John Mayer breaks up with Jessica Simpson; thinks she’s a loser

September 6th, 2006 // 53 Comments

Jessica Simpson’s fling with John Mayer is reportedly over despite People magazine’s claim that they were “in love.” A source from Mayer’s camp told Us Weekly that the relationship “was a 2 her camp spun into an 11.” Mayer has supposedly lost a lot of respect for his brief fling and “now he will stay away from her. He thinks it’s desperate. An attempt for her to stay in the spotlight.”

You can’t get much lower than being dumped by the world’s ugliest man because he thinks you’re pathetic. That’s like a dog about to hump your leg but deciding not to because he’d rather do it with the couch. And who’d blame him? That soft supple leather, those delicious curves. You’d be crazy not to pick a couch over Jessica Simpson.


  1. combustion8

    I like this guy now.

  2. Morticia

    Good for him.

  3. combustion8

    ….and first.

  4. happy_bunny

    That’s what you get with the Christian chicks. You barely touch them they take it as a marriage proposal.

  5. katfacewoman

    Ewwww….how mortifyingly humbling. Makes my stomach hurt! I like him a lot, but I kind of feel sorry for her…like how you feel when you see the prom queen trip and fall face first….

  6. jrzmommy

    I still have no idea who this John Mayer guy is…he looks like something from “Where The Wild Things Are” by Maurice Sendak. He sounds like he’s pretty fucking full of himself whoever he is.

  7. Hopeless_Screenwriter

    Couch humping is highly under-rated.

  8. Maybe he got tired of her chewing on his dining room table

  9. PUSSAH!

    Man Jessica Simpson is really coming out n the wrong end of the Nick and Jessica break-up. But John Mayer is insane.

  10. Cat

    @6 – Holy shit, you’re right! He looks exactly like something from “Where the Wild Things Are.” That is fucking awesome! I wonder if he does children’s birthday parties? My niece loves that book.

  11. combustion8

    Mayer is incredibly full of himself, I heard a radio interview with him a couple years ago, very arrogant… maybe she laughed at the size of his cock.

  12. RichPort

    Give Katie Couric her hair back.

  13. babydollz217

    ew eff John Meyer, who the hell likes him? and when were they going out?EW! Jess has WAY more better taste that him!

  14. jrzmommy

    more better.

  15. “Couchophilia”

    Betrayal, jealousy, anger, and white, hot passion. All the necessary elements of the classic love triangle between man, woman, and couch.

    Lights up slowly and softly on a living room scene. Some smooth R&B plays faintly. A couch, plush with pillows, is center. After a moment, Jimmy comes in, dressed to kill, with a sly smile on his face.

    Jimmy: Hello there.

    Jimmy saunters up to the couch and throws himself down upon it. He lays his entire body in sensuous positions on the couch. Squeezing its pillows. Stroking its arms. Running his legs up and down the sides of the cushions. His pelvis

  16. shoof

    I love it. Jessica’s PR team’s efforts to boost her publicity obviously backfired. I dont blame John Mayer one bit. If I was him I wouldnt want to be connected to that train wreck either. And for the record, he’s hot as fucking hell.

  17. JohnniePolo

    To hell with the couch , you want to screw something leathery do Nicole Richie.

  18. @15

    Wow, I love your story, it is better than some of the erotic stories we have submitted to our site.

    The twisted truth about couch love, finally the story can be told.

  19. @17 Johnnie: Good point. I’ll work on the screenplay.

  20. @15

    Wow, I love your story, it is better than some of the erotic stories we have submitted to our site.

    The twisted truth about couch love, finally the story can be told.

  21. DancingQueen

    Wow, so does this mean that People Mag LIED about Jessica being “in love” with that Lurch looking mo-fo? Shocking! I was also shocked to see that photoshopped pic of Nicole Ritchie in that same People mag where it looks like she’s a freaking skeleton in a bathing suit. They actually have it in there as if it were a real photo! Boy are they gonna get sued big time! Dumbasses.

  22. radio4play

    hahaha suddenly I want to see the hunchback of Notre Dame again and root for the freak!

    oh and #15 that was some serious stuff, i like it!

    dip dip

  23. saltpeanuts

    I wonder if her body was his wonderland, or was it his cum dumpster?

  24. biatcho

    all is right with the world for the second day in a row. I actually love seeing Jessica Simpson falling flat on her face more & more each day more so than I do seeing it happen to Clit Hilton.
    Paris is Paris, she’s always been like that and she’ll get hers eventually (sooner than we think).
    But FatAss Simpson used to be normal and let her fame go to her head and got way out of control and needs to be belted around, preferably in the diaphragm region, until she bleeds all of her fat away.

  25. biatcho

    oh and I hear John Mayer actually dumped her because she only said she’d fuck him if they got married and/or he pushed for her to headline his next tour. Clearly both concepts would frighten the living shit out of any male musician worth a dime. That pussy ain’t worth a dime.

  26. @22 radio: Thanks

    It sure beats blowing 50 bucks on dinner and a movie!


  27. Tim

    John Mayer was, once upon a time, very cute. He’s still a very talented artist, though, and seems a little too smart to date Jessica.

    Has anyone heard the new album? Can you say “awful?”

  28. Spunkbubble on J. Alba's chest

    Whenever an ugly guy bangs a hot broad it gives us average looking guys hope. Next time I see Jessica in the club I might dazzle her with my magic. If I can get by her bodyguards in one piece.

  29. I have a Theory….

    Considering Dukes of Hazzard tanked, and her new CD has sold fewer copies than the last Tara Reid DVD it is my opinion that the only people who give a shit about Jessica Simpson are the editors of PEOPLE and STAR magazines since they are always sticking her tired old ass in their magazines.

  30. LoneWolf

    A few observations:

    When did Jessica Simpson turn into Faith Ford (“Murphy Brown” and “that-show-with-Kelly-Rippa-that-I-can’t-remember-the-name-of-and-don’t-know-if-it-still-comes-on-but-I-don’t-think-it-does”)?

    Mayer makes total chick music that no one with an ounce of testosterone in his body would listen to unless he was trying to get laid (in fact, I *have* gotten laid to that pap, more than a few times).

    Jessica’s back to her original m.o. – attaching herself to a singer who’s more famous, popular, and successful than she is. Only this time, Mayer had more sense than Nick and nipped it in the bud.

    Carry on.

  31. lisad71

    That expression on her face makes her look like the bastard child of some backwoods hillbilly and Elmer Fudd. She is getting fat and nasty and can’t sing to save her life. She was the perfect first guest for the new “The View”.

  32. Obviously, the “2″ in this Mayer dude’s book was just enough to get him some publicity. I sure didn’t know who the hell he was. If trying to fuck her ass is such an embarrassment for him, he shouldn’t have been desperate enough to be seen with her at all for the free spotlight time for himself (desperate is as desperate does).

    I’ve never listened to either of these rejects’ music. And thanks to all the airhead bitches putting these fugly guys in the spotlight, CSI is featuring both Frankenberry here and Spedersperm in episodes this season. Thanks, Britney and Chestica, for fucking up my favorite show. They’ll need to rename it, from “CSI:Crime Scene Investigation” to “CSI: Cunt Skank Interpretations.”

  33. biatcho

    I don’t know any music by John Mayer but I do know that he was on an episode of the Chappelle Show, hanging with Dave for one of his hilarious skits (you know, seasons 1 & 2…not the latest season). Mayer might be ugly, but Chappelle pretty much rules. Jessica Simpson is a fat broad.

  34. ellaminnowpea

    uh…yeah….she’s a loser….and your point is?????
    John Mayer is on his way to bigger and better things….like bloating up further to become a float in the upcoming Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade….he’s definitely living ‘large’ these days……

  35. bakismaki

    JS is sorta overrated lookswise when you think about it. Besides her boobs, which are fantastic everything else is overrated.

    Ass = nothing special

    Face = okay, but I’ve never been able to get past her manly chin

    Legs = Okay, but nothing special

  36. LL

    Does Jessica Simpson not see how orange she is? If her hair was a little more green, she’d be the hottest Oompa Loompa ever. Seriously, stop fake tanning! Christ, I can’t find any sympathy in my heart for people who expect the rest of us to refrain from pointing out how very, very creepy they look. Yeah, Mayer (or however you spell his name), looked pretty chubbed out in that picture of them, but at least he doesn’t look like he has a horrible liver disease. People are not supposed to be orange. Embrace your whiteness. White is better than orange any day.

    Oh and mad props to #15. That shit was funny… now do one about a bean bag chair.

  37. James

    I’ll take her lol. She needs a smart guy like me who knows alot. I definitely wouldn’t mind having an attractive blonde who isn’t as sleazy as Ugliera or Hohan.

  38. ya she is the loser in this breakup, like how is she gonna do better than Nick?? Crazy chick.

  39. Jessica has now been linked to Grimace McDonald. Jesus, who won’t she date to sell a few albums!?

    Check out it out fresh off the press:

    Jessica Dates Grimace McDonald

  40. KelKel

    Nick paid him to say that…with Jess’ money

  41. The only thing Jessica Simpson had going for her until recently was her hair. And I mean literally, the ONLY thing. Now that’s gone too, replaced by ugly helmet hair. I’m sure John Mayer must have some sort of hair fetish, because there’s no possible other explanation for why he would have dated her at all.


  42. Is she wearing a wig?

  43. Naid

    I’ve been a big fan of JS since she came out, but she’s really let herself go, in a couple years she’ll be as bad as britney, if not worse. Married to some trailer trash loser, pregnant and barefooted.

    Bad jessica for dumping nick, BAD BAD BAD! At least he put up with your dumb ass and loved ya for who you are !

  44. John Mayer happens to be one of the most talented guitarists and composers the music industry has ever seen. To think that he ever found ANYTHING in common with the slutty blonde ditz is absolutely preposterous!

  45. RichPort

    #15 – Excellent. I do think fucking a couch would be a lot more entertaining than trying to keep it up with this icy bitch.

  46. Pizzikatie

    What the hell is a “2 her camp”? WHat?!

  47. courtkneeyo

    john mayer once said. i will only date a woman who can speak proper english and punctuate correctly… sew it on a pillow kids!

  48. Jess may have the looks but Mayer has the TALENT. He wouldn’t want any of Jessica’s untalent to rub off on him, so he’s made the right move.

  49. BoutrosBoutrosGhali

    Dessert Treats are on CLEARANCE at Walgreens….

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