Joe Francis is having a really bad week. First he was arrested on Tuesday for criminal contempt, then on Wednesday he was indicted for tax evasion, and now he’s being charged with bribing a jail guard and possessing prescription medications in his cell.
According to court records in Florida, Francis offered the guard $100 for a bottle of water on Wednesday evening. When guard turned him down, Francis showed him $500, investigators said. Jail inmates are not allowed to have cash. Supervisors then searched Francis’s cell and discovered 16 prescription medications, including Lunesta – a sleeping pill – and the anti-anxiety medication lorazepam, court records show … He wept as his mother blew him a kiss as he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.
That has to be the saddest bribe in the history of bribes. $500 for a bottle of water? Other prisoners are trying to score drugs and weapons, and this guy wants a bottle of water. He might as well put flowers in his hair and wear a sign on his back that says ‘Insert Here’ with an arrow pointing down.
Danner | April 13, 2007 at 7:57 am
What an idiot! LOL
HerpesHilton | April 13, 2007 at 8:00 am
And just think, this man is a friend of AND has had sex with Paris Hilton. He most probably has herpes too! It’s just not his year.
clairargent | April 13, 2007 at 8:03 am
Okay, what kind of idiot turns dowm $500 for a bottle of water?
tits_on_snack | April 13, 2007 at 8:04 am
This guy has the face of a world-class douche. I don’t even know a thing about him and I want to kick him in his tiny gray weiner.
-Stormy. | April 13, 2007 at 8:08 am
“He might as well put flowers in his hair and wear a sign on his back that says ‘Insert Here’ with an arrow pointing down.”
Finally – some copy that made me chuckle again.
Thanks ‘fish.
tits_on_snack | April 13, 2007 at 8:10 am
Oh and hey, just as I was about to say “Thank you superfish” for getting rid of the bullshit fucking PETA ads, I realize that the “Holly Madison” ad is a fucking piece of PETA propaganda. Doh.
Fifth Stooge | April 13, 2007 at 8:13 am
Once a douche, always a douche.
Zoey | April 13, 2007 at 8:15 am
What kind of bullshit pre-booking searches do they do in Florida?
Officer : “You got anything on you?”
Perp : “Naw, man.”
Officer : “OK.”
-Stormy. | April 13, 2007 at 8:16 am
Haven’t seen baked bean teeth like these since “The Library” episode of Seinfeld.
thewriteguy | April 13, 2007 at 8:23 am
Good Lord doesn’t this guy have a decent lawyer and accountant to sort this out for him? The government just wants its money.
cerwin18 | April 13, 2007 at 8:24 am
lol #8
DrunkBlogger | April 13, 2007 at 8:28 am
Now that’s what I call a sticky situation! …or a fucking idiot.
honeycombs_big_yeahyeahyeah! | April 13, 2007 at 8:33 am
What, how do you get into jail with your pimp roll intact? Good on the guard though. The satisfaction of fucking with this entitled dicksmack is surely to God worth more than 500 smackaroonies. Just to see Joe’s crestfallen look upon refusal, when you know he thought the guard would fall all over him. I mean his usual currency is trucker hats and low-end tank tops and he gets lesbian orgies in return. $500 for a 7-11 bottle of Poland Spring probably seemed like a done deal.
The longer I look at that picture the punchier I feel. Honeycomb want smash!
murmurzz | April 13, 2007 at 8:48 am
This makes me happy.
beifiori | April 13, 2007 at 8:48 am
how the hell did he get ALL of those meds in his cell unless some guard smuggled them in for him…seems to me there should be more than one person in jail in this case…and what a sad, pathetic little worm he is. how can people with so much money be so incredibly flat out stupid?
diarrhea riot | April 13, 2007 at 8:55 am
Joe Francis is clearly a walking “prison wallet”.
Redrum | April 13, 2007 at 8:58 am
Joe’s first need when he gets out will be a proctologist–who will then refer him to a spelunker.
Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy…
gatorgirl | April 13, 2007 at 9:02 am
#3 I totally agree – the biggest fool in the story is the jailer who makes $10.50/hour turning down $500 for a bottle of water! He could have been a thousandaire by the end of the weekend! Geesh!
Superfish | April 13, 2007 at 9:05 am
dude, if that was me, i woulda took the $500, got him TEN bottles of water, and i’d have three new pairs of shoes right now. all the same brand, just in colors Red, Blue and Orange.
Voracious | April 13, 2007 at 9:07 am
Some of us have a little something called morality. If I were a prison guard and this PIECE OF GARBAGE offered me money I would say no too.
I’d tell him it was my pleasure to watch trash like him suffer (if I were allowed to).
Superfish | April 13, 2007 at 9:07 am
#15, he took them through his ass. i guess he misunderstood the sign on his back that said “insert here” and thought it applied to his sorry ass too
Spindoc | April 13, 2007 at 9:22 am
His face just looks like he has had so much work done. Men should not get facial surgery, it never looks right.
Conky | April 13, 2007 at 9:23 am
Joe should change his name to Earl. Talk about karma, lol.
sympathee | April 13, 2007 at 9:26 am
It had to catch up with him sometime.
golfinfreak | April 13, 2007 at 9:27 am
Just remember that if the guard took the money and got caught, it probably would have meant his job. Smart man. Besides, who knows how many diseases that money had on it.
snfu | April 13, 2007 at 10:01 am
can we say douchebag?
Superevil | April 13, 2007 at 10:09 am
If I were that guard I’d have took the $500 and then pissed in his face.
diarrhea riot | April 13, 2007 at 10:13 am
Joe Francis’s Ass=Prison Wallet.
iamsosmrt | April 13, 2007 at 11:12 am
HAHAHAHAHA What a giant fucking PUSSY!
And this is coming from a woman. He takes all that medication which shows how incredibly weak he is. All these bitch assholes who act like tough manly guys are ALWAYS the biggest sissy babies. Prison will show what a man is made of and clearly this ass donkey is made of shit. He cried his little eyes out so hard that he got dehydrated. FUCK YOU JOE FRANCIS. If I was his Mom I would have adult aborted his ass but, his Mom blew kisses at him.WhAt the FUCK? Does she know what he’s been doing the last few years.
Note to all mothers do not caudle your little boys because this is the shit they will turn into. Obviously the freak has some major Freudian Mommy issues since he is so fracking obsessed with THE BOOBIE. This is only the beginning of the KARMA!!!
Dank | April 13, 2007 at 11:16 am
#3- the same kind of idiots that dont search a guy and let him get in with 15 fucking bottles of prescription meds. Jesus christ guys, its all searching the inmate. 15 bottles. Holy shit.
Dank | April 13, 2007 at 11:22 am
#13 what in the blue hell are you sayin?
whitegold | April 13, 2007 at 11:42 am
I would imagine that is the same face he’d be making while having his cellmate “insert here”.
whitegold | April 13, 2007 at 11:45 am
#29 – how can you insult him for crying? If you were him, you’d be crying to when the judge sentenced you back to your jail cell, essentially saying “Spikes dick is getting cold, time for you to go keep it warm again”.
HughJorganthethird | April 13, 2007 at 11:46 am
Is there video of him weeping? Cause that’s gold I tell ya, gold
HughJorganthethird | April 13, 2007 at 11:49 am
Uh # 33 try reading the comments before slagging them. She says she is woman so I doubt she would be in cell with “spike” and his dick.
Nice try though.
whitegold | April 13, 2007 at 11:56 am
#35 – What the fuck are you talking about? I never said “she” would be in the cell with Spike, I said he’s going back in his cell with Spike, and if #29 were him (and thus she’d be a man, in that case), then she’d be crying too. I’m just trying to get her to empathize with what must have been going through his mind.
Why do I have to explain something so stupidly simple. Fuck. That was annoying.
iamsosmrt | April 13, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Either way I would not be crying because I would have killed myself a long time ago if I was him. He deserves it so it’s funny that he was crying and it shows that he is a total pussy because I’m pretty sure a lot of men have NOT cried in his shoes and I bet some of them were innocent and in no way looking forward to being someones bitch.
MAN UP Josephine and hold it together, if you don’t want to be some guys dick massager then maybe crying like a little girl isn’t the best idea. Nor is it a good idea to have a bunch of drugs and sleep aids, unless you WANT to be violated.
I love watching retards who have no concept of “consequences” get life’s precious lessons served to them right up the ass. Karma is a bitch and so is Joe Fancis.
Dan | April 13, 2007 at 1:14 pm
Yeah yeah, after his mother blew him the kiss (?!?) and the guards were taking him back to his cell, I bet a lot of the other dudes were, like, blowing him ass rapings.
onecritic | April 13, 2007 at 1:17 pm
Why does he have LIP INJECTIONS!!!!! His upper lip looks ridiculous! Is he even a man??? WTF!!!!
p911gt10c | April 13, 2007 at 1:27 pm
Reap the whirlwind Joe Francis.
REAP IT!
Truthseeker013 | April 13, 2007 at 1:41 pm
Maybe he’s really a nice guy who just wants a little love, affection and understanding. And anal lubricant.
eXtasyStef | April 13, 2007 at 3:58 pm
JFLTC.
Or he’ll learn to. Either way, it’s all good.
I agree with #29. Karma is a bitch, and now Joe is going to be somebody’s.
anothershityear | April 13, 2007 at 4:00 pm
#34 great idea, a new taped video series
“Douchebags Gone Limp”
watch these prison co-cons strip 500-bucks out of their wallets for a water bottle!
(tinged with guard-urine)
btw some funny-ass remarks for this story
and honest-to-thor next-time DK updates their Visual Dictionary, shouldn’t they use his picture under the entry for “douchebag”
i don’t even know anything about him, except that Sarah Silverman calls him “Uncle Joe”
andrewthezeppo | April 13, 2007 at 4:53 pm
well the guard would get in trouble if he took the money and got caught, plus he was able to add onto the sentence of Joe Francis…awesome!
WTFiswrongwithUppl | April 13, 2007 at 5:45 pm
You all crack me the eff up. This fuckass is getting his come-uppance in SPADES. I LOVE IT!!
I’m doing the HAHA HA HA dance just like Marcy D’arcy
CarnieWilson | April 13, 2007 at 6:50 pm
How desperate is that? I bet he even offered up a sexual bribe too, “Okay I’ll give you $500, the lunesta in my pocket, and a blowjob for that fuji water over there.”
NicotineEyePatch | April 13, 2007 at 8:32 pm
And here I thought other people would bring forth charges. He’s doing an awesome job of exposing himself for the greasy dirtbag that he is without any help at all.
That’s it, Joe, keep fucking yourself, get that hole stretched open nice and good! Pretend it’s Spring Break and grab your ankles. Yeah, that’s it! Grab your ankles!
Karma – Bitch Goddess Supreme.
Thomas the Wrapper | April 13, 2007 at 11:28 pm
is there anyone who deserves to be butt raped in jail more than this guy? a certain amount of irony/karma in him being taken advantage of in prison. The only thing that could make this even better would be to have someone videotape it and charge money for it. TEE HEE
HughJorganthethird | April 14, 2007 at 8:06 am
Thanks for explaining that #36. Maybe you should put down the crack pipe for a bit and take a nap. You sound a wee bit stressed.
Voodoofoxx | April 14, 2007 at 11:14 am
Ok freaks.. take it from someone who lives in the county he`s currently staying in. Apparently the pills and $$ came about after a “meeting” with his lawyer. He didn`t bring it into the jail himself. he isn`t that smart folks come on now. You are giving this looser more credit than he deserves!
Even better on the cover of yesterdays Panama City News Herald, you get to read about him crying in court and telling his Mommy that he “didn`t do it!”. Plus there are photos of him hiding his face with papers, in shame! This is the greatest thing I have ever seen.