So Johnny Depp & Amber Heard Is Happening

I shall call them, “Jamber.”

Rumors have been flying that Johnny Depp left Vanessa Paradis for Amber Heard which got even worse last week when word got out that he bought her a horse even though rich people buy each other crazy shit all the time and Amber Heard has a girlfriend. Or at least she had one until finally realizing nothing can satisfy the ham wallet like a penis that’s half-flaccid from prolonged heroin use. It’s how nature intended it. Via Starpulse:

A source tells In Touch magazine, “They are no longer in a relationship.”
The split fuels rumors linking Heard to her The Rum Diary co-star Johnny Depp, who confirmed earlier this month that he and longtime partner Vanessa Paradis had broken up after 14 years.

How To Turn A Lesbian Straight (Updated)

Oil-paintings of my penis climbing a mountain
Alexander Skarsgard
Wear accessories. All of them.
Buy them a horse
Say, “God, you’re more beautiful than my ex Willem Dafoe.”

Photos: Getty