Johnny Depp Is Definitely Single

January 18th, 2012 // 25 Comments
Don't Rape Me, Bro
Johnny Depp
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A few weeks back we posted that Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis were calling it quits, but like anything we post, it could’ve very easily been complete bullshit. I probably would’ve guaranteed it. Except now PEOPLE‘s running with their break-up on its cover, so there’s really never been a better time for anyone in LA with a vagina and access to heroin:

Depp, 48, and Paradis, 39, who are parents to Lily-Rose, 12, and Jack, 9, have not appeared side-by-side on a red carpet for more than a year. Multiple sources tell PEOPLE in this week’s cover story that the relationship is all but officially finished.
In fact, some in their circle say the couple of nearly 14 years have already split. Says one insider: “It’s so sad.”

In before someone says it’s all Angelina Jolie‘s fault: I saw them stealing children on a pirate ship until Brad Pitt caught them and she broke his fucking leg I WIN!

Photos: People, Bauer-Griffin, Getty, INFdaily

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  1. MILF

    Stinky or not, I’d totally hit it.

  2. Evil Dick Tater

    Don’t cry Johnny, Paula Deen will still sugar your churro. Oh wait…

  3. I’m sure the market for guys born in Kentucky who speak with a slurred British accent is wide open.

    • Richard McBeef

      fucking shit. i pretty much had that cornered until johnny had to come and lay a big shit down across it.

  4. Rumour has it he’s moving in with Snoopy until things blow over.

      • grace

        Isn’t it hard to type with the other hand?
        There’s a reason babes like Johnny get laid, get a beautiful, talented wife and have a happy family life and are loved by everyone so are rewarded with success, while you don’t get invited anywhere. It’s called not being a douche. Fortunately your lack of attractiveness means your reproductive years have been spent trashing real men from your cybercave and there will be less of your species as the years go and more of Johnny’s. Evolution Working For America.

  5. private part

    F this piece of shit. He is obviously one of the “1%ers” who just relish it, and love to rub elbows with the corrupt power elite.

    http://www.thenewamerican.com/usnews/politics/10507-president-obama-mad-as-a-hatter-for-throwing-lavish-halloween-party

    Our leaders fiddle while Rome burns, and Depp is there as a jester.

    • Felonious Monkey

      Get off the site, you fucking piece of shit with your right-wing propaganda. Bush & the Republican party are what’s wrong with the country. We had an idiot brain-damaged cowboy puppet for 8 years and you blame Obama? Sorry to hear about your complex regarding your small private part. Go and jerk off to Faux News, if you can still get it up!

      • private part

        Struck a nerve, eh FM?? Sorry you can’t handle the truth. You obviously ENJOY being in the dark.

        NOthing in my post praised the previous puppet regime. And I don’t have cable or dish, so I wouldn’t be able to tell you if Faux News even reported the story. I’m guessing not. They’re covering for our current puppet leader just like the rest of the garbage “news” outlets on the tube.

        Wake up, toolbag.

      • private part

        While we’re on the subject, how do you feel about your beloved king sending 30,000 MORE TROOPS TO AFGHANISTAN? Or how about the buildup in Kuwait, and almost 10,000 troops being sent to Israel in preparation for strikes on Iran? How about the “proxy war” in Libya? Or the ‘FAST AND FURIOUS’ program (started under Bush, continued under Obama) of giving weapons to Mexican drug cartels under the guise of “tracking” them?? Didn’t even KNOW about any of that, did you? Yet, it’s there. Look it up.

  6. Miss Pepper

    Too bad… They looked like a solid and happy couple.

  7. Why did he stay with that ugly fucking skank for this long?

    • Phil Collins

      one day you will learn that beauty is skin deep, you shallow cunt

    • And anyway, did you SEE pictures of her when she was young? She was amazing-looking. Now she’s kind of quirky.

      • grace

        She’s better looking still than women half her age and Johnny is a woman lover and loves her for her whole package. You know, like a real man. That’s why he tries to keep it together with her, he is a good man. It’s not all about how a woman looks, it is what she means to a man. Johnny’s not a sexist piece of shit like some of these other losersso I hope they work it out. If not he knows where to find me.:)

  8. Johnny Depp People Cover
    BAHAH
    Commented on this photo:

    JOHNNY, NO :(

  9. doctor snuggles

    what’s his problem?
    …………boy’s enough!!

    (he has a whisker already)

  10. Blech

    Paula Deen’s got a health crisis going, huh. She’s Africa now?

  11. Johnny Depp People Cover
    ZEBRAS
    Commented on this photo:

    FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!! >:D

  12. My heart breaks for Johnny. I noticed most here have a different opinion and that is respectable. As a single mom, I know how hard it can be. When children are involved, everything changes. I wish him the best, I truly do. I have loved all of his movies. He is a wonderful actor and a model father. If only I could make him see it isn’t the end of the road.
    Chin up! Savvy?

  13. Johnny Depp People Cover
    haha!
    Commented on this photo:

    SEXY!!!!!!!!!!!!

  14. Megan Vanderhoff

    I can only hope they will work things out, don’t know what went wrong. I guess Johnny’s big career got in the way… that sometimes ruins it. Not much time to spend with his family. well no matter what, you must always look for hope. I love you Johnny, don’t give up, you must fight for what you want. Remember, your compass may not point north, but it always points in the direction you want most. :)

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