John Mayer discusses banging Jessica Simpson

Us Magazine got a hold of John Mayer’s upcoming interview for Playboy where he discusses everything from sex with Jessica Simpson to how he only banged a few groupies to get over Jennifer Aniston:

On Jessica Simpson:
“Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me. Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just fuckin’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to fuck you, I would start selling all my shit just to keep fucking you.'”

On Jennifer Aniston:
“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much. That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.'”

On nailing groupies to get over their break-up:
“I’m going to say four or five. No more. But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”

Wait. John Mayer has to jump through more hoops now than he did when he was a nobody in a local band? What the- ? Either he’s really that annoying in person or he lived in the sluttiest town in America which he should probably give me the name of. No, really, this place sounds like I could get laid ordering a sandwich if they’re banging Chatty Kathy here before he struck douche-gold.