John Travolta’s Baby Will Destroy Us All

March 11th, 2011 // 46 Comments

At only two months old, John Travolta and Kelly Preston‘s new baby Ben was already flying planes back in January. Since then he’s taught himself the piano and will probably move on to advanced military strategies if I’m reading this right. Extra reports:

“The baby was playing this tiny piano we got him, and we were so blown away!” Preston said. “A lot of times kids will bang it, but he was using his fingers.”

While Scientologists have a long-documented history of pulling shit straight out of their ass (See: The New Yorker exposing the church’s penchant for rampant forgery including L. Ron Hubbard’s military records.), I think it’s safe to say we’re witnessing the early years of their new Messiah. I mean, Christ, he’s flying planes and playing pianos at barely half a year old! I can’t even tie my own shoes without making two bunny ears and I’m 31. At this rate, we’ll find out he cured AIDS with nothing but LEGOs before his first birthday, then moved on to levitating and firing laser beams out of his eyes just in time for the Terrible Twos. Of course, by levitating I mean John will toss him out a window based on church prophecy because he’s a Scientologist and those people are fucking idiots. “Golly gee, Mistah Kottah, they told me this baby could fly, so I didn’t think it would hurt nothin’, Mistah Kottah. I thought he’d flap his wings or somethin’. — By the way, I’m gay.”

Photos: Getty, WENN

superficial

  1. alexandra

    first!

  2. Rhymes with Winning

    Maybe the baby’s next big move is inventing a cure for male pattern baldness? Either that, or how to use the toilet.

  3. slappy magoo

    Nice to see Husk of a Mom and Sham of a Dad are doing so well.

  4. IreneWienne

    While I am happy for them; seriously, every baby is unique. They are so full of it.

  5. Eh most parents i know brag about their babies like they’re big-time little Einsteins. Playing piano using his fingers versus banging it with Tonka toys, well that *is* pretty coordinated. They’re just glad this kid isn’t special needs. Have one of those and see how much you appreciate a normal child/

    • slappy magoo

      Didn’t they already do that?

      • That’s what i mean. They not only had a spec needs kid but then after all that hard work the kid has an accident and dies. So wtf let them gush over this one.

        And really is it necessary to bust on his religion and sexual orientation *every* Travolta post? Who here said he champions gay rights?

    • Richard McBeef

      if revolta was balls deep in amway he would get ripped on for it.

  6. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    Jay
    Commented on this photo:

    yeah yeah yeah, like every other parent doesn’t find something to brag about their kid.

  7. Cher X

    Awww…look.

    The baby even tightened their faces.

    • Bucky Barnes

      John says it’s a myth that anal sex causes crow’s feet. The trick is to keep your eyes open while you’re getting pounded. It does make your hair fall out, though.

  8. ThisisnotTigerWoods

    Nice legs Kelly. You’re lookin’ hot.

  9. nikki

    azzwipes delete my comment, so eff u. unfollowing ur gay site

  10. But does the baby know yet that it’s father is a turkey baster?

  11. testington

    these people are fucking creeps, they sicken me.

  12. “A lot of times kids will bang it, but he was using his fingers.” Why do I get the feeling this is not the first time this has been said in the Travolta household?

  13. So how long until THIS progeny starts artistically ass-raping my childhood by starring in unnecessarily rebooted films I was once fond of?

  14. Weren’t these two also pretty proud of their first kid? How did that work out for them?

  15. Colin

    He’s smart? There goes that Jett reincarnation theory…

  16. Eric

    Is his head just swelling more and more with each passing day? Man, that thing is as big as a pumpkin.

  17. Kodos

    Travolta is fading fast… that face looks like sh!t.

    Kelly, on the other hand…. dayumm!
    Clearly she is the superior ingredient in this genetic sandwich…

  18. Ross

    I wonder if the kid has a shitty hair piece yet?

  19. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    Ryan the Canadian
    Commented on this photo:

    Another hairpiece! Anyone nuts enough to wear a wig will believe/make up anything. I mean if this paragraph:

    “This Solo-audited level is the first step a Clear takes toward full OT abilities, and that first step is a fresh causative OT viewpoint of the MEST universe and other beings.”

    makes sense to you, you need to be in a padded room with the following items:

    Clipboard (not held by you)
    Padded Walls
    Straightjacket
    6 foot chain
    Hanibal Lecter Mask

    Creepy people in Hollywood. I trust Charlie Sheen more than this man though….bit of a stretch but…..

  20. Aggie

    Cure AIDS eh? I doubt that, only because AIDS is often associated with the gay community, and NO SCIENTOLOGISTS ARE GAY. None. Not one. Not even the one you’re thinking of right now.

    • I love you guys

      Correct. So in fact, what the scientologists are curing is GAY.
      “They’re gonna get that gay right outta your hair…”

  21. Order your Hairpiece&Mascara&Beard Porta-Closet online!
    Now with more Scientology!!

  22. Iveski's Wife

    Scientology produces baby with hyper-intelligence! And by ‘scientology’ I mean fertility drugs. And by ‘hyper intelligence’ I mean mutant powers.

  23. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    Commented on this photo:

    he’s starting to look like Peter Griffin

  24. the captain

    this bald freak uses more make up & toupets than joan collins!!

  25. Anon

    So sad to see a woman who tries (acts) so hard with a man who’s dead in the face. So sad. You have one life. Why didn’t her parents train her better? And is it really worth it? Rhetorical. Fuck celebrities.

  26. SeaOrg Lifer

    Obviously the Scientologists have swapped their *real* baby for a body thetan-free superbaby from the LRN jedi center

    Only question is whether they’ve told Travolta or not

  27. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah but when will the kid be able to take on Mothra? The poor Japanese have been suffering long enough.

  28. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    Crankybitch
    Commented on this photo:

    What happens when they walk away from the cameras? Does Kelly breathe a sigh of relief, taking off her sexy clothes, throw on some sweats and relax while her husband heads to the “spa” for some juicy young men?

  29. ethereal

    Loved The New Yorker article. Take that Xenu and that Tom and that Miscavage and that Travolta… no reply from any of them. COme to think of it, Cruise is ‘dyslexic’ (read, retarded) and probably same for Travolta. Low IQ and all….

  30. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    bangbang
    Commented on this photo:

    wtf he doesn’t look human at all Oo

  31. John Travolta Kelly Preston Baby
    LM
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes I do have the mother-ship parked behind the moon. And we are gonna push the moon close enough to start beaming some of you up for dinner.

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