Jonah Hill Is A Serious Actor Now And You Will Address Him As Such

Last week Will and Jaden Smith gave what had to be the most pretentious, high-on-their-own-farts interview of the year while promoting After Earth. Except here’s Jonah Hill who falls just a tad short of snatching the title, yet gives an impressive douchebag performance in Rolling Stone while promoting This Is The End. Keep in mind, the rest of the cast was asked the same questions to determine what it’d like to be holed up with them during the apocalypse, and all of them played along including James Franco who even showed up with a goddamn art book from Yale, yet still managed to come off as less self-important than Jonah Hill:

Things start out well:
Just to break the ice, we ask about his day, what he did this morning, what a typical Jonah Hill morning would be. He says one thing he does is ride the elliptical. We wonder how long he rides it for. He says he doesn’t know, maybe about 30 minutes. We ask if he does pushups and stuff like that or what?

He stiffens and says, “My workout routine is of little relevance.”

Alright, then…

This is not going to be easy. But, OK. Has he ever been in a fistfight?

“I fought a lot when I was younger. Some were good, some were bad. I don’t fight anymore, though. I’m an adult man,” he says, kind of laughing and sneering at the same time. “I use my words.”

Okay, that’s kind of a fair statement. Adults use adult words. Poop-face.

We press on. Rogen had told us about a line Hill didn’t want to say during the filming of This Is the End: “What we were saying to him was, ‘Tell God you’ll suck his dick if he kicks Jay out of the house.’ And I think he said it once, like, ‘God, I will suck your dick if you kill Jay.’ And we were like, ‘Say it again!’ And he was like, ‘I don’t want to do it again.'” We bring this up.

Hill looks off and very slowly says, “Seth and Evan are the most talented comedy writers at work today, and I have ultimate faith in them. But I’m a religious guy, I do believe in God and I’m Jewish, and I just couldn’t imagine being happy with that later in life. I just didn’t want to say it.”

So Jonah Hill is apparently religious now. And here’s where you feel the entire interview dive into a pissy bowl of piss. (See? Using my grown-up words.)

The waiter comes back, asks if we want a menu. Hill shakes his head. He evidently has no plans to eat here or even drink more than a glass of water. He’s slouching in his chair, stretching out his already stretched-out shirt. We can see the way this is heading and remind him that this is for our magazine’s weed issue and so – Well, he cuts us off right there. “I don’t even smoke weed,” he says, in such a pre-emptive, aggressive way that we figure he has heard about our little e-joint, so we decide to keep it hidden.

So maybe a nice fart question will break the question. Do you fart, now-an-adult Jonah Hill?

His eyes nearly jump out of their sockets. “I’m not answering that dumb question! I’m not that kind of person! Being in a funny movie doesn’t make me have to answer dumb questions. It has nothing to do with who I am.”

And here we go:

“I’ve done one of the biggest challenges you can do in Hollywood, which is transition from being a comedic actor to being a serious actor, and I’m really prideful of that,” he says. “I could have made a billion dollars doing every big comedy of the last 10 years and didn’t, in order to form a whole other life for myself. Now I have fulfillment doing both.”

But don’t call Jonah Hill angry. You won’t like him when he’s angry. Also, has he mentioned he’s an adult yet?

And then, if you remind him that Apatow once called him “angry, nerdy,” he’ll again make with the better-left-unexamined subtext and say, “Yeah, there was probably an angry time for me. But I couldn’t be a less angry person. Judd maybe thinks of himself that way. But I haven’t worked for him in five years. I adore him. But I’m fucking 29 years old and not some angry kid.”

“I’m not angry, okay? I’m fucking 29-years-old and am a serious fucking actor who’s just trying to get taken serious by not answering your dumb fucking questions. I’m completely fucking happy, alright? See? Look at me smile. That fucking smile worked with Tarantino, bitch.” – Jonah Hill, not angry

Photos: Getty