John Travolta to cure Haiti with his Xenu Rays

John Travolta is sending a plane full of medical supplies and “volunteer ministers” from the Church of Scientology to help with relief efforts in Haiti. While the medical supplies are helpful, Gawker takes a look at some of the procedures these “ministers” will perform on earthquake victims:

“Locational Assists”: After traumas, people sometime’s forget where they are maybe? To remind earthquake victims that they are still stuck in Haiti, volunteer ministers will be performing this vital medical procedure, quoted here verbatim from the Scientology Handbook:

5. Continue giving the command, directing the person’s attention to different objects in the environment. Be sure to acknowledge the person each time after he has complied.
For instance, you say, “Look at that tree.” “Thank you.” “Look at that building.” “Good.” “Look at that street.” “All right.” “Look at that lawn.” “Very good.” You point each time to the object.
6. Keep this up until the person has good indicators and a cognition. You can end the assist at this point. Tell the person, “End of assist.”

Maybe instead of making people who’ve witnessed catastrophic death and carnage look at a fucking tree until Thetans stop stealing their memories, the Church of Scientology could actually do something useful by getting Tom Cruise down there. No, really, the man’s extremely small and there’s still a lot of folks trapped under rubble. Some of whom I’m sure are naked men, and wow, he’s already in his jet. GO, TOM, GO!

Photos: Getty