Joan Collins is old and kind of gross

Joan_Collins.jpg72-year-old Dynasty star, Joan Collins, the woman who all our mothers wished they could be if only they didn’t marry our loser dads and get knocked up on the honeymoon, has finally revealed how she looks so young for her age (pretending, for a second, that she isn’t bald): good genes and frequently swimming in a giant Scrooge McDuck vault filled with make-up.

“I believe in lashings and lashings of make-up. The women I know who have worn it since they were teenagers look better than those who haven’t because it protects your skin.”

So lashings of make-up is all you need to be pretty? Uh, I think Joan Collins may have inadvertently exhibited how time is in fact cyclical, and how she’s gotten so old that she’s regressed back to being in the tenth grade. And a bit of a tramp. All that’s left is for her to make out with Bobby McLeighton under the bleachers, get in trouble for calling Tracy Patterson fat in math class, and then get into a wet and wild catfight with Krystle Carrington in a lily pond. No, wait, that last thing was a scene from Dynasty. In her defence, Krystle was a self-righteous bitch. At least that’s what my mother says when she watches Dynasty re-runs in the dark, reeking of scotch and muttering about what could have been.