Joel Osteen is Probably Matthew McConaughey’s Evil Twin Brother

Joel Osteen is the worst. If there was ever a better time to call this guy on his shit it would be now. In case you aren’t aware of Olsteen’s M.O. it’s pretty simple: he runs a WWE Smackdown-sized congregation in Houston, TX in an old basketball arena and makes something like $77 million a year off of “contributions” from televangelism. He lives in a $10 million house and looks like Matthew McConaughey’s evil twin brother. He directly panders to those struggling with addiction, sickness, and poverty (literally his words) because they’re the dumbest group of voters (literally Donald Trump’s words).

Since hitting Texas a few days ago, Hurricane Harvey is being called Katrina times three and probably the biggest natural disaster this country has ever seen. Instead of opening up his 16,800 capacity thunderdome of salvation to give his followers shelter, the facility remained locked and empty. As of this writing, there are some pictures of a handful of air mattresses inside a hallway within the church, but the fact that it took until midday on TUESDAY (Harvey made landfall last Friday) to utilize AMERICA’s BIGGEST CHURCH as a shelter is fucking absurd.

Throughout the storm, Joel Osteen continued tweeting his usual “God will only make you healthy if you give him money and be a good Christian” dribble as news of his empty church began to go viral. Eventually the Lakewood Church released a statement saying that they planned on opening up the $100 million facility once all other shelters hit capacity. That’s other shelters run by other christian denominations, jews, buddhists, muslims, people who actually watch the Astros, aaannddd atheists…

Let’s let that sink in.

The guy who makes tens of millions of dollars a year off of bible thumping “God’s will” into poor people’s desperate lives wasn’t planning on jumping in until, ya know, those heathen schools, convention centers, libraries, and churches of other religions fill up first. Just to put that into perspective, the Islamic Society of Greater Houston’s 21 mosques have been open as shelters since it started getting windy last week and I think it’s a safe bet that they’re probably not operating out of any facilities that used to be sports arenas.

So what good comes out of this? For those of us who don’t believe Jesus was involved in making our breakfast this morning, we probably already recognized Joel Olsteen as a profiteering charlatan fraud who preys on prayers – who wins in this? Nobody wins, that’s the point. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if Olsteen’s attendance triples following this catastrophic storm because the kind of people he takes advantage of aren’t the kind who follow news on Twitter… God damnit.

Lakewood_interior
CREDIT: Lakewood Church interior via Wikipedia commons