Joe Jonas Made A Sex Tape? With A Girl? Bahaha! Good One, Internet.

March 22nd, 2013 // 23 Comments

“I said, I want you in me.”
“….”
“I can see a tear forming in your eye. I know you heard me.”
“Goddammit…”

Before we get into this, let’s take a moment to appreciate the fact that not only does Joe Jonas have a “girlfriend,” but her name is Blanda Eggenschwiler. Blanda. Eggenschwiler. If I was writing an Archie comic, this is what I’d name the local egg baron’s daughter before making her kidnap all of Riverdale’s puppies to make a coat. Anyway, apparently the two of them made a sex tape that’s about to be leaked online provided it even exists which Joe Jonas’ rep is adamant it doesn’t. But if it does, here’s what would be in it, according to Blind Gossip:

At the beginning of the video, Joe and Blanda are sitting on the bed together. They are both drinking and smoking pot, and Blanda explains to Joe what she is going to do to him in detail.
They proceed to engage in multiple sex acts utilizing a variety of sex toys, including a large dildo, a gag ball, and a slapper paddle. Joe participates willingly, but seems less sure of how to use the sex toys, as well as how they will be used on him. He does not enjoy being paddled. At one point he has had enough and cries “Owww! Don’t do that anymore!” Blanda is the more dominant one in the video. At one point she inserts the dildo inside of herself, orders Joe to “lick my p**** juice off of it,” and he complies.
The couple is very vocal and there is a lot of overly dramatic screaming and moaning. The sex is explicit, and there are multiple close-up shots of Joe’s face, penis and testicles, as well as Blanda’s face, breasts, and vagina. In between sex acts, they consume shots of alcohol. The video looks as if it was shot over the course of several hours, and some scenes were shot multiple times, so we do not know which takes will appear in the final cut.

So, we all agree if this happened it’s because her brother was the cameraman? Okay, good.

Photos: GADE/AKM-GSI, Splash News

superficial

  1. As in “He DIRECTED” one? Or, “He SAW one”? I’m so confused Fish, I can’t think of any other meaning to that headline.

  2. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    Juch
    Commented on this photo:

    So when did Kris Jenner become his manager?

  3. Rob

    He licks a dildo? Sounds legit to me

  4. Deacon Jones

    This going to be good.

    +1 for a hypocrite self-righteous Christian at least sleeping with the opposite sex.

  5. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “you’re GOING TO TAKE THAT DILDO UP THE ASS WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!”

    “Please do! opps, I meant “don’t”, “don’t”! “

  6. Oh my God, that “Archie comic” line was excellent. It took me a long time to move on to the rest of the article.

  7. Dirty Like the Others

    Go big, or go home. Jesus Christ! When I was reading the description, I was starting to wonder if a midget covered in mayonnaise & a gas powered fucking machine would make appearances in the film.

  8. Cock Dr

    It reads as if this woman Blanda certainly seized the moment she saw her possible ticket to fame and fortune.
    We can now pray to the great El Gordo in the sky that it’s all true.

  9. So he has sex with a girl yet still manages to do something gay? I’m honestly not surprised.

  10. That girl sounds awesome despite her stupid name. It’s great when girls talk dirty.

  11. WhaWha

    Do some of those “toys” include Joe’s Easy Bake Oven and Barbie Dream House?

  12. “…so we do not know which takes will appear in the final cut.”
    So this is something they did TOTALLY on purpose and we should be awaiting the theatrical release. Right?

  13. I doubt that anyone gives two shits about him one way or the other, but she looks like she might have something to offer. Like really nice naked body parts.

    • Cock Dr

      I confess that I would love to watch the Fraulein give it to a former Disney ringbearer good and hard.

  14. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    tlmck
    Commented on this photo:

    Ann Hathaway is not fooling anyone with that blond wig.

  15. Colin

    Is that Lady Gaga? Because that’s the only reason I’d believe he’s hanging out with a woman who has her girly parts all out.

  16. Did not buy it, but then dildo…so I am not sure.

  17. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    Commented on this photo:

    “Oh my God! Where’s your penis?”
    “In a drawer under my nightstand… Where’s yours?”

  18. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    Jaime
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Angelina to me.

  19. Joe Jonas Girlfriend Blanda Eggenschwiler Bikini PDA
    BlackManUSAonTwitter
    Commented on this photo:

    “See? It’s not going to hurt you.”

    “Nick lied to me…”

Leave A Comment