Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Are Married

Johnny Depp once famously said the following about marriage:

“I never found myself needing that piece of paper. … Marriage is really from soul to soul, heart to heart. You don’t need somebody to say, okay you’re married.”

But then Amber Heard started touching his penis, and his stance quickly changed, “HOLY ZIP BAM BOP! Please don’t stop touching my dick. I’ll do anything!” Celebrities, they’re just like us. PEOPLE reports:

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard made it legal at their home in Los Angeles on Tuesday, a source tells PEOPLE.
As previously reported, a bigger wedding is still to come this weekend on Depp’s private island (Little Hall’s Pond Cay) in the Bahamas.

The event is an exclusive 80,000 scarf affair with guests instructed to only bring bolo ties and/or turquoise rings as gifts. After the ceremony, a brief poem will be read by Keith Richards entitled, “I’ll Do It For Heroin. What Do You Mean Is That The Title? Hey, Man, You’re Johnny Depp. Far Out.” Bring tissues.

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