John Mayer is not diddling Kristin Cavallari

September 10th, 2009 // 32 Comments

John Mayer took to his Twitter last night to deny rumors he’s sleeping with Kristin Cavallari (above) of The Hills:

Rumor control: How do I put this like a gentleman…I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.

A fitting response, but just as was I starting to think John Mayer is only 95% douche, he kept going. Because why have one clever quip when you can make a bunch of lame ones and hope they reel in some Internet trim?

I have never Bensoned her Hedges, nor have I attempted to Bartle her James.
My Milli has never slam danced with her Vanilli.

I’m sure she’s a wonderful gal but we have never tasted the Skittles Rainbow together.

In hindsight, John Mayer could’ve probably saved himself a lot of time by simply tweeting “I need everyone to think I’m super hip, and in return, I’ll pay off your credit bills after you touch my penis.”

Photos: Splash News

  1. Particle)Man


    John needs to be looking up Audrina if he wants to go The Hills route. I’d god vengeance that shit.

  2. austinjames

    …i find him funny

  3. KIKI

    That is the dumbest denial of dating I have ever heard. Milli Vanilli? What?

  4. 7up

    I would like to high five him with a sledge hammer.

  5. Mr. Notadouche

    Oh, Thank God John Mayer let us know what he has to say about something!

  6. Mayer

    I have never oodled her caboodle with my noodle.

  7. colored

    Y’all are sippin’ the hater-ade

  8. Rhymin with John

    I have never toodled in her toilet.

  9. Kristin C.

    I have never shagged this super fag.

  10. Anyone?

    How about this John,
    I have never sang a different sounding song.

  11. ROUGH daddy

    Who care about this floater, except some broads whose self esteem are on life support.

  12. Gee

    This fellow is supposed to be a songwriter? Dr. Seuss would beat him to a pulp.

  13. KIKI

    Aw Rough, I was waiting for your simile! Don’t let me down.

  14. Aust Outback

    John meyer is that one mexican bus boy with attitude.

  15. Peter Pumpkin Eater

    What a Twitterfag!

  16. Infected

    Old Johnny understand sthat to “HI V” someone is give them AIDS, right?

  17. Oliver Chester The Molester Lester

    If it weren’t for the fact he plays a mean guitar, I would’ve taken a crap in that thing he calls a mouth.

  18. Strange Botwin

    John Mayer is funny. This blogger is not. That simple. Oh wait, it’s a tad more complex. John Mayer is talented. This blogger is not. There, that nails it.

  19. He doesn’t have a hair on his ass if he didn’t say, “She’s never Heckler’d my Koch.”

  20. Taylor

    Hey John…youbetter marry SOMEBODY soon, buddy, cuz you are getting uglier every day…..I never believed Kristin would have dated you, so don’t worry……

  21. “I have never high fived Kristin Cavalari with my penis.” – is hilarious and something i’d expect fish to write himself.
    The rest of the tweet is kinda lame.

  22. haloo

    There’s a whole lotta gay in that little queer’s twitters

  23. Martina

    Sorry Kristin, Audrina’s the only one who’s seen his wienahh …

  24. carmen

    beautiful woman her combat index to 3200.. is she still stay with her husband.. someone posted on yahoo answers that she has an profile on an online site ~~~~Sugarloves.Com~~~~ you know it is a bad site for rich men to seek sexy girls.!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  25. ETphonehome

    Tweating..Twitter…Bunch of fags

  26. Marie

    What a pathetic douche bag. Pathetic desperate women date this piece of shit. Enough pathetic women put this jerk in Hollywood.

  27. she looks lovely..

  28. Rhialto

    I’ve no idea what’s going on and no i’m also not going to google it.

  29. Galtacticus

    Why don’t you try Yahoo or Bing this time?

  30. Darth

    Why isn’t he diddling her? What’s wrong with her?

  31. Do not some big glasses?

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