John Travolta Has Magic Hands

February 8th, 2011 // 47 Comments

Apparently there’s more than just talk of slave labor in The New Yorker’s 28-page Paul Haggis interview/Scientology expose. Josh Brolin also contributes an anecdote about turning to the church out of desperation, only to realize everyone in it is fucking crazy after seeing John Travolta try to heal Marlon Brando with his hands. No, really. Via The Fab Life:

Later, Brolin saw the wonder of Scientology in action at a dinner party in L.A. When movie legend Brando arrived with a cut on his leg sustained helping a stranded car, Travolta informed him that he had reached a new level of Scientology, put his hands on Brando’s leg, and attempted to heal him of his pain. We seriously need a cigarette after this story; that’s how good it is. “I watched this process going on—it was very physical,” recalls Brolin. “I was thinking, This is really f—ing bizarre! Then, after ten minutes, Brando opens his eyes and says, ‘That really helped. I actually feel different!’”

So let me get this straight: Scientology teaches men that they can walk around rubbing other men, very physically rubbing them, and it will heal them of their wounds? Wow. I don’t even want to swing at that. It’s just too easy. And yet…

MAN: I’ve been shot!
TRAVOLTA: Step aside! Magic hands are here.

MAN: I’m having… a heart attack…
TRAVOLTA: Healing rub: Activate!

WOMAN: I’m going into labor.
TRAVOLTA: …. My arthritis!

Photos: Splash News


  1. BigJim

    Anderson Cooper said something about him having magic fists.

    • MLVC

      Sweet Allah…that is the fucking greatest thing ever posted on this shitty site. Thank you for making me chuckle this morning.

      • MLVC, your rights have been revoked. Do you go on youtube and look up songs and listen to them repeatedly to leave comments on how much you hate it? most likely, huh?
        and you haven’t seen the post of Xtina fucking up the superbowl.
        THAT was the greatest thing posted on this sh..eerly wonderful site.

        .. omg I will never get on most important people on the internet list.,

    • matti

      lol very nice

  2. pessimism

    I still can’t believe people buy into this. I really should start my own faith. The only requirement being you pay me $5 monthly to absolve yourself of sin. I’d be rich in no time. We could meet once a month under a highway overpass and drink lemonade out of dixie cups, then eat the cup to show your devotion.

    • Richard McBeef

      I love eating the cup. Well not eating the whole thing, but I do like to chew the edges of disposable cups after drinking the beverage. Is there a website or something yet? How do I sign up?

  3. Burt

    Is that his pilot or his Scientology uniform? ;)

    • Richard McBeef

      The only way to tell is to look at the back. The scientology uniform has a trap door to his ass in case Xenu comes and the gerbils have to beat a hasty retreat.

  4. John Travolta
    Commented on this photo:

    nice rug!

  5. eldore

    what a lovely rug..

  6. boudin

    hence the reason why they insist that the nay-sayers are involved with pedophilia. they need to accuse others of something worse than their apparent shame of being closet homos.

  7. When mixed with Scientology, jazz hands and spirit fingers become enhanced.

  8. Kisses4Katie

    FUSHIGI !!!

  9. Steve

    Scientology says: “Go Packers!”

  10. that man knows how to handle balls

  11. BigJim

    I can just imagine that while this was going on Brando whispered into Travolta’s ear: “Get the butter.”

  12. Dankin

    This is the only middle aged man i know than plays dress-up to fly a fucking plane. You don’t need the outfit to be a pilot dumbass. How’s the replacement kid?

  13. RoboZombie

    Ever notice that these Co$ guys really like to dress up in uniforms?

  14. alex

    Ok Fish, I know I’m gonna get smacked for saying it but dude…

    You’re reporting news from other gossip sites (as usual), so I think we, your loyal readers, (the people who support you with lots of clicks) deserve a modicum of editorial oversight. In other words, and with all due respect, please read your posts for stupid grammatical errors before posting. It really improves the experience of coming here. (Could YOU understand this sentence if it were standing alone? Josh Brolin also contributes an anecdote about turning to the church out of desperation, only to realize everyone in it is fucking crazy after seeing John Travolta try to heal Marlon Brando his hands.)

    And as for the story itself, I know a lady that is a “spiritual healer” and she says most of what she does is make the person believe they are being helped and the brain does a “mind over matter” thing.

    • Mike Walker

      It’s just one missing word you nimrod.

      • JA

        Or: It’s just one missing you nimrod.

        Or: It’s just missing word you nimrod.

        Or: Is just one missing word you nimrod.

        Or: People who type things for a living should know how to do it.

      • alex

        Yes Mike Walker, that was my point. Fish is recycling news and adding (usually) funny comments above and below the story, so I didn’t think it was too much to ask that he at least give us full sentences. Got it?

        So Mike, you assume its one word. (Maybe its not.) And what could that word be? WITH is probably correct. Or it could be missing more, for example, “…to heal Marlon Brando’s BANANA-SIZED hands.” Or possibly, “….to heal Marlon Brando WITHOUT his hands.” Or my favorite, “….to heal Marlon Brando BY REMOVING his hands.”

    • Guest1-7

      And technically, Brolin was quoted as saying Travolta attempted to heal him of his “pain” not his “wound.” That’s a pretty big difference too because the wound may still be oozing puss, but all Brando is quoted as saying is that it FELT different.

      CO$ are still loonies though. Has anybody played F-Zero on the old Nintendo SNES. That race is exactly like the description of the Marcab Confederacy car races.

      From Wiki, attributed to Miller, Russell (1987). Bare-faced Messiah. Michael Joseph books. pp. 280. ISBN 0-7181-2764-1. :

      They were also keen on motor racing and every once in a while Scientologists undergoing auditing “will run into [memories of] race tracks and race-track drivers”. Hubbard described this in some detail in a 1960 lecture:

      They had turbine-generated cars that went about 275 miles an hour (443 km/h). They ran with a high whine. I notice they’ve just now invented the motor again. And they had tracks that were booby-trapped with atom bombs, and they had side bypasses. The tracks were mined, and the grandstands were leaded-paned.[5]

      The tracks were deliberately designed to be as dangerous as possible, with “a mountain that you went up to the top of and fell off”, and death was commonplace. This, however, was not a problem, as Marcabian medicine was so good that nobody ever died permanently. According to author Russell Miller[6], Hubbard liked to reminisce to his followers about “how he was a race-car driver in the Marcab civilization”. One of the people who accompanied him aboard his private fleet in the late 1960s described Hubbard’s stories of life with the Marcabians:

      LRH said he was a race driver called the Green Dragon who set a speed record before he was killed in an accident. He came back in another lifetime as the Red Devil and beat his own record, then came back and did it again as the Blue Streak. Finally he realized all he was doing was breaking his own records and it was no game any more.[

  15. John Travolta
    Commented on this photo:

    You try to take this thetan head from me again, and I swear to Xenu, I will grab you with my magic hands and…mmmmm…oh yeah……mmmmhmmm…do it. Try to take it. Just try. Please!

  16. jojo

    So John Travolta had sex with Marlon Brando while Josh Brolin watched? Tom Cruise must have been working the camera. Now thats a quad-fecta.

  17. Lisa

    the hair piece is just so bad…

  18. Well, let’s see. You’re injured…then Vinnie Barbarino starts a homoerotic massage and tells you it will relieve the pain. You bet you’re ass I’m going to tell him it worked..”hey, I feel better already, now how about you get your fucking hands off me”

  19. The Listener

    Faith healing isn’t limited to Scientology. There have been more than a few churches in Christendom that have taught faith healing. This isn’t new at all.

  20. seth rogen's vagina

    If it wasn’t for that snappy uniform, I’d think this was all quackery!

  21. wolfman is horny

    Can you imagine a Hand job from this guy??
    He would probably cure prostate cancer on hand jobs alone

  22. Eric

    Elton John sure got fat.

  23. Gary B

    That must be the pilot uniforms for the DC-9 Space Planes Xenu’s Galactic Confederation used to transport the Thetans to Teegeeack (Earth as it was once known), 70 million years ago.

    Celebs have to be retarded who actually fall for this shit. That is why I gave $30 to JR “Bob” Dobbs and his mighty Church of the Subgenius. At least BOB offers eternal salvation or triple your money back. And it is only a low price of 30 dollars, for 30 you already get the learn the crazy, there is no “bridge” to freedom where you have to pay $250,000 to reach OT-IV.

  24. John Travolta
    Commented on this photo:

    There is a big difference between healing and “feeling better.”

    Healing: John lays his blessed hands on Brando’s leg and the bleeding stops and the gash seals. Like, you know, in science fiction movies.

    “Feeling better” can come from anything: heat, ice, pressure, drugs, sex, talk therapy, and yes, probably even the soothing, sensual man-touch of Travolta. If Brando held a kitten he would have felt better; does that make the kitten a healer?

  25. mensa


  26. CS

    What? No Travolta-style “happy ending”?

  27. John Travolta
    Commented on this photo:

    2011 village people auditions

  28. weevil

    the older this man gets, the creepier he not only looks but acts. *uck!*

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