Jon Gosselin’s Suing Kate For Custody Of The Sextuplets

“Oh, fuck, how am I going to make money?”
“Oh, fuck, why didn’t he take us?!”

In the aftermath of his daughters embarrassing the living shit out of his ex-wife on live television, Jon Gosselin apparently feels emboldened enough to sue for full custody of their sextuplets, just the sextuplets, on the grounds that Kate is a giant bitch. And, granted, I’m no lawyer, but that seems like a pretty solid tactic once you get past the, “Wait, what about the other two?” part. He should keep running with this. In Touch reports:

They live in fear of Kate,” Jon says in the new issue of In Touch, on newsstands now. “Every time I see them, they tell me they want to live with me.”
His twins’ appearance on the Today show was the last straw, Jon tells In Touch. He claims Kate violated their custody agreement by not giving him the option of watching the younger six kids when she took Mady and Cara out of Pennsylvania.
“First, I’m going to file for an emergency petition for contempt … The next step is to fight for custody,” says Jon, who adds that he will file as soon as he saves enough money for lawyers and paperwork fees. “It’s the only way I can protect the younger six.”

When reached for comment, the Gosselin sextuplets whispered, “The monster… it hears your thoughts…” before retreating to a crawlspace armed with wooden spoons and makeshift spears. It’s been said they can live up to three months in there before finding themselves susceptible to promises of chocolate milk which unconfirmed reports claim is how Joel died. I’m just telling you what I heard.

Photos: Splash News