Jessica Simpson’s beer ad assaults both the mind and liver

August 21st, 2008 // 58 Comments

Jesus, that was fast. Here’s the first of presumably many ads featuring Jessica Simpson as the new face of Stampede Light Plus beer. I gotta be honest, this campaign is already headed towards epic FAIL. Everyone knows you can’t sell beer without bikinis. Did the Ten Commandments teach us nothing? Here’s the text for anyone that’s interested and has a high tolerance for dumb:

I work out and take care of myself. But I also like a cold beer once in a while. That’s why I made a smart choice with a smart beer. Stampede Light, it’s beer plus.

Beer plus what? Kittens? A Wii? Hot sauce? Wait, look who I’m asking. Anyway, I highly doubt these are Jessica Simpson’s true feelings on Stampede Light. In fact, here’s her initial reaction:

“If Tony Romo leaves me, I’ll kill myself! GLUG GLUG GLUG! This tastes like Flintstone vitamins and piss – Hit me again. I don’t care how many I drank! I’m the spokesperson I threw up in my cowboy hat and now I wanna drive the truck. Beep! Beep!”

NOTE: Pic links to larger version in case you like hay and/or the faint allusion of cleavage.

superficial

  1. syn

    Hahahaha….”Be Smart”….hahahaha!

  2. YIPEE

    First. I hate jessica simpson

  3. YIPEE

    Damn it; i’m second. Sooo close yet sooo far.

  4. syn

    ….**gasp**….hahahaha….

  5. Dave

    Is it just me or does she look like Fergie in that picture?

  6. Light beer. What a joke. Just means I have to drink twice as much, so that’s the point??

  7. Jrzmommy

    Can she ever shut her mouth? Jesus. Slack-jawed yokel lookin’……..

  8. gobats

    She looks like a fucking retarded redneck. When is she going to drop off the radar im so sick of her face

  9. She looks like a cold dead fish.

  10. sixpack

    Isn’t her 15 minutes up? Either release a sex tape already or just go away.

  11. tight lipped smiler

    She looks like she drank the last sip of backwash with the phlegm and ciggie ashes in it.

  12. sb

    Gotta hand it to her, just when I didn’t think she could look any dumber or more vapid, there you go. Way to keep changing on us, Jess!

  13. Beckinsale's Saggy Diaper

    Her only asset is not on display. So why would a company pay money to use her in ad if the best set of knockers are hardly visible?

    It’s like buying the Mona Lisa and hiding it in a closet.

  14. Empire in Decline

    Smart and Jessica Simpson have never met.

  15. Hanafer

    Her feet are HUGE!

  16. A reader

    #11 que asqueroso!

    Parece que ha sido una semana lenta, no hay fotos de celebridades, todos se escodieron.

  17. gotmilk?

    while other beers say to “drink smart” by having a designated driver, jessica simpson says to “drink smart” by drinking beer with vitamins. fucking retard.

    oh, and that picture is horrrrrible.

  18. rough daddy

    what is she too good to be in a bikini? speaking huge! damn she shouldve open that top a little!!!

  19. YouRang

    Is she going for that Slash, back of Appetite For Destruction, I’m so fucked up I could vomit at any moment look?

  20. bb

    bikinis aside, how the fuck does this picture reflect thinking and/or drinking smart? her eyes clearly say “no one’s home!” and her outfit sucks. how will this ever sell beer? how can the giant lettering mentioning the word ‘smart’ ever be assositated with jessica simpson? why would ppl drink the beer recommended by here when she didn’t even know the difference between chicken and tuna? this company is stupid. maybe stupid bitches will buy it, i might try it to see what it is like but i am actually a little hesistant now that jessica endorses it. so there.

  21. Deacon Jones

    C’mon people, Reverse Psychology!

    Be Dumb, Drink like a maniac = we sell more beers

  22. Matthew

    wait be smart??? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA this idiot thinks chicken of the sea made from chickens! god is she that stupid and an idiot to boot? Oh wait she is….no beer drinker whould be beer endorsed by the morons of all of morons! plus her dad is a sicko in a creepy way

  23. This Ad will cause Amy to drink more

    I guess my girl is never gonna get better.

  24. Sunflower

    Wow, she has man-hands! Must not have had time for at least a manicure or some acrylics……..

  25. Jimmy Flaine

    Is it me or does she still look pretty fucking fuckable?

  26. sla

    I had a few comments but #20 pretty much covered them, except for one:

    They could not have made her look more like a complete and total bitch if they had all the money, stylists and makeup in the world.

  27. sla

    Now I know what it is… she looks like Heather, that bitch on wheels from Rock of Love 1 and 2 who walked in with her cowboy hat, peace sign fingers and spinning cuff fringe.

    Well done, Stampede beer people.

  28. E

    I am SO SICK of these droopy-lipped, pouty, fake expressions. . .enough! Why can’t people just smile? It makes you look so much more like-able, even if you’re not, like poor Jessica here. Didn’t she used to sing or something?

  29. Ted Mosby

    I would so want her to take a swig from my beer bottle.

  30. Hanafer

    Stampede beer?
    Fat, dumb hillbilly chick in a cowboy hat?
    Selling the false idea of one day actually being smart?

    Bubba Marketing, 101.

  31. ME

    WHO GIVES A FUCK WHO POSTS FIRST! GROW UP!

  32. FACE

    She looks great – I dont drink but is hse was selling that beer somewhere, I would buy a bottle…with my pants down around my ankles and the biggest, fattest, hardest, throbbing, vein-ridden, greasy black hard-on that she ever saw.

  33. LL

    Couldn’t they get a picture that makes her look less retarded? Seriously, she looks likes she’s about to lose consciousness or already has, not sure.

    And the eye makeup makes her look a little like a tranny. A rootin’ tootin’ tranny. They should have just gotten one of those.

  34. joho777

    The ad says, “Be Smart!”

    Of course the mind naturally jumps to Jessica Simpson. Who else is the perfect example of being smart?

    Did the customer slip a cog? How did they let this slip past them?

  35. beaks r us

    Like thats her nose… lol

  36. Sloane

    This is hilarious, although I am not sure that was the intention. For some reason having Jessica Simpson as your spokesperson undermines the message. And her mouth is open…drrr. LMAO!

  37. joho777

    So, like, that’s where I got my empty expression and slack mouth from, from drinking “Tree Frog Beer.”

    Oh, no, it’s really “Stampede Beer Light,” this time.

    Sorry, my mistake. But all this shit tastes the same, like deluted horse piss. Anyway, remember, you heard it here, from the one and only Jessica Simpson, in person!

    Hey, mooks, hang around, I’ll be selling tee-shirts and DVD’s right after, OK?

  38. Tig ol' bitties

    Marketing people are morons. She should be riding a mechanical bull, in a bikini, with a look on her face like she just got DP’d.

  39. Wow!

    Wow! That is one of the most moronic facial expressions I have ever seen!

  40. Philster

    Light beer is already a failure in itself… and now they add Jessica Simspon to the mix? God help us

  41. ktb

    If a retard can be taught to keep their mouth closed, why can’t Jessica Simpson?
    I live in TX and wouldn’t touch that “beer” with a 10 foot pole.
    By the way Jessica, no one believes that your a cowgirl, leave our Quarterback alone, and drop dead.

  42. you pizza-faced losers

    She owns you pizza-faced homos and fat ugly ghetto sows

  43. Sam

    Is it just me or does she looks like she is ready to do some porn?

  44. monty

    Is it just me, or are they trying to associate the word “smart” with Jessica Simpson?
    Tell me I’m imagining things.

  45. Chelle

    hahahahahaha…gotta love the irony of an ad urging us to “Be Smart” with Jessica Simpson, mouth hanging open like the village idiot, showin’ us all how it’s done.

    If that’s what Stampede Light does to you, I think I’ll pass.

  46. Barbie

    Now I am depressed.

    This is wrong on so many levels it makes me wish I were not a woman, not from Texas, not in advertising, and never drank a beer before.

  47. Sarahlicious

    I think I’ve seen a blow up doll that looks like that….

  48. kevTHA

    i thought everyone knew light beer was shitty.

    its fucking close to water, like sex in a canoe.

    if jessica simpson was serious, she’d def be all up in a bikini etc. what IS this travesty?

  49. crabby old guy

    “Light Beer” + “Light Talent” = Tap Water

    She’s trying oh so very very hard to appear “sexy”. Might as well try just as hard to fly (or do some simple math for that matter).

    Aren’t there some Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders that ol’ Fumble-the-snap Tony can date instead?

  50. Alex Cutter

    First of all, that’s not a real ad. A real ad will have legal disclaimers in small print at the bottom (i.e., Drink Responsibly).

    Second, how many print ads for beer do you see nowadays?

    Third, that’s not a new photo.

    This is a “mock-up”, that probably has nothing to do with the company’s ad agency.

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