John Mayer: ‘Dumping Jennifer Aniston was like burning the American flag’

John Mayer is the cover story for the latest issue of Rolling Stone where he opens about his love life to absolutely no one’s surprise because it’s John Mayer:

On Jennifer Aniston:
“I’m the asshole. I burned the American flag. I basically murdered an ideal.”

On relationships:
“All I want to do now is fuck the girls I’ve already fucked, because I can’t fathom explaining myself to somebody who can’t believe I’d be interested in them, and they’re going, ‘But you’re John Mayer!’ So I’m going backwards to move forward. I’m too freaked out to meet anybody else.”

On Tiger Woods’ problem:
“If Tiger Woods only knew when to jack off. It has a true market value, like gold bullion. I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.”

Two things:

1. You broke up with the most frigid bitch in the celebrity world. You didn’t destroy “America’s sweetheart.” You just proved you didn’t like sticking your penis in an icebox, Osama Bin Ego.

2. I’m glad someone else thinks masturbating solves everything. For a while there I thought I’d be the only one pants down during a nuclear attack going “C’mon, this sounded so good on paper…”

Photo: Rolling Stone