Don’t Let Jon Hamm Near Your Balls With A Hammer

We already know that Jon Hamm’s penis went to rehab for a drinking problem thanks to a life of depression after Jon Hamm’s penis’ mother died when he was only 10, and Jon Hamm’s penis went to live with Jon Hamm’s penis’ father who then also died. So if you’re wondering how you can have a huge cock and not think the world is your oyster, there you go. Which also probably explains why new court documents have surfaced of Jon Hamm’s penis being an asshole frat boy in college right around the time Jon Hamm’s penis’ dad died essentially making him an orphan. Or you can consider this an all-out war on other dicks to secure Jon Hamm’s penis supremacy. I can see how it reads that way. Via Radar:

The court documents claim that Hamm and his fellow Sigma Nu frat brothers struck a prospective pledge with a wooden paddle more than 30 times on that night. They also allegedly picked him up by his underwear and “pulled it back and forth in a sawing motion,” causing “great pain.” Hamm even set the pledge’s pants on fire, the documents claim, “and would not let [the pledge] extinguish the flame with his hand but made [him] blow it out.
Next, the documents claim, Hamm “hooked the claw of a hammer underneath [the pledge’s] genitals and led him by the hammer around the room.” He rounded out the night by breaking into the apartment of another pledge, the documents claim, “in order to bring [him] to the fraternity house” to subject him to “similar hazing activity.”

Jon Hamm’s penis and seven other frat members were charged with misdemeanor hazing and assault charges, and three of them actually went to jail, but not Jon Hamm’s penis who reached a plea deal because Jon Hamm’s penis would be a threat to the other prisoners. And while there’s absolutely zero evidence to support that last part, you and I both know in our hearts that’s what happened. There’d be shredded buttholes from here to Topeka, and you know who picks up the tab? The taxpayer.

Photo: Getty

Tags: Jon Hamm