John Travolta’s Baby Will Destroy Us All

At only two months old, John Travolta and Kelly Preston’s new baby Ben was already flying planes back in January. Since then he’s taught himself the piano and will probably move on to advanced military strategies if I’m reading this right. Extra reports:

“The baby was playing this tiny piano we got him, and we were so blown away!” Preston said. “A lot of times kids will bang it, but he was using his fingers.”

While Scientologists have a long-documented history of pulling shit straight out of their ass (See: The New Yorker exposing the church’s penchant for rampant forgery including L. Ron Hubbard’s military records.), I think it’s safe to say we’re witnessing the early years of their new Messiah. I mean, Christ, he’s flying planes and playing pianos at barely half a year old! I can’t even tie my own shoes without making two bunny ears and I’m 31. At this rate, we’ll find out he cured AIDS with nothing but LEGOs before his first birthday, then moved on to levitating and firing laser beams out of his eyes just in time for the Terrible Twos. Of course, by levitating I mean John will toss him out a window based on church prophecy because he’s a Scientologist and those people are fucking idiots. “Golly gee, Mistah Kottah, they told me this baby could fly, so I didn’t think it would hurt nothin’, Mistah Kottah. I thought he’d flap his wings or somethin’. — By the way, I’m gay.”

Photos: Getty, WENN