Joe Paterno Is ‘Retiring’ Now

“Had I known stopping a man from raping small boys would have affected me personally down the road, I probably would’ve done a little more,” is what’s about to be said here.

After early reports tipped Penn State’s hand and revealed they were planning to remove Joe Paterno over his piss-poor handling of former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky systematically sodomizing 10-year-old boys using the university’s facilities and a charity as a smokescreen, the once-legendary coach announced his retirement this morning because now’s the time to do the honorable thing not when kids were getting raped in the shower. “That’s prime hemming and hawing time,” Joe Paterno says. ESPN reports:

“I am absolutely devastated by the developments in this case. I grieve for the children and their families, and I pray for their comfort and relief,” Paterno said in a statement released just after initial reports confirming his pending retirement.
“I have come to work every day for the last 61 years with one clear goal in mind: To serve the best interests of this university and the young men who have been entrusted to my care. I have the same goal today.
“That’s why I have decided to announce my retirement effective at the end of this season. At this moment the Board of Trustees should not spend a single minute discussing my status. They have far more important matters to address. I want to make this as easy for them as I possibly can.
“This is a tragedy. It is one of the great sorrows of my life. With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I had done more. My goals now are to keep my commitments to my players and staff and finish the season with dignity and determination. And then I will spend the rest of my life doing everything I can to help this university.”

Let me be perfectly clear on this: Photo Boy is an exemplary employee, not to mention one of my closest, most trusted friends, but if I found out he was raping kids, I’d immediately be on the horn with the cops instead of simply telling a supervisor and ignoring handfuls of anecdotes involving child rape while I went back to focusing on my legacy. My incredible, incredible legacy. In fact, Photo Boy hasn’t even raped anybody, and I still called the cops on him this morning just in case. That’s how much I care about kids.

Photo: Getty