John Mayer’s blog to ex: Leave me alone – kind of

March 7th, 2008 // 162 Comments

John Mayer left a cryptic message on his blog the other day that may or may not be directed to an ex-lover. Us Magazine is saying it might be Jessica Simpson, Minka Kelly, Jennifer Love Hewitt or Cameron Diaz. That’s four more women than I would’ve suggested would still be hung up on John Mayer. Here’s what it said:

Dear Ex Lover,
Perhaps you didn’t understand the last time I told you to stop contacting me, so I’ll do my best to spell it out for you. I do not wish to have you in my life anymore. I don’t know how much more clear I can be about it. It would serve you best to move on with your life and find someone who can put up with you, because I’m done trying.
I hope this is enough closure for you.
Goodbye.

P.S. If you need me, you know how to find me.

Here’s my list of suspects of who John Mayer is writing to:

1. No one.
2. Nobody.
3. Imaginary Girl.
4. Tyra Banks.

I don’t want to say my list is better, but between Us Magazine and myself, only one of us thinks The Hills is real. So who you going to trust? That’s right. Me: Captain Credibility. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go hot-tubbing on the moon with every single Victoria’s Secret Angels, Olivia Munn from G4 and Disney’s The Little Mermaid.

superficial

  1. kush

    first bitches

  2. Sara

    LOL love your list, makes more sense and way more realistic than that magazines’

  3. mamadough

    like anyone would ever believe he’s trying to beat women off with a stick. maybe confused young asian men…..

  4. Donkey Ass

    What a douche

  5. Sambo the Ass Pirate

    the “man in the yellow hat” mysteriously absent from that list of suspects.

  6. Jackie

    I love John Mayer’s soulful/blues sounding CD called Continuum the best. I hope he makes more soulful/blues music. John is tall, has thick wavy hair, full lips, cute, and is very talented. I suspect Jessica Simpson still trys to keep in contact with him; just like she still keeps in contact with her ex.

  7. D. RIchards (Saint.)

    ‘Look, bitch, leave me alone. I don’t know how much more clearly I can put it: I hate you! I hate you! I hate your smile; your laugh; I hate everything about you — your pussy! I don’t ever want to see your face again. I hope you die.

    But (…) if you need me, you know where to find me.’

  8. Bugaboo

    No, no, no. That’s his penis writing to his hand.

  9. jakebarnes

    Yeahh…didn’t that PS literally defeat the purpose? Literally!

  10. diana

    haha i came to say what D RIchards just said.

    mixed messages.

  11. star

    If you’re a 30 year old girl, is fucking a 19 year old wrong? Please be honest. I haven’t done it yet, but I really really want to.

  12. Voracious

    He’s always seemed like a total sadistic prick to me.

  13. 30 year old...girl or woman

    Ummm dear. 30 is waaaaaay past being a girl, dontcha think? I mean if you can’t find someone your own age to spread your mung onto I mean what’s a little VD risk between an older woman and a Young man anyway?

  14. mamadough

    11, if you are 30 and still consider yourself a girl…you got more problems than trying to fuck a 19 year old. btw, this isn’t some fucking help site….but the answers will be interesting

  15. Jimbo I told you to stop pestering him.

  16. MJ

    he’s just not that into you

  17. yo go girl

    #11

    men never mature so you may as well get them young. just make sure you get him tested. the 18-24 year old crowd are infested with stds

  18. Beth

    #11 – fuck his brains out. Then tell him he has a tiny dick and doesn’t know how to please a woman, and you don’t want to see him again.

  19. #18 – MOM! I told you never to visit this site.

  20. star

    Sorry. Yeah, woman. I know. He’s just really sexy. I want to attack him. I know this isn’t the site for self help shit. I just wanted to get some input. And I plan on getting some input. From this 19 year old. I can’t exactly ask him to get tested. I want to screw him yesterday.

  21. blow pop

    if anyone on this board is over the age of say 21, you’re not as “mature” as you think you are. gossiping is for the youngsters. i’m a teenager so it’s okay but i don’t plan on hanging out here when i get a real job in the corporate world. one i have an adult life there is no need to hang out here.

  22. Fine, I’ll admit it was me John. Thanks right, Richie… don’t you remember those sunsets on the beach hand in hand John, and that time I walked in to the room naked with my arms behind my back, holding your guitar up with just my, shall we say, passion for you? Or all those times I sopped your porkchoppy forehead with my kerchief? Or that tme you hopped up and down screaming “but I like to toss salads, Richie, come back!”, then how we giggled at the words “come” and “back” because they reminded us of how we met in the Sleep N’ Fuck Motor Inn that quiet evening? I’m sorry John, I can’t leave, I just can’t…

  23. Grunion

    Wow. slow.news.day.

  24. star

    Beth. But what if I do want to see him more. Should I just end it there? Because he’s too young? Would it never work? I do want to fuck his brains out! I mean, aren’t guys at their sexual peak at 19?
    Thanks for your advise.

  25. havoc

    Wasn’t he hitting on Rikki Lake?

    Maybe she finally came around…..

    .

  26. D. Richards (Salivating.)

    #11 — no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with fucking teenagers. As a matter of fact, you should go younger; like, twelve or thirteen. How’s that saying go: The younger the berry, the sweeter the sex — no, the younger the berry, the tighter the orifice? It’s not important. What is important, is you, fucking a child, go!

    Come back and report your progress.

  27. hahaha STAR!!

    Go get him chick!! 19? Why the hell not?? He might end up like this chick John’s dealing with if you’re any good though…..

  28. All women are...

    …whores and speaders of AIDS. Yeah it’s ok to fuck and fuck in this age of rampant sexual diseases you dirty fucking cunt. I hope you get AIDS and die. It just seems a pity that innocent people end up getting infections from filthy stupid cunts like you and the loose sluts on this site. Amazing.

  29. Auntie Kryst

    @22 Teenagers call themselves “youngsters”? Wow I’m out of touch with the new lingo. Is old lingo is new again? Blow pup, thanks for infoming this old jive turkey on the new words, now I’m on the trolley! See you on the flip side daddy-o.

  30. mica

    hey blowpop i think your needed on webkinz for a little tea party:)

  31. Champ

    What a fag.
    Does he also dial POPCORN in public so he can look like he has friends and is talking to someone important?

  32. hand puppet

    #11

    Do it and do it now! Younger guys are awesome. They are so focused on getting you off cause they really want to be able to stroke their ego by satisfying you. Besides, they are in their prime and they don’t smell like Old Spice. I’m 33 and my stud is a 25 year old. He’s got a 6 figure salary and treats me like a queen. The key is to get them younger yet financially stable. You don’t want to have to support your boy toy. 19 sounds like he’ll occasionally take you to Applebee’s and then try to bang you on the air mattress in his mother’s basement. No can do!

  33. Sarah

    O.K., here’s what John actually prefaces this letter with on his blog:

    “I was sitting in the airport lounge this morning when I started scribbling out lyrics and such…
    Don’t read too far into this on a personal level. (There are no hidden messages)… I just thought it sums up how crazy love can be. ”

    So, I think he’s working on a song idea, and simultaneously playing with our minds.

  34. Andy

    “I started scribbling out lyrics and such…”

    Yikes. Clearly that was in between trips to the men’s room for gulps of semen.

  35. Rick

    His vagina seems so mournful in these pictures.

  36. star

    I felt his dick this morning, but have not fucked him yet. He is eager I can tell. I am going to go for it. Thank you all for your advise. I am very excited.

  37. Am I the only one who thinks John Mayer was writing to Tom Cruise?

  38. JoBOO

    FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  39. pee pants

    # 33. “19 sounds like he’ll occasionally take you to Applebee’s and then try to bang you on the air mattress in his mother’s basement. No can do!”

    LOL, LOL, LOL!

  40. Dr. Fill

    What’s the big deal about a 30 year old fucking a 19 year old? If the guy’s got anything going for him, it’ll add variety to all the skanks he’s gonna fuck just for fun before he finishes college. If it’s some sort of big deal for him, obviously he’s hideous or was molested as a child or both. Otherwise, why would he get so attached to droopy boobs and a fattening ass when there are PERFECT 19 year old girls all around him?

  41. D. Richards (John Mater.)

    John Mayer is an insufferable baboon. He needs to get over his juvenile histrionics and take up ebonics. And enemas. With me as the… Administrator.

    But I do covet his leather jacket. Fine and buttery, just like his… lips.

  42. star

    By the way, should I let him fuck me in the ass on our first time?

  43. star

    Yippeeee! He just came home and we did it peeps! He was long and hard and like a pony it was everything I imagine! How I long (ha ha) to tell you all how happy and satisfied I am with him and with all your helpful advise..

  44. star troll

    Keep feeding me. FEED ME!

  45. D. Richards (Pedo.)

    #22? May I call you ‘Stridex?’ Thanks. The ‘corporate’ world? You’ve got it all figured out, don’t ya’, Stridex?

    You’re planning on living the good life — cubicles.

  46. star

    44 and 45. You are not me. Why are you pretending? Anyway, I am going to fuck the shit out of him. I don’t care that he is younger. and by the way, I am quite cute for 30. I can not wait to get him inside me. He is young, cute, and very eager to please. Yay!

  47. Papa Joe

    John is so soulful. I used to get lost in those eyes when he’d look up at me right before I started to spurt. I have no idea how he always knew. He’s so intuitive.

  48. John mayer is the definition of a Douchebag

    It’s probably for Ricki Lake, those old chubbers are hard to get rid of. They’re so starved for attention that if you throw an old bitch a bone just once (out of pity and drunkeness) you’ll never get rid of her. Oh well not my problem.

    P.S. I hate you John Mayer.

  49. star troll's troll

    But the dining room table cloth now has poopy stains smeared on it due to the rough foreplay we engaged in. I am sad you all told me to take it up the poop chute :( Next time I will be more smarter.

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