Johnny Lewis Was A Scientologist

Or was I? XENU MIND-GAZE ACTIVATE. You too, blondie.”
“Right! Neeeeeeeeooooooooowahhhh…

Yesterday, the Internet learned that Johnny Lewis, the dude best known for being in two seasons of Sons of Anarchy and then getting killed off after having “creative differences,” randomly murdered his 81-year-old landlord and dismembered her cat before falling off a roof and dying all while high on PCP and/or meth. Which makes all kinds of sense now because it turns out he was a Scientologist and everyone knows cat’s armpits hold the juiciest Thetans. Or am I thinking about men’s penises? Anyway, after apparently forgetting he was one of theirs, the Church of Scientology like any good religion inconvenienced by facts and reality, immediately began erasing all evidence of Johnny’s involvement with the church, most notably the fact he was touted as a successful result of Narconon, their space-age drug rehabilitation program that I’ll just assume involves being chained in an engine room to dry out for four months. TMZ reports:

In 2004, Johnny is seen (above) speaking at a substance abuse prevention event in the O.C. on behalf of Narconon. The reason Johnny spoke was because he was in a new show, “Quintuplets,” and Scientology posted on its website that Johnny’s mother used the principles of Narconon to keep him off drugs, and it worked.
Ironically, it didn’t work because — as we reported — Johnny was in rehab this year (not Narconon) and eyewitnesses say he was clearly on drugs at the time of the murder.
Interestingly … after we contacted Scientology about this story, they removed the photo of Johnny from all of their websites as well as the story about his appearance at the O.C. drug abuse event.

Of course, the most likely scenario was after Johnny brought his then-girlfriend Katy Perry into a Scientology center he was immediately ex-communicated and labeled a suppressive person for violating Starfleet Directive 626 which explicitly states “all church members must maintain a minimal titty environment in communal centers at all times to prevent nipple rays from inflicting Supreme Chancellor Cruise with their toxic space spores thus clouding his ability to wield the Sword of Omens in the final battle against Darth Vader.” – Book of L. Ron, Chapter 6 Verse Watch, These People Will Believe Anything, It’s Fucking Hilarious.

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, FameFlynet, Splash News