Oh Good, Jim Carrey’s Going To Solve America’s Gun Problem With A Silly Song

March 26th, 2013 // 78 Comments
Jim Carrey Cold Dead Hand
WATCH: Jim Carrey - 'Cold Dead Hand'

As most of you know/bitch about I’m pretty liberal and open about how way too fucking easy, not to mention deadly for small children lately, it is to get a gun in this country and that the gun nuts who are obsessed with them are predominantly racist idiots dying for a darkie to break into their house so they can dubble-tap ‘em and think camouflaging that fact with talk of protectin’ ‘gainst TEERKNEE is fooling anybody. So this Jim Carrey Funny or Die video should be right up my alley, but let’s be honest, nobody’s going to watch this thing and go, “Haha! He’s right, I do have a small dick. I hate guns now.” No viral ego stroke is that magical. Although, in fairness, the Sam Elliott impression is technically awesome enough to at least get us some background checks. Is it too much to ask for background checks?


  1. cc

    His impressions are pretty good but I’ve never found him to be especially funny.

  2. JC

    A wacky send up of Charlton Heston? I feel like Mr. Heston hasn’t been very involved with the gun debate lately, possibly due to being dead for 5 years. Real timely stuff, Jim. Now, back to Jay Leno for some more hilarious jokes about “Basic Instinct” and how old people can’t program their VCRs.

  3. Just like Michael Moore fixed it with a silly movie.


    Jim Carrey should stick to making funny movies. Where is the Delorean?

  5. Greg Jones

    In other News, make sure to watch Jim Carey blast fools in his new movie ‘KickAss 2′ which glorify kids using guns….Hypocrisy?

  6. Richard Richard

    So…die, then?

    Has there every been anything funny from “funny or die?” Because I sure as fuck can’t think of anything.

  7. Frank Burns

    Once in an interview I was watching, Carrey explained that the reason so many actors are unstable is that forcing yourself into an emotional state – like actors have to do repeatedly – messes up your head. I guess it also makes you unfunny.

  8. TonyT

    There already are background checks. They want to require them for private property sales as well. Cars kill more, so get ready to get government approval to sell your Oldsmobile, in the future. Never mind that this issue has *nothing* to do with the latest “dances on graves” hoopla from CT. You anti’s crack me up. Bush/Obama have already killed about 300 kids overseas, and swimming pools kill 400 per year. Guns bad, blah, blah, blah.

    • When some looney drags a playground full of kids into a pool and drowns them all, that analogy will work. And in case you didn’t know already, you have to transfer the title of a used car when you sell or buy it, so that govt. approval thing is kind of already in place.

      Just think these things through before you repeat what you read on a message board.

      • so the hundreds of children killed by gun violence in Chicago every year aren’t as important as 30 or so white kids killed in Newton, Ct., simply because those Chicago kids didn’t have the political savvy to get killed all in one bunch? I’m not buying into your theory that if something is the cause of death for children, but only kills them one at a time instead of in bunches, it’s ok and we don’t need to do anything about it.

      • Excellent straw man skills. Now actually read the words I put up there. Or don’t. I could care less. This is hardly the place for a reasoned debate and frankly, you’re hardly the man for it schmidtler.

      • yeah, your strawman argument with somebody needing to drown an entire pool full of kids before any kid’s drowning death matters was just brilliant. nice pompous retard attitude though. you should seriously consider going back to school to get your GED. or turning in your voter registration card.

      • He made poor analogies and I pointed out the flaw. I don’t know what you’re reading into things.

        I’ve seen lots of folks online since the CT school shooting make these flawed assertions. “Oh X amount of people are killed by toaster ovens every year. Does that mean we should outlaw toaster ovens too?” The dude up there made the point about swimming pools. But, unless we turn on the TV and see that someone has committed a mass murder with a swimming pool, those two things aren’t the same.

        You (or the voices in your head) added the value judgement parts of what I wrote. Again, READ the words that I actually wrote. I can’t be held responsible for the things you imagine I wrote and then infer from that.

      • Teddy

        And you are copy and pasting the script right off of Democratic Underground. Your entire argument plagiarized. You, like your kind, have no original thought and certainly no solutions.

        I see below you went right into the inferring racism (another vapid liberal mechanism). Come now…finish it up…you know you want to call somebody a Nazi. It’s your finishing move and the only thing you have left in your bag.

      • I know I’m typing in English. Is it coming through your browser in another language?

      • yeah, it’s coming through as fluent retard. maybe you only think you’re speaking english?

      • No. It’s probably because I give everyone on the ‘net the benefit of the doubt and assume that they’re an adult capable of rational discussion. Unfortunately, I’m usually wrong about that.

        And Teddy, I know you want to paint me as some pinko lefty, but read that screed down there that schmitler wrote about gun violence and ghetto thugs. Actually, read it out loud and see how nutty it sounds. Inferring racial bias in that wasn’t exactly tricky.

        Oh and for the record, I’ve voted Libertarian in the last two elections. So again, I’m not the stand in for the arguments you guys already have ready to go. It’s not my fault that you can’t think.

      • Uncle Phil I like how you are pointing out the flaws with the earlier arguments but you still refuse to actually address them. EVERY DEATH COUNTS, but if you’re going to overlook them unless they are committed en-mass then you are just as much to blame as anyone else.

      • You’re trying to compare accidental deaths in pools to by and large intentional deaths with gun violence. They’re all bad. No one way is better or worse than the other. But they aren’t the same thing statistically, which the brain trust up there seems to not understand, possibly willfully. That was all I was saying. If those 400 pool deaths are intentional and not accidental, then they’re statistically comparable (and extra fucked up at that point).

        Schmitler was masterful with his red herring at turning it into “you don’t care about the children!” So hooray, you managed to get distracted by the online equivalent of someone jingling their keys at a baby. Now I have to teach you all how statistical analysis works? Should I start typing slower so you can all understand me?

      • You’re looking at a very narrow view point of “accidental drownings.” He’s trying to say all *violent* death is a problem. Everyone trying to ban guns are merely trying to feel better, when in actuality *violence* is the root of “gun violence” not guns. It doesn’t matter how someone kills, it’s the fact they do, and why they do that we need to address. Plus you’re blowing off drowning almost immediately, it’s been used as a massacre weapon (Drownings at Nantes). Fix the problem, I know it’s harder, but it’s what needs to be done. Not feeling better.

      • PS you actually almost addressed it but are so focused on what you want to criticize about

        “When some looney drags a playground full of kids into a pool and drowns them all, that analogy will work”

        But when some looney kills people with a knife, smothers someone to death, bombs a building. Is it the knife? The pillow? The fertilizer? Or is it the people?

      • Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil, Uncle Phil!

    • What a stupid comment. You already have to go to a notary to register a car and transfer the purchase to someone else and provide identification to do so. Why can’t re regulate guns they same way we regulate cars?

      • Sorry Craig. Owning a gun is a right that we don’t have to justify to left wing morons. Owning a car is a privilege. Something Dumocrats don’t quite understand.
        When the left stops whining about having to present ID’s to vote and verifying that people are citizens before getting healthcare, benefits and free schooling in this country, then we can talk about making the right to own a gun more of a pain in the rear than it already is.

      • I love this argument. Owning a car is a privilege, but owning a gun is a right. ‘Why is owning a gun a right?’ ‘Because the constitution says so’. ‘But why?’ ‘Because the constitution says so.’

        It’s as bad as saying ‘because the Bible says so’. Saying it is because it is is a shitty, shitty rationale.

      • Freedom of speech is a right. But why? Try again.

      • If you think freedom to say shit and freedom to own an object designed to kill things are even close to comparable, you’re an idiot.

      • You’re an idiot sir. How do you defend freedom of speech? Tell me.

  9. A parody of a show that went off the air two years before I was born. Take that 1970!

  10. schmidtler

    Who is responsible for all the actual criminal gun shootings – NRA dudes that hunt & target shoot, or ghetto dudes that have a loaded Glock in their waistbands at all times cuz they think it’s cool to be a gangsta just like their rap idols? Anyone with a shred of sense understands that since it’s already illegal for children and criminals to own handguns, already illegal to commit murder, that more laws can’t be the solution to gun violence, and it’s not old white dudes that hunt, target shoot and own legal firearms that cause the problem. Maybe, if there were some utopian city where minorities ruled every level of government, and comprised the vast majority of citizens, free from white folks’ interference, there could be a place free of all this gun violence perpetrated by whites who legally own firearms – like Detroit? Or, even better, we can look to a deranged washed up comedian for guidance on the important issues of our times.
    Now, I hope Jim Carrey gets caught sneaking around Emma Stone’s apartment and she shoots him straight in the balls with a .44 magnum.

    • Wouldn’t it have been quicker to type “I don’t like black people”?

      • If you don’t like black people then you love the status quo, where nothing is done to curb the real problem of illegal guns in inner cities, and instead we allow ourselves to be distracted by the screechy arguments that somehow more laws will fix this. I’ve lived very nicely all my life as a minority white in predominantly black / hispanic neighborhoods. Maybe you find it easier to just brand anyone who disagrees with your viewpoints as a racist, just like it’s easier for you to insist that more laws will fix the problem of gun violence, instead of actually trying to do something that will work, but that might require more effort than crying and whining.

      • “I’m not racist. I have black…neighbors.”

      • You white people are trying to be rappers now because you love our culture because you don’t have such a interesting one. So I guess your gangstas too.

      • Juliana

        Uncle Phil, the only person bringing race into this debate is YOU.

      • Copied and pasted from schmitlers original post:

        “Maybe, if there were some utopian city where minorities ruled every level of government, and comprised the vast majority of citizens, free from white folks’ interference, there could be a place free of all this gun violence perpetrated by whites who legally own firearms – like Detroit?”

        Yep. I’m the one who brought race into it.

      • juliana

        It was in a rebuttal to your oringinal post, Phil.

      • Reading is hard but you’ll get the hang of it.

      • Debating properly is hard, but you will get th hang of it.

      • Hon, I don’t know how to make you understand that I didn’t start the race part of this. The posts are time stamped. You’re obviously being willfully dense at this point. Have a great day.

    • It’s not that black and white, although I know that’s how you kneejerk racists love to paint it. Tell me again how many of these school shooters are black? And how many of the firearms involved in those massacres were either illegally obtained and/or unregistered?

      Unfortunately, the “NRA dudes that hunt and target shoot” are no longer the guys who primarily make up the NRA, which most definitely IS part of the problem. I always found Chuck Heston’s Alzheimic defense of it sort of sad, because hell yeah, he grew up in Michigan in a time when there were no automatic weapons, and where you hunted for food as a matter of course. But that was your daddy’s NRA – it ain’t like that no more, and he never saw what was making it change.

      The majority is now representing for the mindest of: “I need my automatic to resist the gub’mit when it tries to take over things”: Lanza’s mother had three weapons in the same house her unstable son lived in because she was certain sure the economy was months away from tanking and she was gonna need ‘em to blow away her neighbors to get to the last carton of milk at the local 7-11. Since the “old white dudes who hunt and target shoot” aren’t in any actual danger of being denied any of the weapons they actually use in those pursuits, and most definitely aren’t dependent on leaving their ID at home while they shop Virginia gun shows to get the latest target pistol from an unlicensed seller, they might consider sitting this one out and not throwing in with the doomsday crazies and the notoriety-seeking whackjobs who want to better the last schoolchild bodycount.

      • Facts

        AAHHAAHAHAHAHA Automatic weapons, at least you know what you’re talking about. #FACTS

      • I’m still not getting this repeated argument that somehow a dead kid’s death doesn’t matter unless he’s one of many killed in one event. Maybe you could visit the homes of parents whose kids were shot and killed and explain to them that their kid’s death doesn’t matter, since he wasn’t killed in a mass shooting spree. The point I’m making, that is being missed, is that if you care about cutting back on the number of kids being killed by gun violence, (a) all the dead kids’ deaths count, even if the kid wasn’t white, and (b) the vast majority of dead kids are being made dead by illegal guns owned by inner city thugs who idolize gangsta thug life, so, (c) the solution isn’t to enact more gun laws, the solution is to stop glamorizing thug / gangsta life, get the guns out of the hands of criminals, and start sensationalizing EVERY gun death, not just the once in a blue moon mass shooting of white kids. But yeah, I’m a racist because I want the actual problem of minority kids being massacred (albeit one at a time) by guns resolved in an effective way. My town had a gun buyback thing this past weekend – 20,000 residents, 2,600 illegal guns turned in. That’s about 1 illegal firearm for every 8 people in this town (less than 5% white). Start coming to grips with the reality that legal guns are not the problem, and the real solution isn’t as easy as whining to your congressman to pass more laws.
        Not one single person has been murdered by a legally owned ‘assault weapon’ since the ban expired many years ago, it’s almost certain you have no idea what an assault weapon even is, but you’re absolutely convinced that a law making them illegal will solve the problem of gun violence. and you wonder why so many people laugh at your ill informed opinions.

  11. knivesarequiet

    what is teerknee?

  12. Fuck Carrey, we need real gun reform. I am all 100% for hunting rifles and pistols but assualt rifles? Come on USA some common sense reforms?

    • do you know what an ‘assault rifle’ is? do you know how many people were killed by legally owned assault weapons in the past 5 years? (answer = zero). whether you think people should or shouldn’t be allowed to own them, the problem isn’t legally owned guns, it’s illegally owned guns. sometimes difficult problems require more effort to solve than screaming at your legislators to pass more laws that only law abiding people will observe.

      • jus sayin

        Yeah right, because no one was EVER killed by a legally owned gun. Gun owners are like religious nuts, you will never convince them that owning a gun is dangerous. Just look at the stats, the USA is far ahead of the rest of world in intentional deaths caused by guns. Japan, which has exceptionally restrictive guns laws has one of the lowest rate of intentional deaths caused by gun. There will always be criminals and thugs with guns, they usually kill each other. Can we change thug and gang mentality? I don’t know, I’d like to think so but I doubt it, but we can change every other freaking American owning a handgun and the deaths that occur as a result.

      • Sure “jus sayin”, why don’t you move to those bastions of liberty like Mexico, Russia and China, who all ban guns?

        Maybe you’re just too dumb to realize you and your fellow libtard lefties lost this argument years ago when the Supreme Court shoved the whole “handguns are evil” arguments down your throats. Now you just want to ban semi-auto rifles because you are afraid of your own shadow.

        Try growing up and not being afraid. You have a better chance of dying in a drunken driving accident than getting shot, moron.

      • jus sayin

        Maybe you are just to damn stupid to get that NUMBERS DON’T LIE. Quite frankly, I don’t give a effing shit what the supreme court ruled. There are lots of dumb ass laws out there and I don’t give a shit if every gun toting buffoon disagrees with me. You can’t dispute what I said because they are the cold hard facts, but if calling me a moron makes you feel better, go for it. I am a mature woman who isn’t the least bit afraid of walking around without a gun or not having one in my home. Now put down that beer, stop scratching your balls and read a book.

      • jus sayin

        oops *TOO* damn stupid

  13. PhilW

    To me, Carrey is an incredibly talent-less douche whose main shtick (at least in every movie I have seen) seems to be throwing himself on the floor and rolling around. That’s not talent, that’s epilepsy.

  14. Yo

    The parity speaks to a persons legacy. If you care about how future generations will think about you then the tendency is to understand how the current generation looks at predecessors.

    I know that is a little “heady” for this blog but I am pretty sure that was Carrey’s point.

  15. Donkey Tits

    Oh good. Ace Ventura (who never even graduated High School) is going to solve allll of our problems. These celebs need to stick to singing and dancing for us and leave politics to someone who at least learned algebra.

  16. amiga

    I love many of his performances (Ace, Mask, Andy Kaughman!) but he has his facts wrong, and so the parody falls flat on sightless eyes. A Twitter and Video rebuttal to him is here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ8AxAqmQdg&feature=player_embedded

  17. TiredOfLiberalDouchebags

    Guess what moron? There are background checks, and if you weren’t too much of a pussy to own a gun you’d already know that. How about you stick to posting pictures of celebs and stop pretending you know shit about anything else?

  18. Eric

    The problem that I have with these gun laws is that we are talking about the government infringing on one of our civil rights to punish law abiding people for the actions of criminals.

    Why should I be prevented from buying an AR-15 to use in a peaceful and law abiding manner, because someone else used one in a non-peaceful, unlawful manner?

    Let me rephrase it this way.

    Why should I be prevented from buying beer to drink in my home, because some drunk driver killed somebody?

    • Yo

      Nobody would care if you drink beer at your house as long as it was purchased legally, your of the proper age, and you don’t beat your spouse or threaten other with your drunken behavior.

      You know, follow all the proper established laws that protect everyone – then you can drink all the beer you want.

      • Eric

        So in other words I should also be able to buy an AR-15 if I purchase it legally, am of the proper age, don’t beat my spouse or threaten others. Right?

        Yo, I guess you missed the point. Preventing law abiding people from buying guns because somebody else used them to hurt someone, is the same as preventing people from buying beer because someone drove drunk and killed some kids.

    • Wait wait wait. We still have civil rights?

    • hamtime

      it’s just this … a beer tastes good; an AR-15 is good for shooting at a fleeing crowd of people.

      One of these things is sort of a personal vice, the other is meant to impose violence on other people. Why do you need a semi-autmomatic in the woods?

      • Eric

        ” Why do you need a semi-automatic in the woods?”

        Why does anyone need a car that can go faster than 55 MPH? Because this is a free country, and so long as I don’t use it to harm another person why should I not be allowed to own one?

        When you get a ticket for speeding, the ticket is punishment for a particular action that you performed, i.e. speeding. It has nothing to do with the type of car that you drive.

        The proposed gun laws do not punish actions performed, they punish actions you MIGHT perform. It is like the government telling us what kind of cars we can own and regulating how fast they can go, to prevent speeding.

      • “Why do you need a semi-automatic in the woods?”

        Um because the technology is over 100years old and is quite prevalent, even paintball markers operate under the principal. Or are you saying everyone should have muzzleloaders? Because that’s asinine.

  19. Scrib

    I remember when Jim Carrey used to funny and relevant…it was sometime in the 90′s I think…

  20. Jim Carey is an expert on tragic death. His talent and career died long ago. Another rich liberal living behind a guarded fence whilst deciding how us “lesser, common” people should behave.

  21. Poor fool. Obviously suffering from brain damage incurred while motor-boating Jenny McCarthy’s enormous silicon filled teats.

  22. Bush Master

    I went to a gun show in Saratoga NY last weekend and there was a sign posted on every table saying that if you buy a modern firearm (non black powder) you must pass a background check. When someone did buy a gun, the dealer called the ATF and gave them all required info (name, address, birthplace, SSN, height, weight, eye color, etc etc) and then the sale was completed.

    Soooo…somehow there is a desperate need for background checks? And if you sell a gun privately to someone you know has a criminal record, I’m pretty sure there’s a law against that too. And you wonder why everyone is going apeshit over new laws, especially bans.

  23. You’re all missing the most important question this video (and issue) raises.

    Is that Kate Upton behind Jim?

  24. someone should shove a shotgun up his ass, but theres probably a penis in the way.

  25. joe cano

    Its all a pointless liberal circlejerk until they are ready to admit that it isnt southern hillbillies and redneck-on-reneck crime that make up 99.9% of gun crimes. But we arent progressive enough to talk about that yet.

    • TiredOfLiberalDouchebags

      Nope. We aren’t allowed to look at statistics and form reasoned opinions about the world around us. It isn’t politically correct.

  26. Ed

    He’s an idiot has-been.

  27. Throb the Wonder Mule

    Typical “hollywood” double standards. HE has armed guards. The unwashed masses don’t deserve the protection he gets.
    FUCK HIM and all the gun grabbin’ losers like him.
    No one gave a fuck when blacks in Chicago were being killed by CRIMINALS (even the POTUS who’s from there!- that’s how ‘black’ he is!) but kill a few (mostly) white kids, it’s a tragedy and we must dismantle our Constitution.

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