How Much Douche Is In Jonah Hill’s Canoe Today?

June 26th, 2013 // 73 Comments
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A few weeks back, Jonah Hill gave a pissy interview to Rolling Stone where he got shitty with the writer and wouldn’t shut up about how he’s a serious actor now and no one else has ever transitioned from comedy to drama in the history of acting before so fucking recognize. This earned him exactly the reaction you’d expect from the Internet, so he was a little more cordial for his latest interview with Bullett. Which actually portrays Jonah pretty flatteringly until you read these quotes they felt the need to cut, yet for some reason passed along to Salon:

“You can dis me all you want on a blog, or write whatever you want in this magazine and I’ll just be like, ‘Whatever, man. Scorsese thinks I’m awesome.’ [Laughs.] He hired me and didn’t fire me, so I can kind of not care now.”

And this one about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie coming to his birthday party which I like to believe many a penis were fellated so that it never saw the light of day because, wow, did you seriously just brag about Brangelina coming to your birthday? At least you didn’t mention Leo. Oh, wait:

When Brad [Pitt] and Angie [Jolie] came to my birthday party last year, I think that was pretty shocking to a lot of people because that was at a small bar, but my birthday party this year was at my house and, um, some of the guys from The Wolf of Wall Street came over. My friends weren’t like, ‘Oh my gosh! A famous person’s here.’ More than that, it was the actors there who were like, ‘Man, it’s so awesome how close you are with all these people who don’t give a fuck that you’re in movies or that anyone else is in movies.’ Because no one cared that Leo [DiCaprio] was there.

So after reading both of those outtakes, here’s an uncut excerpt from the interview which now seems even more ridiculous for a quote where Jonah Hill not only considers Andrew Garfield and Joseph Gordon-Levitt his contemporaries, but means that in the past tense because he’s up there with Clooney now, motherfucker. Blog that shit:

Hill insisted that he was the right choice to play Donnie Azoff, an amoral and hedonistic entrepreneur inspired in part by Danny Porush, who was incarcerated in the ’90s for a $200-million “pump and dump’’ stock fraud. The role called for Hill to change his voice, appearance, and thought process—to totally disengage from his own solid moral code. “Even though it’s about excess, it’s really about the darkness of money and greed and drugs and power,” Hill says. “I knew that I was being considered among a list of other actors, but not my contemporaries—Andrew Garfield or Joseph Gordon-Levitt—people who are usually up for the same stuff as me. I was hearing names like George Clooney.”

I always assumed there was some unspoken rule about celebrities name-dropping other celebrities, but that could just be a fantasy I had where Jonah Hill is stranded on a private island with a spear and a hungry lion for telling everyone he had a sleepover at Leonardo DiCaprio’s house and his mom totally let them drink in the basement while watching Skinemax. It was so awesome.

Photo: Bullett

superficial

  1. It's Always Sunny in Atlanta

    Ha – what a fucking douchenozzle. Sorry fatty – you’re not James Gandolfini. Stick to comedy.

  2. One time I totally ran into Brad Pitt’s brother at a gas station in Shitfield, MO. There was a head nod acknowledgement but we were both pretty cool about it.

    • Back when Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston were married, they owned a vacation home in a little shithole town near me. Late one night I went to the grocery store and there was Brad buying some wine, and signing autographs.

      The dude stank like a homeless person. I could smell him as soon as I walked in.

      true story. Not like that story about having a girlfriend who lives in Canada…you haven’t met her.

    • Lady Moustache

      One day I like really really ran into both Angie and Brad before they even dated…. we were all like in a VAN, down by the RIVER! (I also slept with River Phoenix AND his cousin, sisters, mother and I forget who else.

  3. BlinkyTheFish

    He talks like a high school kid who’s been accepted into the popular ranks and thinks he knows why. Why he hasn’t realized that it never lasts…oh, wait.

  4. Smapdi

    “disengage from his own solid moral code” – omg, hahahaha, who writes or even says shit like that? Even Jesus, Mohammed, and Buddha didn’t walk around saying they had a ‘solid moral code’. This guy’s head is so far up his own ass, his proctologist is going poke him in the eye during during a prostate exam.

  5. Who has birthday parties as an adult? Is that really a thing?

    • That’s the same thing I was thinking. The only birthday parties adults should have are surprise ones their friends planned in secret.

      • When my Bday rolls around, Marvel has been nice enough to release a superhero movie about the same time in May. I get baked and go to the movies with my sister and bro-in-law. End of birthday celebration.

      • I’m in the same both as you. BDay in early May go see a movie, maybe take a day off from work and catch up on some sleep or porn.

    • I just canceled my birthday one day and haven’t recognized it since. I was like “fuck this reminder that I am barreling towards death.” Saves my friends and family money and we all just pretend it’s another day.

    • Johnnyu

      Adults with friends who give a shit about them. That’s who.

      • Since my friends respect the fact that I’m generally a quiet person and don’t want to be the center of attention for 2-3 hours at a party, they aren’t my friends?

  6. Dick Fitzwell

    Only a total fucking loser reads a celebrity gossip blog and then thinks that they’re so much better then people you are reading about. Get a life. Jonah Hill has more money, and has taken down more hot LA Pu**y then you scrubs could ever possibly dream of. But yeah, he sucks because he thinks he’s a good actor.
    Good one guys

    • How can your pudgy fingers hit the individual keys to type that, Jonah? Did you get a dialing wand by mashing all the buttons?

    • Hey Dick,

      Recheck the url you went to, this one is TheSuperficial. It’s where normal shmucks like me, and others, come to weigh in on the douchebaggery that comes out of the mouths of “celebrities” like Jonah Hill.

      The point is that Jonah seemed to be a somewhat average dude who was in some reasonably funny movies at some time or another (Superbad, Knocked Up, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, et al) and after doing a serious role in Moneyball, has become so arrogant after overdosing on the smell his own farts long enough, he spouts things that we would expect out of, oh lets say, Gweneth Paltrow or Madonna. Our role, as the superficial public, is to bring him down a couple of notches, if only in our own minds.

      Oh, and by the way, how much money you have or how much pussy you can pull, in no way prevents you from becoming a douche. In fact it increases exponentially, normally, the more of either that you get.

    • Also, go do a google search and just put in the word “Jonah” and the first Jonah on the list is still that gay dude that has the largest penis in the world. Seriously.

    • I loved you in “40 Year Old Virgin”, Jonah!

    • BlinkyTheFish

      Yeah but it’s still Leo’s rejected/previously driven Hollywood Pussy. That’s probably a joke even in Hollywood. And Hill talks likes he’s Lukas Haas’ Leo bestie replacement. Dream on. Haas is still kicking around because he knows his place/keeps the lesser pussy from talking. Hill wants equal ranking which is never going to happen in LeoWorld.

    • EricLR

      Well, at least Jonah game himself the appropriate pseudonym “Dick.”

    • Tiny Dick Fitzwell in Zoo Animals

      Only a total fucking loser reads a celebrity gossip insult blog and then thinks that they’re so much better then people posting items. Get a life. Jonah Hill has more money than me, but I have taken down more hot LA C*ck then you scrubs could ever possibly dream of. But yeah, I sucks because I thinks I’m clever. Good one guys

    • I will always hold Jonah Hill close to my heart… circa 2006… sucking on fat stripper titties for 12 hours straight. For this reason, I will await to pass judgement on whether or not he truly lost his way, or just fame struck until he copes with his rising stardom. I’m pulling for dude, honestly. He is really talented. Like, really… he’s living the dream… anyone would have a momentary lapse to douchedom under the circumstances.

      • Hey, Fitzwell…you really need to open a dictionary and check out, amongst other things, the differences between “then” and “than.” Memorize them, and then come back to The Superficial after your seventeenth birthday.

      • He’ll be in 9th grade for the third time by then, and probably still won’t know the difference.

  7. johnny p!

    Does he have the same PR team as Paula Deen?

  8. busted

    dick fitzwell=jonah hill.

  9. Cmonster

    All the 20s make him someone? Maybe he should hit an ATM and redo it with 100s, like anyone with real clout would…

  10. Rob

    Back in the late 90′s I was in a parasailing accident and I fell through a glass ceiling and into the home of Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger.

  11. “I’m a serious actor. Look at all this weight I gained.”
    “What role is that for Jonah?”
    “Role?”

  12. EricLR

    “Scorsese thinks I’m awesome”

    No, Scorsese thinks he needs a recognizable names to get the greenlight for his movie. And you come pretty cheap as recognizable names go.

  13. anonymous

    Can’t wait for this retard’s career to end.

  14. ben

    In fairness, I hated Superbad and never really liked Hill to begin with, so I am not exactly impartial, but man, I fucking hate him now.

    “Birthday party, small bar, cool kids”…fuck off.

  15. rican

    Jonah Hill was great as the kid in Bad Santa.

  16. So, “Scorsese thinks I’m awesome” playing an amoral and hedonistic douche.

    Sounds to me like Scorsese interviewed him for the role and thought; “This kid doesn’t even need to walk across the street to be the biggest douche-bag in this town. Cast him!!”

  17. adm.fookbar

    Look, I admit I’m pretty out of touch, but this is the fat kid with the jewfro that was in Superbad, right?

    Right.

  18. I avoid every movie that has him or any of the Apatow crew in it and I have no regrets. Fuck this fat asshole. No talent and can’t act for shit.

  19. Fuck off, Jonah. It’s time to stop talking. Gwyneth Paltrow can get away with saying shit like this because we want to fuck her, you are just a fat fuck that got a few good roles.

  20. Also, if you have to name-drop other celebrities, are you really an A List celebrity? Are you even a celebrity at all?

  21. popwilleatitself

    I think this must be an elaborate schooling on the meaning of hubris.
    Next year it will be gratitude and humility.

  22. I actually thought he was kind of cute when he was fat, furry, and had glasses and longer curly hair. He looks boring now, and apparently making himself look worse by looking more generic has gone to his head.

  23. dennis

    Wow…this guy is such a name dropping douchebag that I think he pisses on his own salad for flavor.

    The only reason George Clooney wasn’t given a role over Jonah was because he was too busy talking A-list actresses to swim naked in his private fucking lake in Italy.

  24. Glin

    Oh dear. He still reacts with the emotions of a 15 year old. I feel bad for him.
    BTW, Joseph G Levitt will probably have something to say as he also takes himself far, far too seriously.

  25. Dr. Jones

    I think we’re looking at the fat, male, Amanda Bynes.

  26. Poor Jonah Hill apparently has some “I” problems: “I did this…” and “I did that…” To make things worse, he also suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder, which is easy to diagnose because HE’S AN ARROGANT FUCKING ASSHOLE!

  27. Jim

    In what fucking roles are they choosing between Andrew Garfield, JG Levitt and Jonah Fucking Hill? Was it that bicycle movie? Spider-man? The new Batman? Bullshit.

    “Look guys, it’s down to the wire on this. Do we go with either of the two brown-haired, fit and talented actors? Or do we go with Dumpy McChuckles and his Jew Fro? Fuck, Hollywood is an animal! Who can make choices like this?”

  28. Clark Kent

    Robin is gonna beat his fat ass for trying to insinuate that he’s in his league. Fat fuck has no talent.

  29. leila

    what an asshole. like most assholes, he isn’t very talented either. that’s probably the bigger sin. his best friends–you know, leo and brad and angelina–they have talent. and if they are assholes of this magnitude, they have the intelligence to hide it from the public. but i doubt it. the people who have “it” don’t need to keep talking about how awesome they are. this guy has marginal talent at best–most of his appeal was on his heavy shlepy persona–and an ego that is several thousand times the size of his brain power. i have zero interest in watching him in anything ever.

  30. Eric Cartman. Only not as lovable.

  31. Swearin

    What is it with this guy? Even if he rolls with DiCaprio now, he’s still the annoying fat friend they bring to make themselves look better. He’s basically the Turtle of any entourage he’s in.

  32. swg

    You guys don’t get it. He trying to pull the same thing of as Joaquin Phoenix.

    In 2 years he will tell everyone this was just a project.

    Joseph Gordon-Levitt: here’s a guy that went from (a good) comedy like third rock from the sun to “more serious acting”

  33. Isn’t this the same dick that got a kick out of and got caught filming a woman’s discarded placenta after giving birth in a public park? (Google it). I’ve had farts that were funnier than this goober. Stay classy, uber-douche!

  34. Tenacious MC

    No one’s ever transitioned from comedy to drama before in the history of acting? Um, Bill Murray and Jim Carrey come to mind.

    What a douchebag.

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