So Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Is Happening

June 27th, 2012 // 70 Comments
It's Official
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Johnny Depp & Vanessa Paradis Split Read More »

I shall call them, “Jamber.”

Rumors have been flying that Johnny Depp left Vanessa Paradis for Amber Heard which got even worse last week when word got out that he bought her a horse even though rich people buy each other crazy shit all the time and Amber Heard has a girlfriend. Or at least she had one until finally realizing nothing can satisfy the ham wallet like a penis that’s half-flaccid from prolonged heroin use. It’s how nature intended it. Via Starpulse:

A source tells In Touch magazine, “They are no longer in a relationship.”
The split fuels rumors linking Heard to her The Rum Diary co-star Johnny Depp, who confirmed earlier this month that he and longtime partner Vanessa Paradis had broken up after 14 years.

How To Turn A Lesbian Straight (Updated)

Oil-paintings of my penis climbing a mountain
Alexander Skarsgard
Wear accessories. All of them.
Buy them a horse
Say, “God, you’re more beautiful than my ex Willem Dafoe.”

Photos: Getty

superficial

  1. juss

    I cannot believe this.

  2. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Crissy
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey Johnny get your hands off my woman!!!!

    • kimmykimkim

      Maybe they’ll let us-er, YOU join! And then you can eventually just kinda edge Johnny out of it til he gets the idea that he’s not welcome and finally leaves the room and watches TV or some shit.

  3. He’s looking like such a fucking shithead lately.

    • Sliver

      Yeah, his expression is so ‘pinched’ these days. He needs that so-called lesbian to take some of her toys to him. Just an idea.

  4. Dan Quayle

    She hot had no

  5. Amber Heard could be wearing cling wrap and ppl would still be saying “Outstanding.” Her body is fucken marvelous! No way she has switched teams for Johnny even if he bought her a tropical Island.

    • Saliha

      I can’t wait for the new Short Circuit. Johnny Five is the best! That Wall-e looks like a cheap rip-off… I also just got a copy of Short Circuit on Blu-Ray. The sound and picture quilaty is sooo amazing!!! It was like being a kid again and watching it for the first time in theaters.

  6. Deacon Jones

    Somewhere Rosie Odonnel is burning all of her “Pirates” DVDs, yelling “Damn him! DAMN HIM!”

  7. Jeckaled

    Proving yet again men have the superior genitalia.. how many gay guys leave their lovers penis for scarve’d pussy? Zero.

  8. Well if we’re to believe Seth McFarlane is sleeping with women we might as well believe Amber Heard is banging Johnny Depp.

  9. Just great, now she’s going to stay a lesbian after this blows up.

  10. AAPL made me rich!

    You fucking got that off, douche–er, I mean dude..

  11. cc

    Riiiight.

  12. kimmykimkim

    She didn’t exactly switch teams. Johnny Depp is a male lesbian. Trust me, they exist.

  13. El Jefe

    So she is still a lesbian?

  14. Jake

    Perfect girl:

    HOT
    ATHEIST
    DOESN’T MIND BRINGING ANOTHER WOMAN INTO BEDROOM

    • Not sure about the “atheist” bit. I had her screaming, “Oh God! Oh God!” the other night.

      *rimshot*

      “Careful with that joke… it’s an antique.”™

    • @Jake: If all those things are true, she really is the perfect woman. Cause I’m an atheist and I don’t mind bringing another woman into the bedroom.

    • Alex

      Just gotta get through round 7 and 6 and its all dolhinwl I am actually excited to do this one on Saturday. I am taking a rest day today, have fun!

  15. Mandi

    Ok. WHAT. Lesbian or not, she is waaaaaay too good for Johnny Depp. Unless she got access to some weird time machine where she can date his past self in present times. But I mean…. even still.

    • Deacon Jones

      I beg to differ.

      Years from now, Johnny Deep will still be relevant, making movies, winning Golden Globes, etc when she’s blowing a pot-bellied producer on his couch for a Bravo reality show.

      • Mandi

        Ok, I wasn’t strictly referring to talent (although I do think she’s a good actress). I was mostly talking about looks. She is RIDICULOUS looking. And I’m a straight female.

        But back to talent, while Depp has had a great career, if he keeps making movies like fucking “Dark Shadows,” he won’t be that relevant for too much longer. Her career is just starting.

      • I can blame a lot of people for the mess Dark Shadows was, but Depp’s not one of them.

  16. So, I’d like to take my new anti-lesbian medication to the FDA for patenting. I call it “Money”.

  17. judging you

    Oh look the media at large is not getting that she’s a LESBIAN, that’s good. GLAAD should send them a letter explaining that before this gets really bad.

  18. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    lily
    Commented on this photo:

    amber heard, my girlfriend

  19. Karen

    The irony of this is that Johnny Depp has had plenty of gorgeous costars over the years, and no matter how secure Vanessa Paradis is, she had to worry about each one a little bit. When she heard he was going to do a movie with Amber Heard, she probably went “Finally, I can rest easy. This one prefers vagina.”

  20. The Royal Penis

    I now fucking hate Johnny Depp.

    • Crazed Abandon

      Don’t hate him for winning the gene lottery. I personally hate my parents for not keeping it in their pants and cursing me with genes that make me look like a troll monkey.

  21. Cock Dr

    Maybe she can get him less douchey, but if this is true it’s more likely that he’ll simply destroy her classy blonde lesbian persona. And that’s too bad, because Hollywood needs classy blonde lesbians to help put butts in the theater seats.

    • Ain’t that the truth… the quality of the movies they’re making sure isn’t pulling its weight. Personally, I’m infinitely more likely to go see a movie with a classy, blond lesbian.

  22. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    Edward Scissoring

  23. JPC

    Everyone here keeps on saying she’s a lesbian……she’s not, she’s bisexual. A quote from her on her Wikipedia page: “”I don’t label myself one way or another – I have had successful relationships with men and now a woman. I love who I love; it’s the person that matters.”

    Also, if you google image search her girlfriend (or ex-girlfriend)…..you get a lot of pictures of her in Johnny Depp-style hats and scarves.

    So I guess she just has a douche-hat and scarf fetish.

  24. Crazed Abandon

    They are probably just shooting a movie together.

  25. dontkillthemessenger

    Who among us wasn’t horny when we saw the pics of Johnny Depp as Tonto?

  26. anonym

    fucking fuck. Look at her figure. Those curves.
    That shit should be on a victoria secret runway.

    hot damn!

    I’d leave my wife for that ass too.

  27. Kingdaka

    Buying a horse was a bad movie for Johnny. She can use it to determine whether he is hung like one.

  28. “There’s not much that isn’t hotter than Vanessa Paradis.” (Fish’s Twitter)

    Fish, you’re mean. A little respect for this:

  29. MyCoworkerIsHot

    She’s so damn hot! Saw her in that drive angry movie and I liked her. At this point tho she can do better. As for Johnny this is the kinda girl he should have been with not that troll Vanessa.

  30. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    Good luck with that.

  31. lori

    Only in America can a cartoon character like Johnny Depp who’s had the same stupid, uncool look for the last.. what, 25 years.. and the same, over-done, over-the-top “acting” roles can get beautiful women to think he’s worth dating. You go, Johnny.

  32. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Bionic_Crouton
    Commented on this photo:

    UPGRADE!!!

  33. gryphon50

    well I don’t think Vanessa Paradis has done too badly. She had him in his prime, apparently monogamously, for 14 years, got two kids out of him, and will probably get a ton of money now. Not too shabby.

  34. Lissa

    Well, she’s beautiful and her career is sinking fast. She hasn’t made herself a household name yet, so naturally when the opportunity to hook up with a household name comes up, you jump on it..literally. Good for her, she’s doing Hollywood the way everyone else does!

  35. She’s pulling a reverse Anne Heche!

  36. Sliver

    A conversation that actually took place. Maybe.
    Johhny: Come on Amber, give penis a chance…..
    Amber: Hmm…
    Johhny: I’ll buy you a stallion (grins and moves eyebrows up and down convincingly)…
    Amber: Alright.

  37. Cpm

    Maybe Johnny lets her use the strap-on.

  38. George Costanza

    “I drive them to lesbianism, he brings ‘em back!”

  39. bob

    I feel sorry for him, he’s loosing alot of respect from his kids and friends too. I can’t see him stumbling down the wedding isle with Amber. I wish he would just go away and retire along with Tom Cruz yuck. I think Tom and Johnny would make a cute elderly couple. I won’t include Brad Pitt for retirment he still does decent movies. johnny Depp needs to give a crap looking like he dosen’t just makes him seem full of himself.

  40. Jhonmicar

    SHHH. Listen!..(︶︿︶).. will YOU search SNAPSHOT BOYS so they can reach the 3000th mark FOR my bradhtiy PLEASE THANK YOU !! #PEACEfeel free to comment

  41. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Danica
    Commented on this photo:

    Definitely a cute baby. Drew is going to have a field day playing with that llttie guy. What a blessing. Take care. Hope to see you all soon. We love you guys.Shawn, Kenny, and doggies.

  42. Johnny Depp Amber Heard Dating
    Arashk
    Commented on this photo:

    Far be it for me to decide who pefrect strangers date.They could not have been *that* good together or else they’d still be a couple.We do not know what goes on behind closed doors.

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