Johnny Depp Banged An Olsen Twin, Is Gonna Die

March 22nd, 2012 // 34 Comments
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Posted by Photo Boy

It wasn’t long ago that the world was robbed of an amazing actor at the hands of muppet vagina – Easy, Jason Segel. – so we should all be alarmed not only by my irresponsible comparison of Heath Ledger (awesome) and Johnny Depp (used to be awesome), but also by a recent report that Depp may have nailed one of the Olsen Twins. Via inTouch:

It turns out the star, 48, was secretly leaving 23-years younger Ashley’s loft after a sneak slumber party. Arriving in the afternoon of February 26, Johnny hunkered down in Ashley’s Tribeca digs until noon the next day — nearly 24 hours later.

The report goes on to say that he was only leaving a building next to Ashley’s apartment building, so really it proves nothing except the Olsen twins are either drug dealers or consigners of Civil War-Era/Railroad uniform/gypsy healer clothing that’s been damaged by fire. Honest to God, this guy’s worth a zillion dollars but he looks like he smells like week old pee. I get it, he’s a superstar. He’s not restrained by normal responsibilities like having a job, showering and oral hygiene. And how could he have foreseen his partner’s slow descent into the offspring of Batboy and Willem Dafoe? I think the important lesson to take away from all of this is that women really need to keep themselves attractive until their husbands’ penises no longer function. *takes drag from cigarette, puts out on tongue*

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News


  1. BillyPump-squirt

    The copy of this article is fucking awful. It doesn’t even make any sense. Generate a picture in your mind. A story in a chronological order. Then write it down. Then read it to make sure it makes sense. Then re-write it if it doesn’t. Don’t just mash the keyboard with whatever brain matter is dribbling out of your ear and then press “submit”.

    • Randal

      Johnny Depp should be thanking his lucky stars that one of the Olsen Twins took them under his wing. With this news hitting the magazines and internet sites, his value as a falling actor will certainly be back on the rise again.


    • Kim Kardashian

      Grown some balls Charlie Sheen.

  2. Oh, Vanessa Paradis. *sigh* I remember when you were hot. Even with those teeth.

    • God is Black

      Dude that was 1999, 13 years ago….I don’t know wtf happen to her as she is only 40 yrs old.Time has not been kind to her or that Island… 23 yr old pussy is a strong force.

  3. Shazam

    Well, you know, sometimes, you… Well, you just need to «forget about it». Capice?

  4. Priddish

    They come together.

  5. Dick Hell

    Real skid-row derelicts can always spot these pretenders with their elitist phoned-in one-week-old-pee-smell.

  6. g-moonie

    The “Entourage Curse” killed Heath.

  7. Colin

    I feel like Heath Ledger also belongs in the “used to be awesome” category. I mean, he hasn’t been in ANYTHING lately.

  8. judging you

    Great story InTouch, except for how the Olsens were in LA when he was there. Really good reporting there, it only took you almost a month to come up with this gem.

  9. Johnny Depp Banged Ashley Olsen
    Mrs. Salt
    Commented on this photo:

    I used to love him but from this picture I am definitely thinking no one should allow him within 10 feet of a school or a chuckie cheese…never mind an Olson twin.

  10. Schmidtler

    What’s the point of banging a twin if you don’t bang them both at the same time?

  11. dontkillthemessenger

    What’s the sexual allure of women shaped like closet doors? I’d say Johnny Depp could do better, but I saw the woman he was last with. Apparently, he can’t.

  12. Do me a favor Johnny… say “Hi” to Heath for me on the other side.

  13. Princess Pea

    Johnny’s STILL awesome. He’s the biggest movie star in the world. He’s incredibly talented, handsome, fun, kind and worth multimillions. And despite the clothes, he doesn’t look like smells to me. It’s easy to be an awesome icon for life when you die young and you only have a few years of work get judged by. Too bad the Cobains, Phoenixes and Ledgers aren’t here to appreciate their fandom. It’s harder to stay in the industry and at the top like Johnny has for 26 years now. And he wasn’t with Ashley, BTW. But shallow peabrains don’t care about facts, do they?

    • BE

      Actually, his look comes from the same source as his move to France – to get away from the media. JD may look weird HERE but in Europe he blends. Guess he got to like the look.

      They moved back to the USA because the French government was pressuring him to become a citizen and the tax rates are HIGH in Europe.

    • BE

      Forgot – ‘m with you. He just did a guest spot on HBO’s “Life’s Too Short” – he’s still got it. That’s just a bad photo..

  14. Johnny Depp Banged Ashley Olsen
    Commented on this photo:


  15. Mare

    The olsens are 26 actually. trust worthy source eh

    • electricgrl

      Nice try, but it says they are 23 years younger than JD, not 23 years old. 48 minus 23 is 25 (which is the actual age of the Olsen Twins). Double fail.

  16. dooood

    johnny depp is cool.
    there’s a lot more fuct up people in hollyweird than this guy

  17. Johnny Depp Banged Ashley Olsen
    Commented on this photo:

    hey johnny dont you wish you were in vanassa arm sleeping soundly and safe what is with you/? dont you know that your kids can read now get it togather clean your self up and askvanassa to take you back clear your head and think what you are doing not only to them but to yourself you are losing all self respect is it worth it? do it now before it is too late your 84 year old fan as i refer to you as your adopted grand ma

  18. I would definitely fuck the dogshit out of an Olsen twin. Shit, I’d fuck the both of them, at the same time. I’ve always had a thing for these weird little girls.

  19. guest

    Misery loves company and drugs, maybe!

  20. newyorkminit

    Most of those pictures tagged as being of Ashley are actually of Mary-Kate. Jus’sayin. BYE.

  21. james

    They are amazingly sexy. Any man would love to do them. One of my best fantasies is a threesome with the twins. I am what 16 years older than them. Good for Johnny

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