John Mayer Needs Dating Advice

October 7th, 2011 // 43 Comments

Apparently John Mayer‘s Johnny Depp cocoon state involves self-reflection as much it does Panama hats. Despite the fact his life has been a walking poon buffet that at one point involved Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jessica Simpson before they started eating their feelings and a post-divorce Jennifer Aniston, he’s now seeking out dating advice and trying to figure out why he just wants to have sex with women instead of getting involved with their emotions and conversations about shoes. Clearly there’s something wrong with him. Via Celebuzz:

After making headlines for all his breakups, the “My Stupid Mouth” singer decided to seek out some real relationship advice from VH1′s Tough Love host, Steve Ward. Steve tells Celebuzz that he bumped into Mayer at a VH1 Save The Music Foundation event last year and was surprised when the singer pulled him aside to get intimate advice about why his relationships have all fizzled.
“When he had me alone, John asked me what I thought about his love life, so I told him point blank, ‘I think you got a chip on your shoulder, man. You’re pissed off about your childhood or being bullied, and now you unfortunately take it out on women.’”
John was apparently taken aback, but Steve continued dish the singer some tough love.
“I told him he had to realize that he had won. He was ten times more successful than the next most successful person to come out of his high school. And odds are, they had to graduate to be that successful. I told him, ‘If I were you, I’d pat myself on the back, and let go of it,’” he recalled.

JOHN: Steve, Steve-a-rino, need a little help.
STEVE: Can I promote myself with it?
JOHN: Yes.
STEVE: Hit me.
JOHN: I need a way to more easily dump women without even pretending to give a fuck about them as human beings.
STEVE: Hmm… What if I gave a public statement saying how you were bullied in high school which prevents you from being able to emotionally attach to someone? You’re like an abandoned puppy.
JOHN: Can you throw in that I have a nigger pass?
STEVE: I’m, uh, I’m not comfortable saying that.
JOHN: Had to ask. So, did you like the fourth Pirates movie? I just love making those.
STEVE: I.. wait, what?
JOHN: Tim Burton! Buddy! There you are. *hugs a plant*

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Flynet

superficial

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    • Jesus Lovesu

      Bible New Testament Matthew Chapter 24
      M’t:24:1: And Jesus went out, and departed from the temple: and his disciples came to him for to shew him the buildings of the temple.
      M’t:24:2: And Jesus said unto them, See ye not all these things? verily I say unto you, There shall not be left here one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.
      M’t:24:3: And as he sat upon the mount of Olives, the disciples came unto him privately, saying, Tell us, when shall these things be? and what shall be the sign of thy coming, and of the end of the world?
      M’t:24:4: And Jesus answered and said unto them, Take heed that no man deceive you.
      M’t:24:5: For many shall come in my name, saying, I am Christ; and shall deceive many.
      M’t:24:6: And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.
      M’t:24:7: For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.
      M’t:24:8: All these are the beginning of sorrows.
      M’t:24:9: Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.
      M’t:24:10: And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
      M’t:24:11: And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
      M’t:24:12: And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
      M’t:24:13: But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.
      M’t:24:14: And this gospel of the kingdom shall be preached in all the world for a witness unto all nations; and then shall the end come.
      M’t:24:15: When ye therefore shall see the abomination of desolation, spoken of by Daniel the prophet, stand in the holy place, (whoso readeth, let him understand:)
      M’t:24:16: Then let them which be in Judaea flee into the mountains:
      M’t:24:17: Let him which is on the housetop not come down to take any thing out of his house:
      M’t:24:18: Neither let him which is in the field return back to take his clothes.
      M’t:24:19: And woe unto them that are with child, and to them that give suck in those days!
      M’t:24:20: But pray ye that your flight be not in the winter, neither on the sabbath day:
      M’t:24:21: For then shall be great tribulation, such as was not since the beginning of the world to this time, no, nor ever shall be.
      M’t:24:22: And except those days should be shortened, there should no flesh be saved: but for the elect’s sake those days shall be shortened.
      M’t:24:23: Then if any man shall say unto you, Lo, here is Christ, or there; believe it not.
      M’t:24:24: For there shall arise false Christs, and false prophets, and shall shew great signs and wonders; insomuch that, if it were possible, they shall deceive the very elect.
      M’t:24:25: Behold, I have told you before.
      M’t:24:26: Wherefore if they shall say unto you, Behold, he is in the desert; go not forth: behold, he is in the secret chambers; believe it not.
      M’t:24:27: For as the lightning cometh out of the east, and shineth even unto the west; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
      M’t:24:28: For wheresoever the carcase is, there will the eagles be gathered together.
      M’t:24:29: Immediately after the tribulation of those days shall the sun be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars shall fall from heaven, and the powers of the heavens shall be shaken:
      M’t:24:30: And then shall appear the sign of the Son of man in heaven: and then shall all the tribes of the earth mourn, and they shall see the Son of man coming in the clouds of heaven with power and great

      glory.
      M’t:24:31: And he shall send his angels with a great sound of a trumpet, and they shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from one end of heaven to the other.
      M’t:24:32: Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When his branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is nigh:
      M’t:24:33: So likewise ye, when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors.
      M’t:24:34: Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled.
      M’t:24:35: Heaven and earth shall pass away, but my words shall not pass away.
      M’t:24:36: But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only.
      M’t:24:37: But as the days of Noe were, so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
      M’t:24:38: For as in the days that were before the flood they were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, until the day that Noe entered into the ark,
      M’t:24:39: And knew not until the flood came, and took them all away; so shall also the coming of the Son of man be.
      M’t:24:40: Then shall two be in the field; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
      M’t:24:41: Two women shall be grinding at the mill; the one shall be taken, and the other left.
      M’t:24:42: Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.
      M’t:24:43: But know this, that if the goodman of the house had known in what watch the thief would come, he would have watched, and would not have suffered his house to be broken up.
      M’t:24:44: Therefore be ye also ready: for in such an hour as ye think not the Son of man cometh.
      M’t:24:45: Who then is a faithful and wise servant, whom his lord hath made ruler over his household, to give them meat in due season?
      M’t:24:46: Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing.
      M’t:24:47: Verily I say unto you, That he shall make him ruler over all his goods.
      M’t:24:48: But and if that evil servant shall say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming;
      M’t:24:49: And shall begin to smite his fellowservants, and to eat and drink with the drunken;
      M’t:24:50: The lord of that servant shall come in a day when he looketh not for him, and in an hour that he is not aware of,
      Mattew 24:51: And shall cut him asunder, and appoint him his portion with the hypocrites: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.

      ALL THESE THINGS AND MORE ARE HAPPENING AS WE SPEAK!PLEASE GO ALONE TO YOUR ROOM AND PRAY TO GOD BY YOURSELF,TELL HIM YOU WANT TO KNOW
      HIM ASK HIM TO HELP YOU AND PRAY THIS PRAYER.
      DEAR LORD JESUS OR LORD YESHUA PLEASE
      I BELIEVE IN MY HEART AND CONFESS WITH MY MOUTH THAT YOU ARE THE SON OF GOD LIVED A SINLESS LIFE AND DIED ON THE CROSS TO PAY FOR THE SINS OF
      THE WORLD AND ROSE AGAIN AFTER THREE DAY AS THE EVERLASTING SAVIOR! I CONFESS I AM A SINNER PLEASE WASH AND CLEANSE ME IN YOUR BLOOD AS I
      REPENT FOR MY SINS. DECLARE AND EXCEPT YOU AS THE LORD OF MY LIFE PLEASE PROTECT, GUARD AND SAVE MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS! THANK YOU LORD I
      RECEIVE YOU COMPLETELY INTO MY HEART AND LIFE PLEASE SPEAK TO ME LET ME HEAR YOUR VOICE AND GUIDE ME! HALLELUJAH!

    • cc

      I was going to narrow it down to ‘hang yourself’ but sure, leave the method up to him.

  1. Bubba

    Best piece of advice I can give to you, John–Stop being John Mayer.

  2. TetterkeT

    Stop eating pussy: it causes throat cancer!! Try sucking dick instead.

  3. Joys of roughing

    The only advice that would work is something like similar to this, in Dr Ruth Westimer’s accent: “Shut the fuck up about who you banged.”

  4. John Mayer Dating Advice VH1 Tough Love
    love&lust
    Commented on this photo:

    i want him so BAD!He is the definition of Man.

  5. Joys of roughing

    (like) edit

  6. Stop dressing like a homeless guy, get a haircut, shave and put out a new CD. Then hang around the hotel bar.

  7. TomFrank

    “Steve Ward told everybody about our conversation? God…I feel so raped.”

  8. Hey, stupid… poor guys don’t have the option of paying for premium tail that leaves before the ink dries on the cheque (or jizz on the face… whatever). There’s your advice.

  9. JC

    John: Stop pretending you’re a real bluesman and go back to playing the gutless crap pop you started your career with. You won’t have to commit to the 13 to 15-year-old girls who will get their panties slick over that because the only “committed relationship” you can have with them is called “statutory rape.”

  10. John Mayer Dating Advice VH1 Tough Love
    omfg
    Commented on this photo:

    You should be a writer for one of those teevee shows or something. If your writing style had a Facebook page, I would “Like” it. And probably “poke” it once a week in the off chance it would realize that I’m the only thing missing in its life and maybe land myself a weeknight quickie.

  11. Scully

    if he drops 50 more pounds, the transformation to Marc Anthony will be complete.

  12. Michelle

    With those sunglasses on, he’s kind of got a whole Johnny Depp vibe going on there. But, that being said, he could NEVER be another Johnny Depp…

  13. AdriaMC

    Bullshit.
    But thanks for using that fine as hell picture.

  14. boy

    his music is terrible. pure garbage.

  15. John Mayer needs to go shut the fuck up while he goes to shut the fuck up.

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  17. Steven Stiffler

    That sounds like a lot of *WORK*

  18. John Mayer Dating Advice VH1 Tough Love
    barbosa
    Commented on this photo:

    john mayer is looking seriously hot!

  19. erin

    This makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside. John Mayer is such a latent-homosexual, woman hater.

  20. Veronica

    Anyone that fucks him is cursed.

  21. Anonymous

    Is it true that John took a dump on Jessica Simpson? kinky.

  22. Martin

    I believe he is gay and trying to hide it. It’s for sure he don’t like women and choose every opportunity shove mud in their face. White women are dumb sluts for having any thing to do with him since they are his taget.

    • truthhurts

      Being gay is a choice. A lot of people in Hollywood are probably gay or bisexual. Whatever is the forbidden fruit is what people are attracted to. It is probably not right to say that someone is homosexual unless they live that lifestyle. Anyway, in my opinion, narcissism and homosexuality go hand in hand. Sometimes when people “have anyone that they want” and they tire of that, they go on to perversion.

  23. Drea

    Burrrp.

  24. Hmmm.

    The guy he admitted he tongue kissed Perez Hilton. There’s nothing LATENTLY homosexual about that. Pretty upfront that he likes dudes, he just hasn’t reconciled. Yet another reason why Aniston is a dumb bish. Any woman that goes crawling back to that is a desperate nim rod. Then again, him dating her ruined his cool yet quirky musician cred in a major way. Worst coupling since Liza and david guest.

  25. Hmmm.

    ^ oh, and Mayer is Liza. Lol

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  27. Burt

    He’s smart. At heart, he’s bluesman, but he understands that it doesn’t have the commercial appeal of pop. So, he wrote pop music to get his foot in the door and now that he has loyal fans, he can play pretty much anything he pleases.

  28. Mel

    Long a Mayer is single empty headed starlets will hang around his door. When he hook up with a lady or heaven forbid marry a stupid lady because he need a beard, watch his fan numbers drop drastically. Women want to marry a so call star then divorce their ass and sue the shit out of them because Hollywood marriage don’t last AT ALL. Mayer definitely got a load of bad karma coming his way.

  29. Jasmin

    My ex boyfriend and John Mayer have the same birthday…They act exactly alike…I know for a fact now that my ex was into dudes…he basically admitted it to towards the end of the relationship…he has some weird gay love for his father as well and wants to be just like him…thank god were not together anymore I just feel sorry for his current beard.

  30. John Mayer Dating Advice VH1 Tough Love
    Jimmy the Jay
    Commented on this photo:

    Us thiniks he needs more than dating advice.

  31. truthhurts

    Love is sacrifice and doing what is right despite your feelings. Most men will try to get together with a women who is beautiful, successful, etc. but do little to improve upon themselves. They feel that they are entitled to the “best of the best” and don’t even understand what love is. Love means loving someone without expecting more in return. Yes, it is true that you receiving love as a gift from someone is important in a relationship; however, giving love to someone in the context of a marriage, even when the person is undesirable is what real love is all about. Even people who are physically attractive become less so over time, but loving someone unconditionally is at the heart of real love. Marriage is really the foundation, in a romantic relationship, to developing pure, unadulterated love. Many people “trash” their spouses because “their needs are not being met.” Don’t be a selfish pig all your life, and learn what real love is. It is a committment to love a person in the context of marriage no matter whether they are attractive or not, successful or not, or desirable or not. You love no matter what.

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