John Travolta to cure Haiti with his Xenu Rays

January 26th, 2010 // 50 Comments

John Travolta is sending a plane full of medical supplies and “volunteer ministers” from the Church of Scientology to help with relief efforts in Haiti. While the medical supplies are helpful, Gawker takes a look at some of the procedures these “ministers” will perform on earthquake victims:

“Locational Assists”: After traumas, people sometime’s forget where they are maybe? To remind earthquake victims that they are still stuck in Haiti, volunteer ministers will be performing this vital medical procedure, quoted here verbatim from the Scientology Handbook:

5. Continue giving the command, directing the person’s attention to different objects in the environment. Be sure to acknowledge the person each time after he has complied.
For instance, you say, “Look at that tree.” “Thank you.” “Look at that building.” “Good.” “Look at that street.” “All right.” “Look at that lawn.” “Very good.” You point each time to the object.
6. Keep this up until the person has good indicators and a cognition. You can end the assist at this point. Tell the person, “End of assist.”

Maybe instead of making people who’ve witnessed catastrophic death and carnage look at a fucking tree until Thetans stop stealing their memories, the Church of Scientology could actually do something useful by getting Tom Cruise down there. No, really, the man’s extremely small and there’s still a lot of folks trapped under rubble. Some of whom I’m sure are naked men, and wow, he’s already in his jet. GO, TOM, GO!

Photos: Getty
superficial

  1. Kitty Furry

    fristo

  2. Rough's goodwill tour

    Uh nooo! How much more will these people endure…

  3. ELH

    But can they give commands in French?

    Other wise Haitians are screwed.

  4. oJAEflo

    Travolta already flew down there in his own plane with 4 tons of food & supplies. He did his part.

  5. Jimmy

    So we have Voodoo meets Elron Hubbard.

  6. BeeTee

    Travolta’s going to work his SNF magic by doing the strut down the street and exploding buildings with his pointing dance

  7. J

    The food, medical supplies and doctors work fine.
    The Scientology will likely make the survivors pray for
    more tremors.

  8. Del

    I have had a enough of this guy.

  9. But will John personally fly the supplies down there in his Boeing 707? That way, the Haitians will know he really cares (and owns an old plane).

  10. Ozzie

    He’s doing a good thing and probably a lot more than any of you have done. Would you be saying the same thing if it was the Catholic Church trying to help out? I doubt it.

  11. Fuzzy Tingle Times(NS)

    Seriously, why not end it at the food and medical help. Send people who actually have a skill that others can see aside from other scientologists. Pat Robertson is probably already down there giving them medical supplies IF they are willing to accept they are hell bound because of that deal with the devil to kick “napoleon or whatevers” ass. Why not actually do something so people may gain some sort of respect for you scientologists? Just help them and don’t include your dumb ass religion.

  12. VanDaL

    WHAT A FUCKIN’ HEAD THE BALL!

  13. Deacon Jones

    (Travolta points to head)
    “Hairpiece”
    “Good, thank you”

  14. Boo you

    I’m all for helping Haiti.. please don’t get me wrong. It just makes me angry that people here in the US are suffering more than ever and these”stars” go to great lengths for Haiti but ignore people here. This goes for the government to. There are people starving here.. homeless.. hurting… jobless… These stars should put on a show and help the people here as well. If I had their money I would help on the homefront to. I have seen more and more homeless and I try to do my part. Just makes me sick

  15. Boo you

    I’m all for helping Haiti.. please don’t get me wrong. It just makes me angry that people here in the US are suffering more than ever and these”stars” go to great lengths for Haiti but ignore people here. This goes for the government to. There are people starving here.. homeless.. hurting… jobless… These stars should put on a show and help the people here as well. If I had their money I would help on the homefront to. I have seen more and more homeless and I try to do my part. Just makes me sick

  16. Clover

    If I remember correctly, hadn’t there been articles on Tom Cruise practicing the ‘doorknob principle’ by talking to books and ordering them to move and do things, then saying ‘thank you’, as well as to bottles, and ashtrays? He claimed it was to gain control over himself, and to get your intention over to the bottle/object. He also claimed it was supposed to rehabilitate your ability to control things and to be controlled.

    That whole routine for the ministers sounds waaaay to similar to what Tom Cruise was practicing. There is a website even showing how to practice these techniques: http://freezoneamerica.com/Clearbird/Clearbird2004/sub1/class1/indoc_trs.htm

  17. @16. Seriously?! Compare poverty here in the states to TRAGEDY in Haiti?

    Yes. A lot are out of work and there are hungry people here and there should be attention given here too. But do not compare the two.

    That’s like saying that people shouldn’t have sent relief to Katrina victims because there’s a homeless family down the street.

  18. arealcad

    With all that money, you’d think he’d buy a cummerbund to go w/the tux.

  19. Scooter
    “Look at that douchebag.”
    “Good.”
    “End of assist.”
  20. havoc

    Look at that collapsed building.

    My apartment!

    Good, thank you.

    See that mass grave over there?

    My family!

    All right.

    Do you have anything left you can hand over to the Church of Scientology?

    Well, they amputated my leg.

    Good, thank you.

    .

  21. NVG

    THAT IS THE FUNNIEST MEDICAL PROCEDURE EVER WRITTEN IN THE HISTORY OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE!

    Nurses will giggle!
    Doctors will guffaw!
    Psychiatrists will LOL!
    Even aliens will ROFLMAO at that!

    ‘…Look at Weegee. Good, now stay with him for one minute.’
    “End of assist.”

  22. stan

    Hey, they left out the part when you’re supposed to say “Look at this monkey.”

    No…wait….I’m wrong, that’s part of Johnnie Cochran’s “Chewbacca defense.”

  23. NVG

    @21

    You forgot “End of assist.”

    End of assist.

  24. havoc

    #24 You’re right.

    I looked at my post.

    Good, thank you.

    End of Assist.

    .

  25. johnny

    TCLJTC

    JTLTCC

  26. Nameless

    What’s with the dead animal on his head? He trying to f*ck with PETA?

  27. Herb

    #27 – FTW

  28. Mr. Lahey

    John can do whatever the fuck he wants. For christ sakes, he played Tony Manero and Vinny Barbarino!

    Scientology crap or not.
    Legend in my eyes!

  29. holio

    too early

  30. Ronin

    So Sad. Mr. Travolta has done more than all of you posters put together. But you have to berate Mr. Travolta because of what he believes? You should be ashamed of yourselves. There are so many poeple that are hurt and have lost everything in Haiti. What are you doing about it other than making these remarks about a man that is doing something about it. All of you are horrible people. Would you be saying the same thing if he was a Catholic? We live in America. Remember Freedom of Religion.
    To the owner of Superficial…you plain suck for attacking a man because he wants to help people that need it. Why don’t you do something like donate a few hundred thousand dollars and fly your ass down to Haiti and help some of those poeple. Perhaps you need to pull your head out of your ass and realize that you to have a responsibility to help your fellow man, no matter what religious faith they may be.

  31. Boo you

    Yeah we can compare poverty to Haiti in this way. They are homeless and hungry to.. A earthquake did not rock them.. yes.. but they need help as well… People here have had lots of tragedy to. I did not knock helping Haiti.. I said more can be done here with their star power as well on the homefront..And they should have concerts and benefits for homeless here. If you read my first line I said I am all for helping Haiti. Read the whole thing… Take a trip to the crappy parts of the US..

  32. My friends and I were all rolling our eyes when I told them about the Scientology ministers.

  33. Save yourselves from the wrath of Xenu!

  34. Honoria

    Scientologists are arrogant, ineffectual bastards.

    All they have are bizarre opinions that they use to bilk people out of millions. They have no actual competence, they have no way to prove that their 707 starships and Xenu blowing up volcanos ever happened, absolutely no way. So it’s just “Believe us because we say so!” and “We are the authorities!” Yada yada yada…

    They aren’t the only ones out there talking crap with nothing real behind it, that’s been around ever since people could talk. But it’s the lame, ham-fisted completely BS line that Scientologists take that puts them at the head of the mendacious pack.

  35. anonymous

    People who are saying how great Travolta and the Vulture Ministers are should take note of the fact that ALL THE DOCTORS AND NURSES were LEFT BEHIND.

    http://www.ny1.com/8-queens-news-content/top_stories/112541/boarding-mixup-grounds-medical-mission-to-haiti

    Oh, and the Scientologists were kicked out of the main hospital at port au prince:

    http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/2010/01/20/2010-01-20_haiti_in_brief.html

    And seriously, Scientology doesn’t do ANYTHING if there isn’t something in it for them. If it’s not paying customers (which would be in short supply in Haiti), then it’s for PR and/or duping desperate foreigners into working for them for low/no pay under their “religious worker” visa scam. Look into it folks. ;)

  36. S.

    #32. John Travolta is a prominent member of a really dangerous cult whose members try to gain more addepts taking advantage of disasters such as this one.

    Nuff said.

  37. NG

    Go Tom Go! lol

  38. NVG

    PeTA, Greenpeace and Scientology should be combined into one, gigantic, annoying organization.

    End of assist.

  39. Seth D

    #32 What about the Travolters helping Lisa McPherson’s family get justice for her death at the hands of the heroes of Scientology. Or are we supposed to forget about that…”it never happened, we know nothing”

    It’s fundamentally evil that creepy cult members use tragic events for PR opportunities.

    Remember this, if you are not a scientologist you are a WOG. That includes the grieving families of Haiti. Peace to all : )

    http://www.lisamcpherson.org/

  40. Donkey Punch

    What is even more disgusting is that these Scientology parasites are after more than just recruiting more cult members. They want ever last penny that these poor Haitians own and they view these earthquake victims as easy targets.

    Travolta and company: You disgust me.

  41. Blech

    Idiots. The difference between the impoverished in Haiti and the impoverished here is– wait for it– entitlement!

    I’m sorry. I don’t mind helping the homeless in the East Coast. But let’s be real: how many of our nation’s homeless actually better themselves and do something through our help? Our nation is infested with an entitled attitude and even those with EVERYTHING sit on their asses and collect checks and expect others to do stuff for them. They’re too lazy to stand up, get away from the computer or Wii and get a f*ck’n job! And the jobs are out there– these lazy f*cks just don’t want them. They want cushy jobs, where tapping fingers are considered working, with six-figure salaries!

    I bet you my left tit that an impoverished Haitian who’s lost his/her home and maybe a few family members in this tragedy would appreciate– not expect– help.

    That, douchey kids, is the difference between American poverty and overseas poverty.

  42. I knew this. He is a noble man and would do something for Haiti earthquake victims for sure. May he live long!!

  43. AthenaNoxious

    john travolta, tom cruise, beck and all the other freaky deaky scientologists out there creep the fuck out of me. if they’re not knocking on my door asking me to take a stress test then they’re pillaging poor, devastated Haiti.

    get a fucking life people. if you want to help out text your donation to the red cross, but please leave these poor people alone.

    or better yet, move your headquarters to catalina so the US military can use you as target practice.

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  46. My friends and I were all rolling our eyes when I told them about the Scientology ministers.

  47. or better yet, move your headquarters to catalina so the US military can use you as target practice.

  48. My friends and I were all rolling our eyes when I told them about the Scientology ministers.

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