Johnny Depp Banged An Olsen Twin, Is Gonna Die

Posted by Photo Boy

It wasn’t long ago that the world was robbed of an amazing actor at the hands of muppet vagina – Easy, Jason Segel. – so we should all be alarmed not only by my irresponsible comparison of Heath Ledger (awesome) and Johnny Depp (used to be awesome), but also by a recent report that Depp may have nailed one of the Olsen Twins. Via inTouch:

It turns out the star, 48, was secretly leaving 23-years younger Ashley’s loft after a sneak slumber party. Arriving in the afternoon of February 26, Johnny hunkered down in Ashley’s Tribeca digs until noon the next day — nearly 24 hours later.

The report goes on to say that he was only leaving a building next to Ashley’s apartment building, so really it proves nothing except the Olsen twins are either drug dealers or consigners of Civil War-Era/Railroad uniform/gypsy healer clothing that’s been damaged by fire. Honest to God, this guy’s worth a zillion dollars but he looks like he smells like week old pee. I get it, he’s a superstar. He’s not restrained by normal responsibilities like having a job, showering and oral hygiene. And how could he have foreseen his partner’s slow descent into the offspring of Batboy and Willem Dafoe? I think the important lesson to take away from all of this is that women really need to keep themselves attractive until their husbands’ penises no longer function. *takes drag from cigarette, puts out on tongue*

Photo: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News