John Mayer defends Jessica Simpson

January 16th, 2008 // 63 Comments

Keeping with the latest trend of celebrities blogging and/or procreating, John Mayer went the blogging route (intercourse wasn’t even an option) and defended Jessica Simpson who’s not a favorite in Dallas right now after the Cowboys lost the playoffs:

Dear Dallas and Surrounding Areas,

This isn’t a sports blog, and it isn’t a publicity stunt. (but have at me if it feels right.)
This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.
I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas. I don’t really follow sports, but I have played some of my biggest and best concerts in your state, and having witnessed how dynamic the spirit there is, I’m betting emotions are running high right about now.
All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)
I just thought it would mean something coming from the guy who has the absolute least to gain from this. And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.

JM

Actually John Mayer has everything to gain. The guy was caught hitting on Ricki Lake who then publicly dissed his game with the ladies. So, really, John Mayer has nowhere to go but up. I heard a girl said “Hi” to him on the street the other day. John Mayer ran home with tears of joys in his eyes and called his sister. When he told her the good news, she said, “Johnny, I know. I was the one who said ‘Hi’ remember? You spent 30 minutes yelling at me to stop covering my face with a stray cat. Wait, how’d you get this number?”

Photos: Bauer-Griffin
superficial

  1. Voodoo

    I heard that they are selling Voodoo dolls in Texas with her likeness on them. I want one, too, they sound like a lot of fun. I want to stick something in this bitch, too.

  2. D. Richards (Bastard.)

    Yeah, Jessica Simpson’s first, and foremost, a singer; she’s an actress; she has endorsement deals with different things, most notably ProActiv; out of all those things, she’s most recognizable by her love for Texas.

    How depressing for her.

  3. Tapeworm

    Stop defending the airhead bimbo. She’s a mental midget and we all know it.

  4. steve

    “but have at me if it feels right.”

    Whoops, how did that one slip in? It’s what he used to say to Jessica right after lubing his ass.

  5. Troy Aikman

    Asshole. He starts right off with a low blow:

    “I have never known anyone to have more pride in their home state and their upbringing in it than Jessica Simpson has in Texas.”

    Total cheapshot.

  6. this is almost interesting! oh wait, no it isn’t.

  7. Original draft

    “As a floppy haired homersexual, I don’t really follow sports, but I have given some of my biggest and best blowjobs in your state, often to those large fellows on your various ball teams.”

  8. Mandy

    I think “have at me if it feels right” was the line he tried on Ricki Lake. Her reply: “*Snort!*”

  9. Alli

    I think that was sweet of John Mayer. He didn’t need to say anything. I think that shows they parted on friendly terms.
    Love you JM!

  10. Doomhammer

    I bought this guys CD, and I swear halfway through the first song I started growing a vagina. True story.

  11. Harry

    Two days after the playoffs, and Tony Homo was reportedly pimping his way into some golf tournament. Dude totally could care less about football or team. He’s all about his own celebrity.

  12. Andy

    I hope this helps Jessica stay with Tony. She really belongs with a guy who’s already used to putting his hands between somebody’s buttcheeks and encountering balls.

  13. p0nk

    “that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person”

    …and all this time i thought it was her tits.

  14. Snarf

    People in Texas need to realize that Jessica Simpson isn’t the cause of all their sports problems.

    Fucking idiots must think that this is the first time anyone in Sports has ever had a girlfriend/wife in the stands.

  15. BunnyButt

    #10, Now you need to listen to something that will help you grow a dick…

    (Sorry, I had to. I just had to.)

  16. Tycho Brahe

    That woman is a bimbo, pretend celebrity and cancer to her boyfriend’s careers…. as a John Mayer fan, I am glad that he is done with her.

    Classy move on his part to “come to her defense”, but probably not a good idea to remind people that he was “hitting that” on a semi-regular basis.

  17. willy

    Everyone knows that the Cowboys suck ass, tony romo sucks balls, and cowboys fans suck ass and balls. I don’t know a single person outside of Texas who doesn’t 100% agree with this statement. Mayer just wants in on the ass and/or ball sucking.

  18. jrz

    Holy shit….her mouth isn’t hanging open in any of these pictures. HOLY SHIT!

    (nice coat, bitch.)

  19. Swishy

    “but have at me if it feels right.”

    “This is about doing what I think is right as a person, in this case speaking my mind.”

    “All witty barbs, blogs, and fashion policing aside, that girl loves Texas more than you know.”

    “So please don’t try and take that away from her. (You probably wouldn’t be able to, but it’s less work for all involved.)”

    “And if I’m out of line in having written it, too bad. I can spare a Wednesday’s worth of bad press if it means sticking up for a good soul.”

    He must have tossed his head a lot when writing this. TT’s comments have a lot more testosterone in them, even the ones where he’s admiring some girl’s panties.

  20. Way to go with the 12 dead pythons hanging from your forearm there, snake killer.

  21. Jessica Simpson’s the cause of the Cowboy’s losing as much as Brittney Spears is responsible for the writer’s strike…

  22. Ript1&0

    Now John Mayer, on the other hand, is TOTALLY fucking hot. C’mon – a guy who is nice, funny, and incredibly talented… who would not want to go out with him??

  23. I LOVE JOHN MAYER

    I don’t care what anyone says; I love John Mayer. His Continuum CD is the best! And for Jessica; can’t say much about her except I hope she dummies up soon!

  24. doomhammer

    Actually Bunny, if thats your REAL name, I was growing said vagina beneath my dick, thank you very much.

    In retro, I should have just grown the damn thing complete. Then when someone says, “hey doom, go fuck yourself!” I could say, “ok, I will”.

  25. sheri

    wow you people seem jealous

  26. tubesock

    John Mayer is a whiney, dickless, ass hat.

    His music makes me want to hit someone with a tack hammer, mostly him.

    Mothers love your daughters? Grrrrr. I think daddy loved Johnny a little toooo much.

  27. beesknees

    I have to say I love her jacket!

  28. sheri

    wow you people seem jealous

  29. Gerald_Tarrant

    LOL@17. You got that right.

    After looking at Jessica, hearing her sing, seeing her act, listening to her talk, I can only surmise that her sole reason for being on this planet is for sex. Sadly though, judging by everything else she does, she’s probably bad at that too. Dead fish.

  30. Auntie Kryst

    I wonder what America’s history (and map) would have turned out to be if Gen. Santa Ana had Jessica on his side at the battle of San Jacinto? I shudder to think of what could have been…

  31. BunnyButt

    Auntie, the outcome would’ve been the same since Jessica would be completely useless in such a situation (or just about any other). And, with that bright blonde hair, she would’ve been an easy target and probably would’ve been picked off pretty early in the fight. Yep, that sounds about right.

  32. Gerald_Tarrant

    But jefe, it’s not our fault that we lost the battle, we had this blonde puta

  33. Sauron

    Are they still playing cowboy and indian in Texas?Maybe they are angry on her because she doesn’t look like the average squaw.

  34. #23 – Despite what you may believe, it’s impossible to blow him from here. In other words, no one gives a flying fuck.

  35. BunnyButt

    It’s my impression that a lot of white folks out west (in Texas, particularly) still don’t like the native people much, so Texans would count Jessica’s non-squaw-like appearance in her favor.

  36. gertie

    she is hotter than hell

  37. Auntie Kryst

    I screwed that up didn’t I? I had her on the wrong side. I figured if the Mexicans had her on the sidelines cheering for the Texan forces, Sam Houston would have been distracted and couldn’t control his team’s offense.

    Jessica: “Go Sam go! Remember the…the…umm I forgot.”

  38. EuroNeckPain

    My mother used to wear the same coat in the sixties. But back then, it was elegant. At least no one would have had a décolleté down to the belly button.

  39. Puritan Assmilk

    lol @10

  40. NeoCleo

    Mayer is not remotely approaching “ugly” in appearance nor could one apply that term to Simpson. Now “stupid” and Simpson could be paired and probably would be an accurate description. Stupid and yet she’s made more money in 5 years than I’ll make in a lifetime. What a world!

    As to Mayer’s sexual orientation, in what way is this a relevant comment? In fact, the comments for the most part here and contained elsewhere in this blog are highly irrelevant.

    Oh, wait, it’s gossip not discourse. Silly me.

  41. I would hit that so hard her sister would feel it

    http://pulp-pictures.blogspot.com

  42. Doomhammer

    Its only a fucking joke neo. Lighten up Francis.

  43. Casey

    This whole thing is so ridiculous. I wish people would lay off. Jessica Simpson seems like a nice enough person, and duh, it takes more than a quarterback to win football games.

    And John Mayer is very nice for doing what he did. I can’t believe how mean spirited you people are!

  44. Hecubus

    “have at me if it feels right”

    Sweet, thanks. You suck and your lame cheesy dull middle of the road commercial pop rock ‘music’ makes me want to snatch your guitar from your stubby little mitts and smash you in your ugly goblln face with it until your chubby little gap clothed body ceases twitching.

    Thanks man, that felt soooo right. I need a cigarette.

  45. havoc

    I’m in Texas and he’s an idiot.

    So is Jessica Simpson for that matter.

    .

  46. BunnyButt

    Auntie, I think both the Mexicans and Texans would’ve been too distracted by Ms. Simpson’s blond hair and big bazoombas to fight. This battle would’ve ended in a draw. Difficult to predict what would’ve happened after that…

    Neo, Casey, etc., please look at the name of the site. What were you expecting??!?!?

  47. Notverymuch

    “that girl loves Texas more than you know. It’s one of her most defining traits as a person. ” …yeah… and that is supposed to be a good thing HOW?

  48. Jess

    Are these recent photos? If so,

    SHE’S HOT AGAIN!!!!!!

    Was concerned there for a while with the brown hair, droopy boobs, and fish lips.

  49. DanTheMan

    Is that Adnan Whatsisfuck behind her?

  50. im still laughing

    most of the times the posts here are amusing but today i am STILL laughing at what the superficial guy said about john mayer hours later!!!! looooool

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