This Is Joaquin Phoenix’s 19-Year-Old Girlfriend

November 14th, 2013 // 33 Comments

Here’s Allie Teilz the for realz girlfriend of Joaquin Phoenix who’s supposedly 19 or 20, but also has a history of lying about her age to score DJ gigs. I’ll ready the Chris Hansen signal. Via Bullet Media:

When I was younger I used to work production for arena shows in Vegas and Palm Springs, and I did artist relations for pop stars. On Thursdays after school I would go from school to the airport, fly to Vegas, work the shows from 6am Friday until Sunday at 2am, before school. I had a complete double life and lied about my age, obviously, but I was really getting involved in the music world and starting to meet people. It wasn’t a good world for me being as young as I was.

Of course, if you do the math, Joaquin Phoenix is only six years older than me, and Allie is (theoretically) two years younger than Selena Gomez, so I’m not sure if I have a leg to stand on here. Except I do, and it’s this chick looks 12. She’s a fucking 12-year-old. *shines CH symbol into the sky* Make that bastard take that seat, coiffed avenger. Make him take that seat right over there.

Photos: Getty


  1. Cock Dr

    R those boyz or girls that I’m looking at up there?

  2. This chick is really important enough to get her own post?

  3. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    So, his girlfriend is Aaron Carter circa 2002?

  4. MoozBoy

    My spidey senses are telling me she’s actually 31.

  5. JimBB

    The perfect girl for any celeb who’s ever been on a middle school playground and thought to themselves “Oh yeah, so would.”

  6. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    I can’t explain why, but something about this pic is making me very, very angry.

    • is it the self satisfied, smug grins? Cuz that’s why it’s making me angry.

    • Guessing it is because he looks like a skinnier, even more dipshit version of Shia LeDoofus and also because he is doing the stupid fucking hipster shit wearing a Phil Collins shirt even though he has probably never heard one of his songs. If the pavilion fell on top of them it would be too good a death for them.

  7. so many women he could have.
    But he likes Uggo MacHermaphrodite here.

  8. alex

    That was my thought “dude.”

    He chooses the ugly girl. Good for him.

  9. Think about the fact that Joaquin was 20 years old when this girl was born. Creepy.

  10. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Jiminy Cryptic
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like Allie Teitz don’t have any.

  11. brian

    She looks like an attractive version of Samantha Ronson aka DJ Gargoyle.

  12. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    Fuck Phil Collins

  13. wtf

    An adult dating a teenager is a sure sign that the adult is seriously lacking in the maturity and intelligence departments. Just imagine how much an adult has to regress to be able to relate to and have a conversation with someone that age.

  14. Moira

    Ahh, I remember the older guys that some of my female friends in highschool dated. Those older guys always had dead-end jobs, drove lousy cars, and were all around losers. I never understood why the girls were interested in them, except maybe that the guys could buy alcohol legally?

  15. kery

    I used to be in love with an older guy when i was 16 years old so I understand her besides Joaquin is interesting and the girl is 19 already so it is legal ;P

  16. moore

    Jordan lawlor is actually a very talented musician. He plays for M83…not just some random dude.

  17. poop

    she definitely looks older than selena gomez so what your point?

  18. She looks like a Muppet.

  19. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    The middle age spread has already started.

  20. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    So how many hipsters does it take to “DJ” ?


      why do DJs always look like they are concentrating so hard?! You are basically an AV tech. Anyone who can plug their ipod into a doc and put it on a playlist is a DJ! Why and how is this a job? It makes me so angry. She is probably babysitting and working at starbucks all day and night yet calls herself a DJ. Go to college asshole!

  21. Allie Teilz Joaquin Phoenix Girlfriend
    Commented on this photo:

    Points for getting a 19 year old. Many many negative points for her looking like a 13 year old boy.

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