Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Are Going To Settle Any Minute Now

After the events in Orlando over the weekend, I’m not sure anyone – especially me – gives a fuck about two assholes hashing out their million dollar divorce settlement even if it underlines how we treat domestic abuse in this country, which is god fucking awfully. But not soldiering on with banal celebrity gossip lets the gun-toting religious fanatics win or whatever, so let’s check up on Johnny Depp and Amber Heard.

When we last left them, PEOPLE had authenticated the text messages from Johnny’s assistant where he openly talks about Depp kicking Amber and pleads for her to come back to Johnny, so that was some damning shit. Since then, Amber’s ex-girlfriend issued a statement on Amber’s domestic violence arrest in 2009 where she says it was “misinterpreted and over-sensationalized,” and that she has nothing but the “utmost respect” for Amber. So there went another attempt at Johnny’s team that Amber swatted down, and I’m guessing after Benicio del Toro opened his stupid mouth they got serious about cutting checks because right now the two of them are publicly battling over mutual restraining orders, but behind the scenes, cash is on the table. TMZ reports:

As we reported, both sides have been in settlement discussions and our Amber sources say Johnny’s side has proposed a financial settlement … spousal support totaling $50k a month for 8 months. After taxes, that comes to around a quarter of a million bucks.
Our Amber sources say they have not responded to Johnny’s offer, because there was a string attached — a mutual restraining order. The sources say Amber would never agree to be the subject of a restraining order when she was not the one who committed violence.

So, yeah, they’ll get that worked out, but more importantly, I won’t have to hear about your psycho ex-girlfriends and how their existence proves all women are crazy liars who deserve a pop in the mouth. I know you thought it was a compelling anecdote that would open the world’s eyes to the unparalleled struggles of men, but surprisingly it made me want to slit my wrists because who the hell have I been writing this site for? What’s the meaning of anything? Why are we here?!

(Heads up, it might be like this all day. Or I’ll see a boob and light will come shining in. Nothing matters.)

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