney Spears route.

  23. michiez

    i feel bad for him poor guy got his heart broken.. me might be ugly but he must have a great personality if aguilera fell in love with him

  24. michiez


  25. critical thinking

    It’s bad enough that the guy is being treated as the bad guy when she’s the one philandering, but…

    1. Is ridiculing him for being a good dad.
    2. Accuses him of corrupting a minor while trying to maintain his claim on his half of a $11.5 million estate.

    Come on, people, he’s going to get screwed hard enough simply because he’s a guy in a divorce proceeding, there’s no need to libel him…

    Also, stop holding double-standards. If the roles were reversed, and the child’s mother had raised him from birth, while his big rock star dad was out having sexual relations with another woman, there would be no question as to the fact that the philandering father must leave, or the inappropriateness of bringing that other woman into the child’s home.

    But since mom is in a relationship with another man, the implicit statement of the article is that the father is obliged to quietly shirk away, leaving them and the child alone.

  26. Jordan Bratman Christina Aguilera
    Commented on this photo:

    he looks like a good father

  27. Jordan Bratman Christina Aguilera
    Commented on this photo:


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