Jordan Bratman Beat Christina Aguilera?

October 21st, 2010 // 36 Comments

If the fact that Hans Moleman here was having sex with Christina Aguilera hasn’t been hard enough to absorb, it turns out he might’ve also been beating her making him pretty much the perfect dream man. Or at least that’s what RadarOnline seems to be implying with this report on Christina’s trip to the hospital days before she announced their separation:

“Christina was bleeding from her mouth and had a bit of a busted lip,” a source, who saw the couple at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, said.
“Jordan told the nurses she had fallen down.”
According to the witness, Aguilera was sporting “bumps and red bruises” along with her bloodied lip.
“Shortly after they arrived to Cedars, Christina’s ‘private surgeon’ arrived to put a few stitches in her lip,” the source added.
Adding to the mystery of why the singer needed treatment, on October 12, she was photographed wearing a hat pulled down over her face with what appears to be a small cut below her lower lip.
That is the same day that she and Bratman announced the end of their five-year marriage, citing “irreconcilable differences.”

Even though this is exactly what the Mole-People want me to think, there’s no way in hell Jordan Bratman is our generation’s Ike Turner. Either Christina actually did fall down, or this was a one-time thing after she discovered the secret plans to the diamond drill he was building to penetrate the Earth’s core. In which case, I’ll assume they were in lowlight thus giving him the advantage. Damn their beady eyes!

Photos: Splash News


  1. Crabby Old Guy

    “Jordan Bratman Beat Christina Aguilera?”

    Well, heck, what heterosexual guy hasn’t beat off thinking about Christina Aguilera?

  2. Looking at this guy, I’d wager she was trying to cover up a failed suicide attempt.

  3. gogo

    This is outrageous. I’m talking to you, Crabby Old Guy.

  4. yikes

    Her private surgeon should be fired. She was smokin hot when she was 20 but now she is just gross.

  5. Sugar

    This is going to be the nastiest, ugliest divorce in a while. Well, since the Sheens anyway. Her camp is calling him a wife beater and his camp is calling her a cheating lesbian. Their son is going to have a wonderful life.

  6. Cock Dr

    Those are very serious allegations. Hope it’s not true.
    I much prefer the wife-gone-lesbian version of the breakup.

  7. Jordan Bratman and Christina Aguilera Abuse Allegations
    Pussy Galore
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve seen this girl before. She is TINY. Incredible to think that this guy would do such a thing. What a douche.

  8. This mole is no ike turner. Ike turner put out the first rock and roll record ever with jackie brenston (“rocket 88″, 1951–youtube it). He was a pioneer. But.. his bitch whore wife tina (rock n roll’s first yoko ono) got pregnant by the sax player, resulting in the band breaking up. Imho that was worth a good pop in the face.

    Now this mole douche may well have also been cheated on by someone named tina. Albeit with a dyke. So i see one parallel. But please dont compare him to ike. Ike was the most influencial musician since mozart.

    That said, when my wife cheated on me i just fucked her best friend. Figured id show some class not pummelling the bitch. Theres always another way to deal with it…

  9. grobpilot

    No-chin motherfucker.

  10. AtomicCoffee

    Once a month, Aguilera removes her makeup. It’s a brutal process, she has to have her husband (and now Samantha Ronson) help, and the following morning, she has to go to the Emergency Room. This has been going on for years, and now her lawyer is using it to disparage Bratman in this ugly divorce. It’s a shame.

    • cc

      I do wonder what the hell she’d look like without make up. That seems to be the thing with make up…if you pile on tons to hide a flaw, the skin underneath gets worse. Then more make up is required, and in a few years you have to chip it off with a cold chisel to get to the real skin. Still, I wouldn’t mind seeing her naked…you know, just to see.

  11. Jordan Bratman and Christina Aguilera Abuse Allegations
    Commented on this photo:

    From the looks of them it does look like she could take him out with one punch. Why would she hang out with such a pitiful little douchebag?

  12. Jordan Bratman and Christina Aguilera Abuse Allegations
    Rachel Corrie
    Commented on this photo:

    He looks like he probably calls her “Mommy.”

  13. Turd Ferguson

    So that’s why she looks like that? Makes sense.

  14. meme

    Oh so beating your wife is ok. Nice to know where you draw the line Fish.

  15. fester

    Keep yer chin up, Jordan. Oh I forgot, you don’t have one.
    Never mind.

  16. Deacon Jones

    Maybe he hit her because she told him he looks like a stereotypical Jew?

    Beady eyes, huge ears, nose, lips, recessed chin?

  17. Jordan Bratman beat anyone up? Look at him!!! Aguilera should be able to kick his scrawny whiney lookin ass.

  18. just the facts ma'am

    Are we all sure it was Bratman, and not Ronson, that may have split Christina’s lip. Seems to me everyone who gets near the “DJ to the stars” ends up getting some of their own blood spilled.

  19. Mike Walker

    More like our generation’s Joel Steinberg.

  20. Reginald T. Rockstrow

    geez…who cares? NO ONE is above an ass kicking if the circumstances support it.

    If half of you were as smart as you think you are, youd watch the animal planet/ nat geo to understand why things are the way they are with a lot of people. Were animals…its not that hard to figure out..and you shouldnt be shocked when things like this happen. Ever seen what a male lion does when the female doesnt get a point? EXACTLY…now STFU and get away biatch.

  21. antoine bugleboy

    altho i don’t condone violence against women – i’m pretty sure if i found out my wife was sleeping with another dude like samantha ronson i’d give her a pop in the face too.

  22. Jill

    Didn’t Lindsay’s people say Samantha was abusive toward her too?

  23. El Dukeh Picante

    Samantha Ronson must have an eight-inch clitoris

  24. Jordan Bratman and Christina Aguilera Abuse Allegations
    Tommy Lee's Cock
    Commented on this photo:

    Something tells me she probably would have deserved it.

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