Johnny Depp is your Sexiest Man Alive

November 18th, 2009 // 64 Comments

After a fake Robert Pattinson cover made the rounds yesterday, People has officially named Johnny Depp as their 2009 Sexiest Man Alive only to honor him with the least attractive photo they could take of him. Unless bland middle-aged hipster is this year’s smelly vampire kid. I can never keep up with these trends.

Photos: People, Getty

  1. nADA

    Couldn’t say it better than you just did. Honour him with the worst photo indeed!

    Shave your face for a day for God’s SAKE!!!!!!!!!!

    Love this blog, and I’m a nazi feminist, so that’s really saying something about how funny you are… or is it?

  2. tuhnu

    I thought I was :/

  3. Ann

    Good call on the pic. I was looking at it and thinking, “WTF? Nice pic…” and then got to the “least attractive photo” part of your text. People blows.

  4. Crabby Old Guy

    Damn Fish – thought this was gonna finally be YOUR year.


  5. what is this? the throwback edition?

  6. Betty

    My friend recommended me a very interesting place ****** ****** It’s where wealthy singles looking for someone to enjoy their wealthy lifestyle with.

  7. Rough don't dance

    Well I dont know about all that, but JD is a great actor…

  8. edie

    I’m so glad that it wasn’t rpatts. Johnny at least has some talent.

  9. Hiya

    He is a beautiful, cool person. I am so sick of the over airbrushing, lets see what hot really is. Pratz or whatever his name is is just skanky looking. Of course I am not a teenage girl, thank God!

  10. Edward Scissorhands

    Thank science it wasn’t RPattz. They couldn’t have made a better choice; Johnny is hot (obviously), a good actor, humble and down to earth.

  11. KIKI

    Why do beautiful men try to uglify themselves, but ugly women swing so far the other way trying to be beautiful?

  12. mandiesaurusrex

    thank god it wasnt twilight boy. i would’ve raised hell…

  13. Jrz

    I think I just heard Pinky_Nip scream in ecstasy all the way across the country.

  14. p0nk

    ‘sexy’ is fine and all, but i wish he’d take his mexican blanket and shopping cart and move out of the god damn intersection. God bless you too, buddy, now get the fuck out of the road. No, you can’t have any of my spare change.

  15. mandiesaurusrex

    personally, i do think johnny depp looks sexy (not in this picture)…but i think a lot of what makes him “sexiest guy alive” is his talent. he’s played so many big roles, and yet he never gets typecasted. every new movie, he’s a new character, and you don’t think about him as other characters in past movies. i cant say for sure since i dont personally know him (wish i did), but he seems like a pretty real, stand up guy too. but that picture was a bad choice…

  16. yow

    He’s hotter than Rob….
    He was f*cking gorgeous in Cry Baby, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape….

  17. Agnes Peabody

    @ 15. P0nk, don’t be jealous! You must be fat/ugly! (how do you guys like it?)

  18. Napoleon

    I love Johnny Depp, but Rpatz is my choice. Not because he’s good looking (which he is) and not really because of his acting (cause Edward sucked) but because of his personality, charm and sweetness. He really is down to earth, funny, sweet and not arrogant at all. It’s not because of the hype that Twilightfans created over Patz, cause i would like him the same if he hadn’t done Twilight. I just wouldn’t have had the chance to notice him, cause he did indi movies untill now.

  19. Taz

    Ahh Johnny. He has got the most perfect chiseled face ever to have walked the earth.

  20. p0nk

    Agnes Peabrain,

    not only am i fat and ugly, but i’m also old. although, i’m not sure what that has to do with anything. This site is called The Superficial. if you can’t handle your fantasy man being snarked on, you might be at the wrong site.

  21. silly Lilly

    19 i agree, but it’s because Robert is young. Johnny used to be hot back in his day though. Now he’s old and Robert is the next pretty young thing!

  22. Agnes Peabody

    @ 21. I guess all those years of experience did not teach you that sarcasm is always a factor on celeb websites pUnk.

  23. moxie troubles

    And with a flick of Photoshop, Johnny Depp turns into Mickey Rourke.
    grrrrreat airbrushing People.

  24. e-rock

    Wow, that really is the worst picture I have ever seen of him!!! WHAT THE HELL WERE THEY THINKING?? Not that I disagree he is pretty damn hot, but the who the hell took this picture? the cookie monster? His daughter?

  25. lin

    I don’t hate the guy, I just think it’s a terribly unoriginal choice. Next year George Clooney and after that Brad Pitt? Come on. There are other celebrities out there.

  26. Duke Nukem

    Who is this judged by, middle-aged women at People?

  27. jesse

    Jd is an old piece of shit he doesnt deserve it. robert all the way!!

  28. Amy Winehouse's ass hair

    THIS is the first relevant actor you guys at The Superficial have posted about.

    Normally we get upcoming Oscar winners and humanitarins like Linsay “who cares about you, just die already” Lohan and Paris “I look like a premature retarded chicken in an incubator and I’m a waste of skin” Hilton.

  29. Suzie

    LOVE HIM!!! Thank you fish!!

  30. Jenna

    I was wondering why my vagina’s been crying hysterically for a week straight. It must be true. Time to sew my cooter shut.

  31. He's cool

    Picture #4 is the picture. Johnny has the coolness that Bogart also had.

  32. lady jesus

    The sexiest man alive is 40+ year old Johnny Depp? Come the fuck on. It’s retarded how these lists always have the same 10 male celebrities. Brad Pitt stopped being even remotely hot a long time ago (think back to when he was with Jen). And it doesn’t help that he insists on sporting the most unflattering facial hair.

    Is Jake Gyllenhal somehwere in there too? Ryan Reynolds? I mean, these guys won’t warrant a second (or first ) glance if they were just regular guys walking down the street. We definitely need more young blood in Hollywood. Too bad that a lot of the newcomers (Pattinson and Zac Efron) are total pansies.

  33. Joey

    this man helped me reach puberty

  34. i hate people

    wtf, why would they choose that picture? that is the worst pic of him ive ever seen!!!!!

  35. Sorry to tell you...

    @ 33 Lady… Men get sexier as they age. Look at Leo DiCaprio. If the twifags keep on acting and becoming better actors, maybe someday they will be on the same level as Depp, Pitt and Clooney, all who have been voted sexiest twice.

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  37. gotmilk?

    People voted clooney sexiest guy, therefore i can’t take anything they say serious. Whoever votes for this shit must have already gone through menopause. Jonny Depp isn’t bad, but some of the other guys: Ryan Renolds, Nick Cannon?!? No fucking way.

  38. EricLR

    Someone over at People typed “Craziest Man Alive” and somehow the spell-checker changed it.

  39. sheana

    oh yeeeesssss…. he is all that indeed! thanks for the best post of the year fish! took you long enough ;)

  40. wosh

    It should have been Adrian Brody!!

  41. Courtyardpigeon

    I had the pleasure of hanging out with Johnny in Toronto. Let me tell you guys something from someone who knows. You have no idea how little and unimportant of a man you are until you walk down the street with Johnny Depp. Trust me.

  42. soahc


    You’re a dumb bitch.


    The Underground Resistance

  43. Osakasushi

    #41 is right!
    Adrien Brody is one sexy motherfucker…

    But definitely Depp over RPattz any day, you twifags can start having a say when you get out of high school in five or six years…

  44. Jennyjenjen

    Who is this “Agnes Peabody” and why is she so annoying?

  45. Butt Plugz

    I will tell you who Agnes Peabody is. It is the devil himself.

  46. mikka!!

    yes he is the sexiest man in earth !!! but ryan is so hot!!

  47. :O

    Wow #42, how did you meet him? What was he like?

  48. Brooke

    I’m so glad that Johnny Depp got Sexiest Man Alive this year. He is one of the best actors of this generation, his talent is just A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. Sometimes he looks a bit scruffy, but who cares, he’s hot. The photo though, is not so great of him. I’m glad Robert Pattison didn’t get it either, not b/c I hate the kid or anything but b/c I’m sick of all the tweens loving him only b/c he played Edward in Twilight. He’s just an average actor, he’s cute I guess, but sexy? No, he’s not there yet.

  49. Laura

    i’m still a teen and i totally dig depp, clooney, pitt and dicaprio as they get older. a few years back i still fancied sean connery, and he’s positively ancient… jake gyllenhaal is sort of awesome too. i do like him younger as well, he’s a bit of an exception.

    twilight idiot and high school imbecile can go wank.

    #43, totally!

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