Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Settled Their Divorce, Thank Fucking God

For a minute there, it was looking like I was going to have to write about Billy Bob Thornton and rage art made out of severed fingertips because if you haven’t been paying attention, Amber Heard has all of the receipts and Johnny Depp has Doug Stanhope. But then the good Lord saw fit to ease my burden because they finally settled their divorce, so now I can stop reading about how many commenters almost definitely beat their wives and girlfriends. Thanks for that, by the way. TMZ reports:

“Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love…”
The statement goes on: “Neither party has made false accusations for financial gains.” That’s an interesting sentence, because it does not say neither party has made false statements.
And it goes on … “There was never an intent of physical or emotional harm.”
And it ends this way … “Amber wishes the best for Johnny in the future. Amber will be donating financial proceeds from the divorce to a charity.” She does not specify what percentage and which charity.

So everybody got what they want. Amber Heard got a chunk of Johnny Depp’s gold and a statement saying she wasn’t making shit up – She was originally gunning for one where Johnny admits to domestic abuse, which is what held things up. – he gets to stop seeing photographs and videos of shit he doesn’t even remember all over the news, and I never have to talk about this shit ever again. On that note, for future reference, if entertaining the likelihood that an aging actor/wannabe rocker with a substance problem has the potential to be a violent asshole makes me a “pussy,” then call me Jesse Spano’s warbling vagina.

jesse spano warbling vagina
Warble warble, motherfuckers. Warble warble.

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