John Mayer discusses banging Jessica Simpson

February 10th, 2010 // 73 Comments

Us Magazine got a hold of John Mayer’s upcoming interview for Playboy where he discusses everything from sex with Jessica Simpson to how he only banged a few groupies to get over Jennifer Aniston:

On Jessica Simpson:
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.’”

On Jennifer Aniston:
“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”

On nailing groupies to get over their break-up:
“I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”

Wait. John Mayer has to jump through more hoops now than he did when he was a nobody in a local band? What the- ? Either he’s really that annoying in person or he lived in the sluttiest town in America which he should probably give me the name of. No, really, this place sounds like I could get laid ordering a sandwich if they’re banging Chatty Kathy here before he struck douche-gold.


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  2. Simpson would let you bang her asshole while punching her in the head, she’s got such self-esteem issues.

    Of course she’s crazy in bed, she’s afraid if she’s not the man will leave her.

    And of course, if she wasn’t, he would (he has / he did / he does…)

  3. ppl

    yup…welcome to the age of the uglier each passing days… your 30s bitches…

  4. qtpie

    Dear John,

    Not every single half-assed thought that passes through that mundane brain of yours is meant to be verbalized. I’d say that the actual insignificance of your opinion in this world would astound you. As I’m sure any sense of reality would.

    Yours truly,

    Everyone but you

    P.S. You sing like you’re deaf & talk like your dumb!

  5. kim

    Gross! I feel bad for Jessica. I don’t know if he’s stupid or is trying to prove he’s not gay.

  6. bar room hero

    JS is a slag, but Mayer totally sounds like a douche in this interview…

  7. What a dickhead. He deserves a great big, whopping, venereal disease. I KNOW!!! He can go screw Snooki, that should do the trick!!

  8. He is pretty outta touch

  9. Insatiable Peter

    I’m sure all of those self avowed nerds/snot-nosed pansies who bought Room for Sqaures back in the day are hating themselves right now …or they should.

    Btw, if you refer to yourself as a nerd in the hope that it makes you appear intelligent, it doesn’t.

  10. Brooke

    Of course musicians get laid more in local bands. Groupies have to fight harder to get to them if there are bodyguards blocking the dressing room entrances. After the musicians hit it big, the roadies are the ones who get laid.

  11. fuckoffjohnmayer

    who cares about this ugly, bloated cunt (i guess said description could apply to jessica simpson, too)

  12. fuckoffsuperficialblogger

    p.s. does anyone know what the superficial blogger actually looks like? bet he’s ugly as fuuuuck. maybe he will one day realise how pathetic he is and kill himself. that would be lovely :)

  13. IKE

    Oddly, the only thing I get from this is I WANT TO BANG JESSICA more than I ever before. :)

  14. V Johnson

    Usually when a man brags about sex, it is because he ISN’T getting any.
    I hope all women stay away from the loud mouthed prick, because he
    isn’t worth he. He will rot in hell.

  15. anonymous

    Who cares how he rates the portly, man-faced Jessica Simpson. This is a guy who made out with Perez Hilton…she has a very low bar to clear. . John Mayer thinks Jessica ranks right up there with Perez Hilton and human waste in the bedroom.

  16. Grrlina

    “The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter.” — Sez the guy who success ALSO came before TMZ and Twitter. He’s such a moron.

  17. eurotrash

    # 23. pedoguy – February 10, 2010 12:38 PM

    “I only get to bang average no-name bitches,,,” Seriously? If that’s how you regard women, you shouldn’t be allowed to ‘bang’ anyone. You’re probably very lucky when some poor woman actually ends up in bed with you once in a blue moon – perhaps then your tales will be of interest to anyone. Rest assured, however, that sexist diarrhea-of-mouth will always be of interest to the “new”/currrent ‘fish writer. Sadly. This site used to different.
    John Mayer obviously has a problem and should learn to check his rhetoric. You, “pedoguy”, on the other hand have a problem AND no record deal. Sad…

  18. looking bad jess

    Jessica looks BAD. Her face was never great, it’s gotten worse. And who says she’s ‘lost all the weight she gained’??? Did she have all that lard around her waist/abdominal area last time? WORST place for a woman to carry excess fat, it’s the difference between a woman looking curvy hourglass-like or just plain chunky.

    That shiny dress does not help. Lose at least 4 inches around the waist area first.

  19. YA… I’d say he’s V-E-R-Y…. much a DOUCHE!

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  21. lmgurl92

    Wow I really don’t like John Mayor… I like his music, but him… he’s sooo annoying. He’s quite literally a hypocrate. All his music is filled with all theses amazing meanings of love… and then he puts this shit out… Wow he’s such a douche. I don’t know why girls like him he’s sooo ugly it’s disgusiting. Don’t like him.. sorry.

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