Johnny Depp is okay, I guess

December 4th, 2007 // 143 Comments

This one’s for you, ladies. Here’s Johnny Depp at the premiere of Sweeney Todd at the Zeigfeld Theater in New York City. I don’t see why women find him so attractive. Sure he’s rich, talented and has solid steel abs I could use for some blacksmithing. What do you mean that sounds a little gay? I’m only saying I’d pound out my red-hot broadsword on his abs instead of the traditional anvil. Then I’d go wrestle a dragon or something. I’m pretty sure that’s the most heterosexual and medieval mental picture I’ll ever paint in my entire life. A cowboy with ass-less chaps and a moustache wants to give me a high-five. That’s how straight it is.

NOTE: I also added pictures of Keith Richards because women freaking love him. Like this chick who seems to be having a ball carting his surprisingly alive carcass around.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Pacific Coast News

  1. Another One Who Loves Johny Depp

    “and to all the girls posting messages about how hot johnny depp is: get a life, would you?”

    We’re just imitating men drooling over Jessica Alba. Oh, except that Johnny Depp doesn’t have genital herpes.

  2. Lys

    To all those poor men who feel a bit less attractive by our comments on johnny hotness, i have something to tell you : SWEEEEEEETTTTTTTT REVENGE

  3. redsonja1313

    Count me in the category of women who love Keith too !!! Would definitily be the meat in a Johnny / Keith sandwich !!! and the lovely lady is his kid. He has two girls with Patty Hansen…both stunning and 2 from a previous relationship with Anita Pallenberg, Marlon (very handsome & Dandelion_who is handicapped and I have never seen a picture of her ever, but she is said to reside with Keith’s Mom in England and is probably 35-40 now)

  4. Lys

    I don’t see any men in the ”so freaking hot” section of this page. Strange….

  5. He had a profile at which is a niche interracial dating site. He sent mail winks to sexy girls there.

  6. Sofia

    the blond girl with Keith Richards is his daughter. Johnny looks like Jack White- still cool but a little “trying too hard” I liked the grungy Johnny better…

  7. #54 what about the robot? It definitely looks male…

  8. Malffy Hernandes

    Keith Richards looks like Death’s fart

  9. Lys

    so does Amy Winehouse, but she’s not a male…

  10. RichPort

    #35 – 36 – Diarrhea of the keyboard much? I mean really, I got two lines into that (much like Keith Richards) and all I really heard was nag nag nag nag nag nag… go iron a fucking shirt you bon bon addict. And why do chicks use terms like ‘cocksucker’ to attempt to emasculate men? Empower yourself you baby machine! Call me a muff diver or titty licker or something more gender appropriate. I really need to keep my wife off of this site. Now, when I get home honey, my dinner better be made, my shoes better be shined, and you better wash the lipstick stain off my boxers without opening your piehole… unless you’re ready to give me my nightly knobslob.

  11. Lys


    I hope you’ll enjoy your auto-handjob tonight. And ”chicks” doesn’t use terms like cocksucker to attempt to emasculate men. Everybody use it. And aren’t you excising me with you comments?

    But I know that you are just another angry teenager who needs to provoke to get attention. Your insignificance is such a pain in the ass that you would say or do anything to look cool. Even sucking cock.

  12. A Woman And Absolutely Loving It



    If I feel like having wild sex with a stranger, all I need to do is go to a bar, find a good looking man, and ask.
    I get a lot things, including expensive ones that I’ll never waste my own money on, for free.
    I eat at fancy restaurants for free.
    I see nice shows for free.

    In the mean time, since most of my spending have been taken care of by men, I’m saving all my money so that when I can no longer have them buy me things, I’ll be all set financially and just travel around the world.

    Oh, yes, I definitely can live with it.

    When was the last time you had wild sex with a good looking girl you just met and had her pay for your drinks at least?

  13. Karin

    I would love to toss his salad.

  14. DEPP

    He is very great man, I like him so much. I saw that he is in the top 50 men list of He should be the TOP1 in my mind. And i heard that he appeared on a millionaire&celebrity dating club with a personal account there. Is it real or just a rumor on internet?

  15. I Love You Granada

    #46 – LOL

    If Keith Richards looked like RichPort before, then yes, #1 is right.

    BTW, RichPort, how come you don’t call yourself “DickPort”?

  16. Hey Lys, I just realized we were typing bathwater/douche water at the same time!
    Ah, great minds think alike..

  17. TheTenia

    Depps ridiculous cockney accent needs to be sunk with his pirate ship.
    He’s an okay actor at best. Stick to posting trainwrecks for us to make fun of.

  18. TheTenia

    Oh yeah #62 unless you’re actually SHOWING some proof about this lavish lifestyle men give you, it’s bullshit. Either way it’s pathetic to brag about being a leech.

  19. What's Your Education, TheTenia?


    A leech, my dear, sucks your blood without your approval. Whereas I am offered, and often reject, such offers.

    The intention of that comment, sweetie, was not to brag, but that women’s lives, especially with respect to sex, are often better than men’s, unlike what #1 alleges.

  20. TheTenia

    I didn’t read #1′s comment, or really care. A leech or more exactly a parasite takes, and gives nothing of importance.It was a brag, a boast. Which, in case you didn’t know, usually is done when you are proud of something. I’ve worked for the things I have, so has my wife. Doesn’t it belittle women more to play to a silly stereotype about the “kept woman”. Especially since no one actually believes you anyway. Of course I’ll toss that question to any of the other ladies reading, would you either :

    A. Have a daughter who is educated and makes her own way in the world, asking nor taking anything from anyone, or…

    B. Have a daughter who fucks, or alludes she may possibly fuck, sad lonely men for what she can get and then post on message boards about it.

    I’m most curious about what the answer will be.

  21. xxraymama

    #44 you are sooo right.
    Thanks Fish, for the early Christmas present.
    I would like to rip that suit and tie right off him with my teeth and just eat him right up. Keith can watch too, I don’t care…… yum…..

  22. Educated and Therefore Happy and Self Sufficient


    I have an MS degree in computer science and, in case you didn’t know, therefore make a typical six figure salary in IT with that background. I make my own way in the world and have NEVER asked anything from anyone.

    I only spend time with smart men who will therefore run away if I ever ask them for anything. But because they know I don’t NEED any man to support me financially to have a good living, they GIVE me things without me EVER asking for it. I have ALWAYS clarified to my male friends that I will never accept any of their gifts if they expect any physical favor from me in return. But they still do. I have never fucked any man I am not attracted to. And there are very few men I find attractive. This is why successful men who know me appreciate me because they know that they will never be able to fuck me with their money. That is why I get marriage proposals, not invitations to be a kept woman.

    I wish #1 realize how much luckier it is to be a woman, especially an educated one, in this country. That was why I wrote that comment. If I have a daughter, I will do my best so that she will have at least as good education as I have and have at least a financially secure job as I do. However, if a man offers to take care of her, why not? Just don’t prostitute herself for it.

    If you have a successful daughter, would you mind if men appreciate her and take care of her without her having to do anything back for them?


  24. TheTenia

    I’m saving all my money so that when I can no longer have them buy me things, I’ll be all set financially and just travel around the world

    Okay that comment is from you #72. You “have men buy me things” Now either you USE guys to get things you are too cheap or poor to buy or you don’t.

    RELATIONSHIPS are not about “getting men to buy me things” I hope you realize that. Reading #1′s comment I see that he is basically being an ass and trying to stir things up, but ironically you prove him right. As long as women
    out there believe that it is okay to use their sexuality to get things, then ugly old
    men will always get laid. When you are old and as ugly as Keith Richards, will
    YOU be able to buy that hot sex you described? Doubtful. Anyway you go from
    bragging about sugar daddies to bragging about your IT job.

    Well my old Roommate was an MCSE and knew how to work in several platforms and he did well to get 60k a year. Not really 6 figures but maybe
    one of your um…FRIENDS employs you.

  25. RichPort

    I swear you people are so easy. I leave this site for a few months and it’s suddenly a fucking Mensa recruitment tool. Hilarious… actually not really. I was hoping for funny, but got you chicks instead. #74 is closer to the mark than the rest of you, except it’s not called being an ass, toots. It’s an attempt at humor. Better than writing “first” if you ask me. That and everyone keeps calling me #1. Just like most of your mothers do. But at least TheTenia doesn’t try to be clever with the every changing name trick. Nifty job Ms “Educated and Therefore Happy and Self Sufficient”. You must be nearly unemployable in the IT field. And old, ugly, and unpretty.

    DickPort? Did you write that all by yourself? You people really are new here.

  26. Did I Hit A Nerve with Your Household Income or Something?


    I won’t respond anymore after this because of your useless pattern of communication: you ask questions with wrong assumptions but when I merely give you the correct, actual answers that you have asked for you say I brag.

    Like I said, I “have men buy me things” without me EVER asking for them. (Hopefully) just like when your wife buys you gifts. But since I have many successful friends, I get a lot of those. If you have more successful friends, I’m sure they’ll do that to you too if you’re not an asshole like in this communication.

    Like I said, I don’t fuck men I don’t find attractive, and therefore I don’t fuck ugly old men. Sugar daddies require physical favors in return. I don’t do such favors. “Daddies” also imply men old enough to be my father. I don’t hang out with men that age.

    I don’t brag about my IT job – I simply corrected your assumption that I need to get fucked to earn a living. As for your roommate – ask him to get experience in J2EE or .NET so he can make that typical 6 figure salary at least. You can ask him to research this on so many IT job sites. I sure hope he is not as dumb as you because if so, then yes, he’ll probably have to have his friends employ him to be able to make decent money in IT.

    As with hot sex, I’m a woman, not a man. I doubt I’ll need hot sex when I’m old, unlike men. So I won’t worry about that when I’m old and wrinkly.

  27. TheTenia

    Obviously I hit a nerve.

    76# You’re not IN a relationship. Period. I have a wife that I love that I want to do things for, she feels the same. You, CLAIM to have some collection of hanger on slobs that buy you purses. Big difference. What firm do you work for? Show some pictures of yourself with these gifts, till then it’s talk. Sad talk.
    Does it matter how much you make? Or what someone buys you? I have yet to meet a single person in my life that owned an object that made them a better person. Why not just admit you’re shallow and weak and can’t form loving relationships because you confuse them with materialism? Honesty I can respect. Anyway, you’re done.

  28. TheTenia

    P.S. The reason she WON’T say where she works is , A. it’s a low wage office cubicle job. She has her Bus./Adm degree, the same degree most women get. (It takes the least time in college to get,that and veterinary medicine) And of course she is ashamed of these comments. If her boss saw them…FIRED.

  29. Beastman AIDS

    Bravo! Your a whore! :D

  30. E.

    The girl is Keith Richard’s daughter, Theodora…seems like that would’ve been obvious….guess not. Thankfully she looks like her mother.

  31. Wowee..

    Damn, the comments on this site always go so screwy and haywire.

    Johnny Depp is delicious. He may keep the same grungy look, but hey, how many of US constantly change our looks? It works for him, and he always looks different in whatever movie he’s in. I think Secret Window is the only one where he looks similar to his non-movie appearance, and that fit the character pretty well.

    One thing I will say, Superficial Guy, is that Johnny Depp does NOT have rock hard abs. You would probably flay him alive with your sword. Did you see Pirates 3? Shirtless and quite chubby. I think it’s fabulous. He doesn’t feel pressure to keep a tight superbod because HE CAN ACTUALLY ACT.

    And I agree, more mancandy on this site. Maybe there needs to be a

  32. how come i dont see he’s hot?

  33. Hecubus

    He’s so fucking beautiful it hurts and I’m allowed to say that because he looks like a girl.

  34. toya

    haw-haw, i just heard a slur that he was pampered by a rich woman who he met on where rich women find their sugar babies.

  35. wason smith

    So cool a guy .I heard from my friends that he have given a performance in a matrimonial site is so pity that i miss the game .

  36. Choocher

    I hope Keef’s daughter saw Weekend at Bernie’s 2, so she knows not to let his wig catch fire when she’s got him strapped to the mike stand for the Stones’ next gig. Mick and Ronnie are getting on, too – it’s tough walking the corpse off stage after a one hour set.

  37. greenmeatattack

    That’s my husband <3

  38. Laudanum

    *growls* I would do ANYTHING for Johnny Depp, he is so hot it’s just unbelieveable! *passes out*
    He was THE sexiest in The Ninth Gate, mmmmm.

  39. woodhorse

    HEY RICHPORT: How much money does your wife make off of you? (That’s a “do you still beat your wife” question…)

  40. p

    i’ve never been a groupie or a crazy fan but I might go a lil wild over Johnny if I ever saw him in real life

  41. cookie monsta

    for fuck’s sake mr fish, who woulda thought puttin’ in a pic of his incredible hotness j.depp would inspire such intriguing conversation……..were the pics of that other old fart (k.richards – “any relation d?) to cool the overheated people down ?????

  42. spevey

    The man’s over 40 everyone, i think we can safely stop calling him ‘Johnny’.

  43. RichPort

    HEY WOODHORSE: My wife outearns me. And still cleans my boxers with her toothbrush.

  44. sindiva

    Richport is trying to rile you up, you silly tarts!!!!

    Think of him as the annoying little brother that tried to get your attention when at a friends house. He’s harmless and his comments are trite.


    and by troll I mean: a guy who obviously is pussywhipped in RL. :D

  45. barge

    JD has the grossest, scraggliest mustache i’ve seen an adult man sport in a long time.

  46. RichPort

    #94 – sindiva is it? Hi. How are you this morning? Feeling good I hope? Excellent. Trite? Was that on your word of the day toilet paper? That’s cute. I’m hardly a troll tootsie pop. I’ve been on hiatus waiting for the funny to come back to the comment section here. Something’s gotta motvate you nuthuggers from your “Oh she’s SO not fat” and “Mr Fish, you’re mean to women” shtick. The originality being displayed in the last few threads, with a few exceptions is just sad. And anyone that names themselves “sindiva” is probably single and lonely. And best friends with a battery operated coochie buzzer.

  47. fergernauster

    The color bar to the right is a pretty shade of cranberry. So festive!

    You guys are numb-nuts.

  48. Mystress Jade

    Ease up girls…..I have been reading RIchPort’s comments for at least a year or more (minus a few months) and it’s always been in fun. I have never been offended, and in fact, enjoy his comments more than most.

    RichPort, your my Johnny Depp!

  49. Are you Kidding Me?

    I am not sure why anyone’s panties are in a bunch. The “girls” on here are a tad bit pathetic and immature. To stick up for females and proclaim you are a whore or a money grubbing skank, does not impress anyone. You can claim you make a million dollars nobody is going to believe someone that admits they prostitute themselves out to get “men to take care of them”. You are the reason men degrade women.

    I am a female and I am not offended by any comments and I think it’s really immature to think that people on a site that bash celebrites would do anything other then joke around, bash, and have fun. Get a clue. The name of the site is superficial…that should have been your first clue that it’s all about appearances. So go ahead…have fun and continue to bash and let the little girls go back to the kiddie pool so their little feelings don’t get hurt.

    Oh and Johnny is HOT!

  50. Anyway

    Hey, guys have a right to be total assholes. That’s why they hide behind their keyboards, wiping their snotty noses and seal-bark laughing about farts —because some are LEWD and have the brain size of squirrels. Move on, and find some women to talk to if you really want to have an intelligent conversation. It’s like poking a turd for a Cheerio.

    Now, on to this…. Johnny Depp — dirty loser. I wouldn’t pick him up on the side of the road even if the entire population had been blown up.

    And I just threw up in my mouth over Keith Richards. When he’s dead, he’ll look more alive then this. Shit.

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