Jessica Simpson & Beer: It’s like someone read my Christmas List – then added Jessica Simpson

August 20th, 2008 // 42 Comments

Jessica Simpson and beer commercials: Why hasn’t this happened sooner? Jessica, in her first logical career move ever, is going to be the face of new Dallas’ Stampede Light Plus, according to the Dallas Morning News:

“She’s the face of the brand now,” said Lawrence Schwartz, Stampede’s president and chief executive, who says sales have more than doubled in the past year.
Stampede’s marketing is focused on its vitamin content, which it describes as “functional additives.”
“As an entrepreneur, I am always looking for ways to diversify my portfolio with good ideas and good people,” Ms. Simpson said in a statement. “Yes, I work out and take care of myself, but I also like a cold beer once in a while.”

Vitamin powered beer?! I had to check this insanity out for myself so I hopped over to Stampede Light’s website and holy shit. Apparently, it’s the healthy beer for go-getters who hate elevators but love recycling – which I always thought was illegal in Texas. Who knew? That said, somebody get five cases STAT. I’m dangerously low on riboflavin.

UPDATE: Not only am I deliciously full of energy to tackle the day, but I just shit on my desk! Thanks, Stampede Light!

Photos: Splash News

  1. Caring Ken

    Hillbilly thighs.


  2. ihateemo

    The use of the word “entrepreneur” proves that she did not write this statement herself.

  3. i dont like those big heels she wears

  4. The face of the brand? Great… now they’ll only sell TWO cases this year… unless the bottles are made to look like her naked bossom.

  5. God


  6. michele

    That’s kinda funny that she wanted to be a christian singer like 5 years ago, they turned her down. Now she wants to sell beer to the masses. I’m sure five years from now she will be promoting her own chain of topless bars. Good save now that we can all see that your career as anything other than your shoes are all going down the craper. Yee-hahh!

  7. Matt Adamczyk

    It is worth mentioning that Jessica Simspon is allergic to wheat. Wheat is a key ingredient in beer. That’s like having a slug endorse a brand of table salt.

  8. Alice

    #3 – she’s a midget, and has thick stumpy legs. Heels helps on both counts.

  9. Roger

    Like, the babe helping her out of the car would look better in those shorts!

  10. piss on you

    Faggots and fat cows don’t think she looks good

  11. #7 – Beers use malted barley as the base with most American lagers using corn and/or rice as well (which is what makes them so tasteless). Wheat is only an ingredient in wheat beers, which are relatively rare.

  12. Tapeworm

    But what does all of this have to do with this heiffer’s calf implants?

    Just when you thought she couldn’t increase her self-loathing….

  13. vg902

    love those big thighs, love to pour some beer thru her B crack and lick it
    umm….Thirsty ..

  14. rough daddy

    she should be inspiration to most cows out there,,,she works out,,,great legz…

  15. yourstupid

    Number 11….your an idiot.

  16. Katt

    Damn…I know she works out and has a great body, but her legs are looking a bit manly! Those aren’t calves…those are steers!!!

  17. Dieter

    Her cooter must be bigger than the Astrodome.

  18. wellsley snipers

    Of course faggoty nerds with scrawny toothpick legs think her legs are too muscular.

  19. Romo must want the free beer, to make his sex life easier.

  20. you pizza-faced losers

    Do you limp-wristed pizza-faces feel threatened by women who have more muscles than you? The only muscles you nerds have are in your hands from pecking away at the keyboard and wacking off on your bedsheet from anime cartoons

  21. gotmilk?

    who puts slits in their already short shorts? whore.

    those shoes are ridiculous, so they must come from her shoe line.

  22. Anonymous

    Joe Simpson is really a piece of work. Isn’t he supposed to be a preacher? And now he’s pimping out Chestica for a beer company? She’ll never get by with her “talent” alone, gotta keep her in the public eye somehow.

  23. the truth

    She can buy and sell all of you homely useless bitches

  24. Ted from LA

    Drink Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

  25. mimi

    Let’s all just pray for Amy

  26. Lanie D

    This web page REEKS of jealousy! Kudos for a Dallas guy and a Dallas girl teaming up to represent the BIG D in something we all love – Beer, success and notoriety.

    The jealous dog whines the most and boy do you guys crave what she has!

    I’ll drink to that!

  27. Tina

    Lanie D,

    You realize everyone is laughing at the Dallas guy and Girl, don’t you?

  28. friendlyfires

    Good golly she owns a fifteen percent interest in the company. Free beer for life!
    I’m takin’ Jewel and her rodeo cowboy to Dallas (there’s four hours of my life) for steak and sprouts (guess who noshes on sprouts – hint: not the menfolk!) while loadin’ up on airhead blond touted vitamin-enriched celebrity beer.
    Hoo-dogie, yee-ha, and yippie-ki-yi-ay, motherfucker!

  29. AW is a freak

    “Let’s all just pray for Amy”

    Still don’t get it, do you, mimi? The more you pray, the worse she (Amy W.) gets. You might as well cast a few spells and go to a voodoo shop in the French Quarter.


  30. gia

    boo, i submitted this to you superfish… i wanted my, “thanks to gia whose chest is so spectacular she makes jessica simpson look like an olsen twin,” comment.

  31. britney's weave

    who drinks beer to be healthy? this is the stupidest thing i’ve read in months.

    btw, she looks ridiculous. what in god’s name is she wearing?

  32. Mike Hawk

    How high is she in these pics, she should be endorsing weed outlets…

  33. Bob White

    Always thought she was definately good looking enough but seems to miss it when it comes to the wardrobe department. Why is she wearing short shorts with that top and those shoes? All are decent but together miss the mark. This getup is somehow off. It gives the illusion that she has no pants on…

  34. she’s playing in her new comedy: “IQ-test”!!

  35. FACE

    Comment #10 got it right. She is the hottest overall package in Hollywood. Certainly the best legs and prettiest smile. I would rim her all night given the chance.

  36. Alex

    Best legs? They look like tree stumps – short and thick and lumpy.

  37. jessica

    I am so surprised that Jessica had not removed her profile from that celebs site yet. Oh, god bless. She can get what she wants~~Go Jessica~!!

  38. Jess is a Cute Chubby Chick

    Her knee caps even look fat lol!

  39. Becky

    I got suckered into buying Stampede at Whole Foods one time… The reason it’s so “healthy” is that it only has like 3% alcohol. LAME.

  40. you pizza-faced losers

    Only some homo with scrawny stringbean legs would think hers are fat. Go jack off on your bed again and STFU

  41. ummm...yeah

    I hate you

Leave A Comment